I’m an office worker in my 30s. I’ve had a monthly arrangement with my papa for almost a year, at 100,000 yen a month, but last month he only gave me half the allowance. I thought it was understandable since we went on a trip, but this month, we met at the beginning of the month as usual. He normally gives me my allowance without me having to say anything, but this time I ended up going home without receiving anything. It was dinner only that day.
I trusted him, but I’m starting to feel wary. I’ve never brought up the allowance myself before, so I’m wondering whether I should ask him directly, or whether it’s better to leave things vague and assume the allowance will come later. Our relationship is more of a romantic, couple-like one.
We usually decide next month’s schedule at the end of each month, and we already have plans to meet this month. We also have overnight stays and a trip planned.
He’s a good person, but I don’t actually like him romantically, so simply not receiving the allowance makes me feel like I don’t want to go anymore. I don’t even feel like replying to his LINE messages. Is it okay to tell him that? Or should I wait and see if he gives it to me the next time we meet?
I’m starting to distrust him.
When I was in my 20s, I thought I could just cut someone off if they didn’t have money. But now that I’m in my 30s, I get fewer offers, and rebuilding trust with someone new would be emotionally exhausting. Ideally, I’d like to continue this arrangement, so I’m conflicted about how I feel.
I would appreciate any advice.
#papa-katsu #romanticrelationship #allowance #monthlyarrangement
👤Asked byGuest👩GenderFemale🎂30s👑Member of another dating club
In a boyfriend-type arrangement, I think the allowance naturally tends to decrease the longer it continues.
After all, if you’re in a romantic relationship, it’s only natural to date without an allowance.
If the questioner can’t accept that and insists it’s a misunderstanding, then all you can do is start looking for someone else.
Personally, I think boyfriend-type arrangements can be risky, since they may even develop into stalking…
But if you’re good at judging people, they can also be the type of papa (a male supporter) most likely to become generous (well-paying).
A detached papa like me won’t change the allowance over time, but he’ll never develop into a generous papa either.
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I think the other person is starting to feel distrustful too.
It sounds less like papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) and more like training to become a papa.
Age isn’t all that important in papa-katsu, but generally, the farther you get from being inexperienced, the more it becomes a sign that it’s time to move on. I think you should start considering becoming independent soon.
If you’re not particularly lively or enthusiastic about it, then you’re simply not suited for it, and men won’t be interested in you either.
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I’m sure you can still get offers in your 30s. You’re still young, and you’re attractive enough to be seen with in public without embarrassment. You’ve got plenty of sex appeal, too.
Try updating your profile, uploading some new selfies, and changing things up a bit. Are you really an 80-year-old grandma who gets tired of starting relationships with new people? You’re young—what are you talking about? You need to enjoy yourself more.
When the allowance is low, just say, “Huh?” and look at him as if you’re surprised. If you act the part, he’ll probably realize he shouldn’t lower it, so I think it can be effective…
Men seem to misunderstand things right away, but this is the papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) market. You shouldn’t go in thinking you’ll be fine without an allowance.
If you don’t want to pay an allowance, go use a dating app. Don’t be so cheap as to expect everything without an allowance.
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There are things we should say and things we should put up with or keep to ourselves, right?
If we openly express every thought and opinion, we just come across as selfish, demanding, and difficult. But if we say nothing, we end up going through our days carrying all our frustrations and stress, which isn’t healthy either.
So when should you make sure to speak up?
I believe it’s when you start questioning something that forms the basis of the relationship.
For example, if you’re in a conventional romantic relationship or marriage and find yourself wondering whether your partner might be cheating, that doubt concerns the foundation of the relationship, so you should bring it up—unless you’ve deliberately decided to let things play out so you can gather more evidence.
What is the basis of a relationship that begins through a dating club?
Is it “not cheating,” as in marriage?
If you naturally grow fond of each other and decide to focus on just one person, I think that’s wonderful. But at the very least, focusing exclusively on one person isn’t assumed to be a condition of meeting through a dating club, is it?
The basis of a dating-club relationship is financial support.
Since that basis is being undermined, you absolutely need to tell the man you’re seeing. Not telling him is essentially the same as a married woman thinking, “I know my husband is cheating and it makes me very sad, but if I bring it up and we end up fighting, I might have trouble with living expenses, so I can’t say anything…”
Rather than agonizing over whether to say something, decide firmly that you’re going to tell him—and then think as carefully as you can about how to say it.
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Let me try to put the man’s perspective into words.
When traveling together
Fact 1: He pays only half the allowance, and she says nothing.
Man: “Hmm? She didn’t say anything about getting only half her allowance.”
“I’ll try pretending to forget the allowance next time.”
At the first date the following month
Fact 2: He doesn’t pay the allowance.
Man: “Oh, she didn’t say anything again.”
“So she must be willing to see me even without an allowance.”
This is just my theory, but I think he may be hoping to continue seeing her without paying an allowance.
Man: “We’ve been doing this for a year, so maybe I can see her without paying an allowance now. Maybe I’ll test it.”
It’s also possible that he was testing you.
【My answer】Tell him clearly, in words, “I’m not willing to see you without an allowance or for a reduced amount.”
>> Starting over and building trust with someone new would be emotionally exhausting, so if possible, I’d like to continue this relationship.
I feel that’s a rather negative reason to continue. If you click with someone, building trust with a new person isn’t stressful at all—but is it different for women?
It’s me.
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Relationships between men and women are difficult, regardless of whether a dating club is involved. Since money is part of the equation with dating clubs, things can feel even more complicated.
To put it plainly, I think this is a period for reassessing the relationship. If you can rebuild it here, it may continue indefinitely—but it may also end altogether.
That said, if you feel:
> My papa (a male supporter) is a good person, but he isn’t someone I like romantically. Without an allowance, I just don’t feel like going. I don’t even want to reply to his LINE messages.
Then all the more reason to take a wait-and-see approach.
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So, if you arranged to meet at the end of the month and received your allowance at the beginning of the month, does that mean he was paying you in advance?!
If you’d always received 10 each time, even for dinner-only dates, and 10 each time even when traveling, then I suppose receiving half that amount could happen if the trip was particularly expensive or if you were the one who wanted to go.
As for not receiving an allowance for dinner, he may have simply forgotten. Did he give you a gift or anything like that? If it were me, I wouldn’t worry about it happening just once.
You have your history together, but if you no longer want to meet unless you receive an allowance because you’ve become suspicious of him, then perhaps you shouldn’t meet him.
That said, if you’re relying on the advance payment at the beginning of the month to cover your living expenses, it would be understandable to be worried. Why not tell him something like, “I’m a little concerned because I still haven’t received this month’s allowance”?
Your papa (a male supporter) may have found another favorite dating partner, so try not to rely on him too much and maintain some breathing room—in more ways than one—that comes with being in your 20s. If you’re worried because you haven’t been getting offers or because meeting new people is emotionally difficult, then you may need to be patient. Above all, I think trust is important.
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When you say a monthly arrangement, do you mean a pay-per-meeting arrangement?
Are you meeting twice a month, and saying that you didn’t receive your allowance when you met for dinner only at the beginning of the month?
If so, what do you mean by saying, “because we went on a trip”?
I can’t really understand the situation from your post. Please make your posts when you’re sober.
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