About not being able to meet the frequency someone is hoping for.
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I had a first meeting with a woman. She was a B type, so we just had dinner, but she was very eager to see me again, saying things like, “I’d really love to meet again.” So I assumed she liked my personality and appearance.
However, two weeks passed while I was still thinking, “I wonder when I should invite her next,” and then she messaged me saying, “You haven’t invited me out to dinner at all…”
Apparently, there was a gap between the frequency I had in mind and how often she wanted to meet each month. Since meeting that often would be difficult for me, I assume this relationship will probably end here.
(She also seemed to vaguely sense that I was meeting other women. Can she tell from ratings or something? She seemed to think that I had chosen someone else over her.)
I do think the frequency of meetings is part of the overall chemistry. Until now, I’d only met women who said things like, “I’d be happy if we could meet this often, but I’ll leave it up to you and wait,” so this was my first experience like this.
Is it bad manners not to arrange a second meeting right away?
Or is this simply something we should have discussed during dinner in the first place?
I’d appreciate your opinions for future reference.
👤Asked byGuest👨GenderMale🎂40s👑Universe male member
① Both men and women have multiple partners, keeping things broad and casual.
② Both prefer to keep it to three or fewer partners—or focus exclusively on one person.
In case ①, there’s no need to invite someone out right away.
In case ②, you need to make plans quickly and promptly settle on the pay-per-meeting allowance by calculating: the monthly amount the woman wants ÷ the number of times you’ll meet per month.
The questioner was a ①, while the woman was a ②, so they simply weren’t a good match. There’s nothing to do but move on.
When ①s pair up with ①s and ②s with ②s, it makes for a happy arrangement.
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If you think of it as a dating club, then it’s a breach of etiquette.
If you think of it as an offer-based club, then it isn’t.
In a dating arrangement, it’s the man’s role to fulfill the woman’s wishes, so you should approach it with the mindset that you’ll meet her whenever she wants—even if that’s the very next day or a month later.
Also, if you look for a woman you genuinely like and want to date, she’ll be able to sense your feelings, which makes things more likely to work out.
If you want to enjoy both making offers and seeing multiple women, there’s nothing wrong with meeting them freely, as a man.
The dating style you choose is entirely up to you.
However, if there are other women you want to meet and you keep making offers as well, then, as you’ve written, the other person will gradually catch on. You may end up unable to escape a half-hearted relationship with a half-hearted partner, and keep making offers indefinitely.
As a result, the woman’s satisfaction will be lower, and the club’s reputation will suffer too.
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They must have liked your personality and appearance…
Your allowance level likely played a part as well.
And it’s not a breach of etiquette, either.
There are impatient women out there, I suppose.
Since women like that do exist, I think it’s best to discuss everything at the first meeting from now on. That way, the woman won’t have to wait around wondering, “When are you going to call me?” and get frustrated.
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> Is it bad manners not to try to meet for a second time right away?
> It’s not bad manners, but I think she was disappointed because she felt her efforts hadn’t been good enough.
> So, are you saying we should have talked about that during the meal in the first place?
> Exactly（笑）
> At least you learned something from it（笑）
I see relationships through dating clubs as contractual arrangements, so I explain the basic terms during the first meeting.
In particular, I think it’s important to discuss how many times we’ll meet each month and the amount of the allowance.
Once the relationship begins, I make sure that the number of monthly meetings and the total allowance don’t fall below what we initially agreed on.
For the woman, that provides a stable income and lets her enjoy the relationship without stress.
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As you said yourself, she may have her own preferred frequency, not to mention her everyday life to manage. So I don’t think not rushing to meet a second time is automatically bad manners.
That said, I can understand what you’re trying to say, but is this really a matter of etiquette? I think it’s simply that your expectations didn’t align with hers. In other words, you should have discussed things like that beforehand—even if not over dinner.
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I don’t think it’s a breach of etiquette; it’s also a matter of chemistry.
If a man doesn’t invite me out again, I assume I simply wasn’t what he was looking for. If you’re okay with being seen that way, then I don’t see a problem with leaving things as they are.
Perhaps you feel that the woman you met this time doesn’t measure up to the other women you’re currently seeing. If you thought she was truly wonderful and absolutely wanted to see her again, wouldn’t you make time for her, even if you had to rearrange your schedule?
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