He said, “Let’s meet next time for an adult relationship (intimate),” and ever since then, he’s been asking me nothing but sexually suggestive questions over DM.
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He never brought up anything sexual until our first meeting, but after we started discussing our next date (we haven’t set a date yet), he’s asked me all sorts of things—my cup size, questions about sex, how often I masturbate, and so on.
Honestly, I find it disgusting. It feels like sexual harassment.
I’ve been intentionally leaving his messages on read for a while before replying with short, curt messages and no emojis at all, hoping to make it clear that I don’t want him asking me those kinds of things.
I do think he’s a good person overall, and I’m planning to have an adult relationship (intimate) with him. I have no problem with that itself.
It’s not that I dislike sexual topics—I just don’t like how he seems completely fixated on them.
Is this normal? Does this happen often? Is there anything I can do to deal with it?
I think he’s probably just happy that you agreed when he suggested moving on to an adult relationship (intimate) next time.
Unfortunately, he likely doesn’t have much experience dating women.
When someone lacks experience, they can end up saying thoughtless and hurtful things.
I once said something awful 25 years ago on Christmas Eve, when I hugged the woman I was dating for the first time.
We broke up shortly afterward—it’s a bitter memory, haha.
The best approach would be to tell him directly when you see him that you’d like him to stop saying things like that.
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Zui-ki-san, nice to meet you~!
I’m just like the questioner—I barely even knew any dirty jokes to begin with, so I totally understand how you feel~!
There are definitely men who message about self-pleasure, toys, and things like that. I’ve even said, “Sorry, I might find it difficult if the conversation gets too sexual” ( 'ᵕ' ; )
These days, it’s become part of my everyday life—or rather, I’ve started to enjoy it. I’d never talked to anyone about my preferences before, so it felt unfamiliar at first, but I think it gets easier once you gradually learn to open up about yourself~.
Right now, since we haven’t become intimate yet, the men seem to be looking forward to it! I find that kind of creepy, though—what should I do? ( ¨*)?
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My boss is a lecherous old man who keeps making sexual comments.
Is this normal?
↑No, it’s not normal.
This papa is probably just the type who happens to make sexual comments all the time.
Even if he offers money, if you really can’t tolerate it and it makes you uncomfortable, end things and wait for an offer from someone else.
I have a feeling he’ll also keep pressuring you to do various things you don’t want to do in an adult relationship (intimate).
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This seems to have something to do with the physiological differences between men and women.
People often say that in porn, men get aroused just by seeing explicit sexual acts, while women get aroused by the buildup and the storyline leading up to them, right?
So if the questioner messages, “I’m not comfortable with that kind of dirty talk,” a man might jump to the conclusion, “She must not like sex.” Even if she actually likes sex and simply dislikes that kind of dirty talk.
Anyway, you’ll have to figure out for yourself what to do about it. It’s kind of like asking how to discipline an elementary school boy who keeps flipping up girls’ skirts. If I were a woman, I’d just brush him off with a casual “No, no, don’t do that~” and leave it at that.
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That’s the kind of thing you ask in bed, after reading the mood. Maybe he’s just a shy guy.
Write:
“Please ask me about that in bed.”
If you just write him off as creepy, nothing will improve, so educate him. If he doesn’t seem like the kind of man who could get you hooked and still pay you, feel free to brush him off. But if he looks wealthy, politely correct his behavior.
To the responder, Zuiki-san: I’m starting in January. I look forward to your continued support.
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I’m Zuiki, a new male member and answerer.
So this was what was making you feel uneasy?
To the man you’re seeing, this is probably perfectly normal. You regard him as a good person, so why do you feel that his questions were creepy or sexually harassing? He’s a good person, isn’t he?
Couldn’t his questions possibly be interpreted like this?
- He asked your cup size because he wanted to give you some lovely lingerie.
- He asked about intimacy because he was thinking about what he should do to make you feel good.
- He asked how often you masturbate because he wanted to know how strong your sex drive is.
That said, I would never ask such things by email before meeting someone for the second time. So, to me, it would be unusual, not normal.
As for how to handle it, I don’t think the approach you’re taking will make him realize anything at all. I think you should simply ask him directly why he asked.
For what it’s worth, I’ve also asked a woman I was dating how often we each masturbated. That was after our relationship had progressed quite a bit, and the reasons were to understand each other’s sex drives and to check whether we were both satisfied with how often we were seeing each other.
Just my personal opinion.
[Follow-up]
Seattle, yes, I was graciously added to the very bottom of the list of answerers this January. I’m looking forward to learning from everyone as well. Thank you in advance.
[Follow-up 2]
Himawari, nice to meet you. I look forward to getting to know you.
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“Please take the hint” doesn’t get through to creepy men at all, so I think you should clearly tell them you’re not interested.
That said… I found it odd that you wrote, “I think he’s a good person,” about someone you feel is creepy and don’t like. The mismatch really stood out to me.
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That man is abnormal.
Don’t reply to him.
Regardless of the content, he clearly doesn’t consider the other person’s feelings, so he’s probably like that in every aspect of his life.
Honestly, that’s all men think about. But the fact that he can’t understand or pick up on the fact that women don’t care about that sort of thing is beyond stupid—it’s completely abnormal for him to touch you before you’ve even developed an adult relationship (intimate).
You should probably be prepared for him to frequently disregard your feelings in other situations as well.
I don’t think that man has ever appreciated the fact that men are supposed to be born to make women happy, even if it means putting up with things themselves.
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Yeah, it does sound pretty creepy… A papa like that often doesn’t have any other favorite girl besides the person asking the question.
As you pointed out, he’s become fixated on the only woman right in front of him. If he creeps you out so much that you don’t want to see him, I don’t think you have to. Or you could meet him just once as promised and then gradually fade out.
That kind of creepiness can slowly start invading your everyday life, turning into a general disgust toward men and lowering your quality of life. Unless the allowance is exceptionally generous, I don’t really see much benefit in meeting him.
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Unfortunately, subtle hints go completely over most men’s heads. Some men may pick up on them, but they’re rare. In reality, it’s best to assume that almost no one will. In fact, men who behave that way usually do so because they don’t understand subtle hints in the first place. Someone who can consider their partner’s feelings wouldn’t act that way.
That said, men who do those things often simply don’t realize that the woman is uncomfortable. So it’s important to tell them clearly.
If you don’t say it directly, they won’t get the message. Even trying to be considerate and putting it gently usually won’t work.
You need to be firm and straightforward. Most men will realize, “Oh, she didn’t like that?” and refrain from doing it afterward.
On the other hand, if he still doesn’t stop, he’s probably the type of self-important man who thinks he’s superior and can do whatever he wants. In that case, I think you should consider ending things. Even if you stay together, you’ll probably have more unpleasant experiences than good ones.
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I feel like a lot of men assume women love sex just as much as they do.
I’m Nanana Ayase, and I’m always screaming inside, “I’m not so bored that I think about that all day!”
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This is a tough question for me, because I used to send that kind of dirty-talk email pretty often myself.
If I were to defend that papa (a male supporter), he probably doesn’t even realize that it makes you uncomfortable. Try sending him one blunt, straightforward message. That will usually make him stop. If he sends you a sulky reply, give him a little praise and reassurance. He’ll be ridiculously happy, and he might even loosen the purse strings.
If you’re okay with ending things, and he still won’t stop with the dirty talk, you can simply end the arrangement.
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It’s not normal, but I do occasionally hear women talk about men like that, so I think there are definitely some out there.
As for how to deal with it, I think you should simply tell him how you feel. If something makes you uncomfortable, you should make it clear that you don’t like it.
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