I’m 27, and my boyfriend is 41. We’ve been together for one month.
He’s a very kind person, but his sex drive seems fairly low. We have sex about once every five sleepovers. Apparently, he only masturbates once or twice a month as well.
We’re both homebodies, so our dates usually go: dinner → watching a movie at his place → he falls asleep first. Before bed or when we’re saying goodbye, he’ll give me a French kiss or hug me, but it never progresses to sex.
Something happened today that really hurt me.
He came to my place for the first time, so I made the homemade meal he had requested and we ate together. We watched YouTube for a little while, and then he suggested watching a movie. But partway through, he said he was full and sleepy and wanted to go home. He left after staying for only about two hours.
He texted me right after we parted, thanking me for the meal, but I still can’t shake this uneasy feeling.
According to him, he’s been with around 20 people. He says that he used to be very interested in women and had a sex drive every day, but that anyone gets bored with sex after doing it 100 times, so feeling comfortable together is more important to him now.
I’d like to have sex a little more often, but is that impossible…?
Does my boyfriend really like me?
There are men in their 40s and 50s on this site too, but don’t they generally have stronger sex drives? Could it be that my boyfriend does have a sex drive, but now that he’s gotten into a relationship with me, he’s simply satisfied?
👤Asked byGuest👩GenderFemale🎂20s👑Universe female member
I got divorced because we were completely sexless (; ;)
Being the woman who wants intimacy in a sexless relationship is sooooo painful, isn’t it?
It’s not like I turned into some wild animal thinking, “I’ll do it with anyone! I just want sex!” I simply wanted to share that kind of physical closeness with someone… I don’t know how else to put it. It’s hard to convey in writing.
At the time, my partner was a 46-year-old man who didn’t seem to have much of a sex drive. There are men in their 60s and older who still have a sex drive, though.
In my case, expressing how I felt led to a serious situation. Try finding other ways to let off steam, like going to karaoke with your girlfriends (*･д･)ﾉ
I came to regret not realizing that love isn’t expressed only through intimacy.
What’s done is done…
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Well, comedian Akashiya Sanma says that whenever someone starts with, “I have a funny story,” the story usually isn’t funny.
So I read this thinking that, according to Sanma’s Law, there shouldn’t be anything serious about a “serious relationship相談”—and sure enough, at least to Joe, it didn’t seem serious at all. Maybe the only person taking it seriously is the questioner.
I’m not making fun of you, nor do I mean to offend. Why not take a deep breath and try looking at your situation objectively?
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I’m not really sure.
Maybe he’s actually married and feels he has to have sex with his wife, or he has a girlfriend he truly cares about and feels he has to do it with her too. Or maybe he’s popular and has plenty of other opportunities.
Or perhaps his sex drive is genuinely low, or he has trouble getting hard.
Women often feel loved through sex, but for men, even when they’re in love, there are times when they can’t get it up（笑）
Our bodies naturally decline as we get older.
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It’s not true that you only like someone if you’re willing to have sex with them.
For example, if you go to a brothel, you might have sex with someone even if you don’t like them.
To me, whether you truly like someone comes down to whether you genuinely care about them.
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I think her boyfriend is probably just lazy. He doesn’t want to do anything besides watch movies and sleep, and he has no motivation to do anything else. At the very least, he doesn’t seem to care about pleasing the questioner, who is his girlfriend.
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I think this is probably something you’d be better off asking your friends about.
Most of us here—including me—aren’t exactly great at relationships, haha.
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You’re not in the wrong, and neither is your boyfriend.
It’s rare for two people to have exactly the same ideal frequency for sex, so some discussion and compromise are necessary. However, if there’s a major gap between you, it can be difficult to continue the relationship.
In my case, my partner feels lonely if we don’t do it at least once a month, while I’d ideally like it two or three times a month. So we’ve settled into a comfortable rhythm of two or three times a month.
We see each other about ten times a month, so sex happens roughly once every four dates, and we’re both satisfied.
How often you see each other and how often you ideally want sex are matters of personal values. I think it’s important to recognize that you shouldn’t stay with someone whose values are too incompatible with yours.
Some people—both men and women—believe that constantly accommodating their partner is what love means, but sooner or later, they’ll end up destroying themselves. (I’ve learned that the hard way too.)
Here’s a line I once read that stuck with me:
“You can bend yourself up to 45 degrees to accommodate your partner. Any further, and you’re pushing yourself too far.”
How many degrees have you bent yourself to make this relationship work?
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It’s about compatibility, including your respective levels of sexual desire. In that sense, I think you may simply be incompatible with your partner.
Marika
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Whether or not someone wants to have sex isn’t determined solely by how strong their sex drive is.
For example, I wouldn’t want to have sex with a woman if I disliked the smell of her vagina, found the sex mediocre, or simply didn’t like something about her. In my case, if it’s an allowance-based relationship, I won’t meet someone I don’t want to have sex with. But in a relationship without an allowance, it can continue even without sex.
If a woman whose vagina I found smelly or who I thought was boring in bed asked whether I had no sex drive, I’d probably say something similar to that man—that I was impotent or had lost interest.
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Dating for a month?
And he still doesn’t have sex with you as often as you’d hoped??
Maybe you two aren’t really dating yet. Otherwise, perhaps your sexual chemistry is just really bad—or maybe he has no intention of pursuing a relationship…
Women generally aren’t as interested in sex as men, so it can be hard to tell. There are cases where the man thinks the chemistry is bad, while the woman feels that it’s good.
Also, back in the day, going to the movies was the go-to date with someone you didn’t really enjoy spending time with. If you were having fun together and the conversation was flowing, watching a movie felt like a waste of time… at least in the old days.
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I think the most likely explanation is that the man simply has a low sex drive. If he doesn’t masturbate much either, his sexual function will gradually decline, making things physically difficult as well. After their 40s, the gap between people who look young for their age and those who don’t becomes increasingly obvious, and I’d say this man is the type leading the charge on the aging front.
It’s both sad and ridiculous that he seems to think he understands the world after being with 20 people, gets bored after having sex 100 times, and is bringing his life to a close without understanding anything about it.
From your perspective, the question is whether he really is that kind of person or is just pretending. But if it’s the latter, then I think he’s putting on an extremely elaborate act. It also seems likely that he has found some value in placing you in that role—the kind of role you don’t want—and that would make it difficult to change his perception. I’m not sure what you see in him that has you troubled in the first place, but normally this would be a case of cutting him off immediately once your next option is lined up.
You mentioned being a female member, but was this man a member as well? If you set your profile to B or above, I get the impression you’d receive more offers from more sexually assertive men.
Taro
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