I'm seeing two people. One is my main supporter—the one I'd like to see whenever possible. The other is someone I see when my main supporter is busy and I haven't been able to see him for a long time, leaving me lonely. Recently, I've been seeing my main supporter more often, so the opportunities to see the other person have been decreasing. Personally, I want to maintain a long-term relationship with him, even if it's low-key, since I may feel lonely again someday. However, I have no choice but to see him less often than before. I don't think it would be wise to tell him the truth—that my relationship with my main supporter has become busier—so how should I explain the situation in a way that would make it relatively easy to maintain our relationship? I've been seeing both of them for about three months, and both relationships have progressed to an adult relationship (intimate). Thank you in advance.

If you want to maintain it—if you want to keep things going—then try to make an effort to meet him regularly. It sounds like the issue could be resolved if you put in the effort. Meeting at least once a month seems doable if you try...

If the father in Abare Hatchaku, played by Eishin Tono, read this question, he’d probably deliver his signature line: “Your stupidity is so pathetic, it brings tears to your old man’s eyes!” Since we’re both in our 50s, I don’t want to be too harsh, but speaking for myself as well, I couldn’t help thinking, “There has to be a limit to everything.” Let’s both try to keep our heads on straight!

I think it’s best to come up with a reason why you’re busy and let her know that you’ll be able to meet less often. Women generally understand that “I’m busy” can be a sign that someone wants to reduce the number of meetings, so it should be fine. There is a possibility that you may end things with that secondary partner. But if she likes you, she may say that she still wants to meet at your pace.

Even if you see a woman who isn’t your main partner less often, you could probably avoid problems by keeping her total monthly allowance the same as before. For example, if you met three times a month at ¥80,000 per pay-per-meeting, that came to ¥240,000 a month. So even if you reduce it to once a month, you could still give her ¥240,000. If the point is to have someone around when you feel lonely, I don’t think it makes sense to be stingy about that. If you don’t like that idea, you can simply end things for now and find someone new when you start feeling lonely. You can’t expect everything to go exactly the way you want. I think you understand that, to some extent, it’s a trade-off.

I’m seeing multiple people and don’t rank them, so I’m not really sure. I’m open about dating multiple people, and I’m genuinely pretty busy with work, so I use work as the reason—but that isn’t a lie either. Honestly, I’m starting to lose track of whether they’re all my main partners or none of them are. As for your question, saying it’s because of work should be fine.

I’ll answer from a man’s perspective. I think keeping a backup option while pursuing your main partner is the right call. Things don’t always work out with your main, and if a man starts flailing around at that point, his chances of recovering only get worse. That kind of youthful chaos isn’t what someone your age is looking for, and from the man’s side, it’s better to play a sure game than leave things to chance. Keeping a backup is practically a standard strategy—arguably essential. So your question is how to keep a backup around, right? Women who are fairly dry in their communication are well suited for that role. They’ll reply when you contact them, but they never reach out first. If you meet about once a month, things will generally continue. Women who contact you first, or who want to exchange messages almost every day for one reason or another, are more difficult. You could keep chatting normally while quietly brushing them off, but it may be safer to make excuses, like saying you want to see them but work has been busy, or that something else has come up. To be blunt, women like that aren’t really suited to being backups. The only person you absolutely can’t afford to lose is your main partner, right? The backup isn’t quite that important. It’s nice if things continue, but if they end, you can simply make another offer and look for someone else. You’ll find someone eventually. In other words, you only want to keep her around because replacing her would cost time and money. It sounds cruel when put into words, but that’s the truth. As a man, you understand that and are still fitting her into the role you want her to play. That’s how you “develop” a backup. Though it isn’t really development—you’re just keeping her half-alive. You go into a hotel, kiss before even brushing your teeth, and, carried along by the moment, push her onto the bed. She responds well, so you slip your hand beneath her clothes and touch her chest. Eventually, when you put your hand inside her underwear, she’s already wet. Before you know it, she’s completely naked and trembling with desire, whispering, “Put it in.” You hurriedly undress and try to do so, only for her to snap, “Hey, put a condom on!” And you argue back, “But you just told me to put it in,” laughing it off. But those are the kinds of things you do with your main partner. You both get carried away, cross the line, and get scolded. That’s how a relationship deepens. A backup is different, though. At least, I don’t have those feelings for her. I haven’t made that commitment. If that’s the case, I don’t think you should act as if you have. You end up killing those feelings and memories little by little. Something like that happened, and then we met again. If something happened the previous time, she naturally expects it might happen again. But you don’t do it. After a bit of ordinary conversation, you go straight to the shower. You guide things toward something smooth and efficient. In a way, that’s a clear message. But I don’t dislike the woman I’ve made my backup, and I’m grateful to her. So I enjoy talking with her over dinner, and when we’re intimate, I give her my all. But she still isn’t my main partner. Rather than putting that into words and reaching an explicit agreement, you gradually establish an unspoken understanding through your actions. Though it isn’t really agreement—you simply wait for her to swallow it. If she’s a woman who wants to be someone’s main partner, she’ll leave during that process. And that’s fine, because she wasn’t looking for this in the first place. The women who aren’t looking for that will stay. Even then, there’s a reason they stay. Some women are perfectly happy being a backup. Some want to see the honest side of a man that he wouldn’t show a woman he considered his main partner. There are also women who are content to live off a man. For most of them, though, it’s more like, “I was starting to fall for him, but I guess this is how it is,” accompanied by a slight sense of loss. As a man, it’s fine to fit someone into a certain role, but if you have any feelings for her, you should try to imagine that sense of loss and make up for it. I think you’ll handle things much better once you understand those subtleties. Sorry, this got long, so I’ll stop here. And this is still only the first step, haha. Taro

Even though it’s only been three months, > “I might feel lonely again at any time.” If that’s how you feel about someone, you’re better off not making them your main partner. If you feel you need a backup plan, or have to force yourself to be patient to make them your main partner, you should look for someone whose preferred way of meeting fits you better.

You’re 50 and you’re asking that? If you’ve always been open about having someone special, just say so. Otherwise, can’t you come up with something like being busy with work or having family matters to deal with? Marika

Please don’t pursue an arrangement based solely on your own convenience. Always consider what the other person wants, what they’re hoping for, and what kind of relationship they’re looking for. Aim for an arrangement that benefits both of you.