I’ve been seeing several female members of Universe, ages 18–26, and have had adult relationships with them. They’re all lovely, but there’s something that’s been bothering me, so I wanted to ask.

Question

For day trips, we use love hotels, and for overnight stays, city hotels. When we leave, though, used towels are left in the bathroom, pajamas are left on the bed, snack bags are left on the table, and everything is usually rather messy, so I always end up tidying up. I also remake the bed and put everything back the way it was. I don’t expect the women to do all the tidying themselves—I’d just like us to work together—but I haven’t been able to say this directly. They’re quite young, so perhaps these things don’t bother them. To all the respondents: when leaving a hotel room, who usually tidies up—the man, the woman, or both of you? Also, how could I bring this up to someone who doesn’t tidy up without hurting her feelings?

Answer 1

Leave the tidying up to the hotel. I think it’s difficult to expect someone else to perfectly share your own values. Women will probably see you as a bit high-maintenance. That said, it’s up to you. Keep making offers until you meet someone who’s neat and organized, and find a woman you’re happy with.

Answer 2

From the way you phrased your question—“When leaving the room, who tidies up: the man, the woman, or both?”—it sounds like you believe tidying up is simply a given. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with having that set of values. At the same time, the completely opposite view—“Do we really need to tidy up?”—isn’t something that should be dismissed either. If the woman you’re seeing doesn’t tidy up, I think you just have to accept that this is her way of thinking. In other words, rather than worrying about how to say it without hurting her feelings, I don’t think it’s something you need to bring up in the first place. However, if your values are such that the stress of being with a woman who doesn’t tidy up the bed and so on has built up to the point where you can no longer continue seeing her, then I think you should be honest and tell her. You wrote that you’re worried you “might hurt her,” but in a sense, that can come across as assuming that your own view is correct and that she’s in the wrong for not tidying up. Instead, if you approach it with the mindset of, “I’m not trying to deny your values, but this is what I value,” you may be able to communicate it to her more naturally.

Answer 3

When it comes to love hotels, I’ve never thought of them as places where you’re expected to tidy up before leaving. Did you see something somewhere saying that guests should clean up and organize the room when they leave? Or did someone tell you that? Maybe you simply feel that everything should be tidied up no matter what the situation or where you are. But considering the TPO, I think it’s perfectly fine to leave a love hotel without tidying up. It kind of feels like applying Western table manners—such as not making noise while eating—to Japan and insisting that people shouldn’t make any noise when eating ramen or soba. I understand wanting to tidy up a city hotel room, but even there, unless it’s really bad, I feel like it’s probably fine to leave it as it is. > How can I tell a woman who doesn’t tidy up without hurting her feelings? I don’t understand why you feel the need to tell her in the first place. If you want to tidy up, just quietly do it yourself. Also, when I searched online, I found a page that said: “If you slept in the bed, you don’t need to make it when you leave the room. If the bed looks completely unused, we may not change the sheets. It’s helpful when it’s clear whether the bed was used or not.”

Answer 4

How much praise do you need, exactly? As long as you haven’t made an excessive mess of the room, it should be fine. For example, don’t leave wet towels on the bed, and put your trash in the bin. That should be enough. As another respondent mentioned, if you fold the towels, it becomes impossible to tell at a glance whether they’re clean or used. That inconveniences the person cleaning the room and could even take work away from them. You’re in your 60s, and someone the same age as your grandchild is providing you with an adult relationship (intimate). So don’t say anything—just clean up after yourself.

Answer 5

I immediately found it odd that you lumped them all together as “several female members of Universe, aged 18–26.” Would several women of different ages really all behave the same way? It made me wonder whether your perspective and impressions might be biased. I also found it strange that you “tidy up when leaving the hotel.” The reason is exactly what Mac-san wrote. Do you perhaps also neatly fold your napkin after eating at a restaurant? These are among the top ten things Japanese people tend to do with good intentions that you absolutely should not do. Here are my answers to your questions: 1) I don’t tidy up when leaving. Men handle heavy tasks, such as putting the furniture back where it was, but we don’t go out of our way to divide up the chores, lol. 2) You don’t want to hurt the woman, right? But before worrying about that, you should consider that the very act of tidying everything up by yourself may already be hurting or disappointing her. It’s me.

Answer 6

It’s best to be with someone who isn’t bothered by things like that. Then again, your partner might be the one worrying about it. The most important thing is to be with someone who causes as little stress as possible, so you should also make an effort to be someone they feel comfortable with.

Answer 7

Column writer Potassium♀ here. I just wanted to try calling myself a “column writer,” lol. For us, it’s more like whoever notices takes care of it. But since my papa usually lets me shower first before and after intimacy so I can touch up my makeup and take care of various things, he often handles most of the cleanup. Obviously, there’s no way I’d start cleaning while my papa is still in bed… But if he’s unable to do it or I notice first, I do it. At least, I try to! At hotels, doing a perfect cleanup so the room looks exactly as it did when we entered can actually cause problems for the hotel staff, so I only tidy up within reason. Basically, before we leave, I check for forgotten belongings together with my papa. Even if we’re only stepping out temporarily, if we haven’t finished tidying up, I’ll ask, “Is it okay to leave it like this?” So maybe the woman the questioner met was simply like that? As a complete aside, when I’ve gone on club training camps, I’ve noticed that the younger members—roughly 24 to 27 these days—were more likely to be unable to put away the futons or make the beds, leave their clothes lying around, and scatter their cosmetics everywhere. Then an overly meddlesome older woman like me would urge them, “Hurry, hurry, we’re running out of time,” and end up doing everything in advance for them. It was seriously on the level of, “Am I their mom?” My impression is that the younger they are, the fewer girls there are who can tidy up properly at hotels or inns. That said, when I deliberately showed them how I cleaned up, some of them improved or started doing it together with me from the next time onward. (Some people just never change.) Among the older members, the ratio of those who couldn’t tidy up was lower, but there were still quite a few—about half. So rather than saying it outright, I think it’s better to show them through your actions. If they still don’t improve and it bothers you, you should probably offer to meet someone a little older. For me, my papa was the first person outside my parents who anticipated these kinds of things and took care of them for me. That’s why I’m grateful, and it also helps me relax. But I want to do my best not to rely on him too much. That’s just my personal opinion.

Answer 8

If you want it done, I think you should simply tidy up yourself. If you start thinking about “educating” women, they’ll just see you as a troublesome older man, and you’ll only be bringing the relationship closer to its end. When I was younger, I worked as a live-in staff member at a resort hotel. People talk about manners and all that, but from a staff member’s perspective, anything was fine as long as the room wasn’t excessively dirty. So when I check out of a hotel, all I do is leave things that belong on the bed on the bed, and put the trash in the bin.

Answer 9

We fix things as soon as whoever notices them first. Sometimes the woman makes the bed while I’m taking a shower, and sometimes I notice it and do it myself. I’m not going to lecture an adult I’m in an adult relationship (intimate) with about tidying up. I simply don’t date women whose manners bother me.

Answer 10

I don’t see the point of keeping things organized. Of course, I don’t leave things looking obviously messy, and I naturally sort items like plastic bottles.

Answer 11

Personally, I don’t bother tidying up the towels or pajamas before leaving a hotel. They’re just going to be sent out for cleaning anyway. There are also times when the woman leaves first and I stay behind at a city hotel, but now that you mention it, I do have a better impression of women who tidy up before they leave.

Answer 12

Senpai! I could understand it coming from some young girl, but even you saying “don’t hurt them”? Come on. Joe thinks “don’t hurt the other person” here really means “don’t get hurt yourself,” or “don’t make the other person uncomfortable so they won’t dislike you.” Besides, saying “Clean this up” is one thing, but how is “Let’s clean up together” hurtful? Senpai, I seriously don’t get you.

Answer 13

You’re someone who wants things tidied up, while she’s someone who doesn’t, so I think the person who cares should just do it. I don’t feel the need to leave a love hotel looking perfectly neat and tidy. I’ll at least gather the towels and toss them into the bathroom. At a city hotel, do you check out together? If the person asking the question is leaving later, then I think they should tidy up themselves. Otherwise, offer more and find someone who’ll tidy up with you. If I were in my early twenties and some grandfather-type told me to clean up, I’d find it pretty annoying and might not want to see him again because it would be such a hassle. Well, I suppose it would depend on the allowance. I’m in my late forties myself, and besides, if you’re only at a love hotel for a few hours or staying one night at a city hotel, it doesn’t really get that messy. The only thing I can think of is putting the used bath towels back in the bathroom. Marika The man takes care of the condom itself, but sometimes the small, roughly two-inch-square wrapper is left on the floor. In those cases, I wrap it in tissue or put it in a bag before throwing it away, so it doesn’t look so graphic. At a love hotel, I might just put it straight in the trash. But you wouldn’t say to the other person, “It was lying there, so clean it up,” would you?

I’ve been seeing several female members of Universe, ages 18–26, and have had adult relationships with them. They’re all lovely, but there’s something that’s been bothering me, so I wanted to ask.

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I’ve been seeing several female members of Universe, ages 18–26, and have had adult relationships with them. They’re all lovely, but there’s something that’s been bothering me, so I wanted to ask.

13 answers

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