Since starting papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), I’ve started judging men based on whether they’re worth being involved with, and I’ve come to discard men who offer little or no benefit. This applies to all men, not just those in papa-katsu. I find myself thinking, “Why does this person only spend this much on me? Does that mean his love for me is limited?” Is this way of thinking normal? What do you think? I can’t genuinely enjoy spending time with people anymore.

Scary, scary. If you’re not careful, you could end up like a left-behind Minato-ku girl—getting showered with attention only while you’re young, then reaching an age when no one pays you any mind. You decide what’s in your own heart, so if you convince yourself that’s how things are, that’s what will happen. And you’re the only one who can change it. Or you could stay the way you are, charge ahead, and aim to marry someone extremely wealthy. That’s another option.

Everyone has their own way of measuring things, so even if you tell them not to compare, they’re going to anyway lol. Can’t be helped. I had this little fantasy: Imagine everyone wearing Dragon Ball–style Scouters that measure their power level lol. “Huh? Osaka’s power level is only 15? Wow, not much to look at lol. Flag Maker is 2,000? Oh! Early’s 10,000!? Well, that settles it!” “Wait… Osaka’s hair has turned gold and is standing on end, and his power level is rising!” Crack! The Scouter broke! While I was distracted by Osaka, Flag Maker and Early had turned gold too!? What’s going on!? Anyway, putting the fantasy aside lol, I want to be the guy who breaks your Scouter lol.

First of all, I don’t think you can date every man you meet. Generally, you only get involved with someone when you feel that he’s a good person. So, up until now, you’ve probably been choosing people based on some kind of criteria—whether they’re good-looking, kind, or whatever else matters to you. Whether or not someone offers you any benefits can also be a perfectly normal criterion. In other words, I think you’re at a stage where your criteria for choosing someone have become clearer, and you’re wondering, “Where does love fit into all of this?” But even when it comes to love, the fact that you can’t date every man means that some kind of selection criteria are involved. Thinking too deeply about that and trying to reach a definitive conclusion seems quite difficult. That said, if your criteria have narrowed to the point where the only thing you consider is whether someone will financially support you, then that does seem a little too limited. You may come to realize that other aspects are actually involved as well. And if you haven’t noticed that yet, it might be worth thinking about more. You may simply be in a transitional phase right now, which is making your perspective narrower. In time, I think you’ll start to notice qualities beyond whether someone supports you financially. In any case, as long as you don’t stop thinking about it, I believe things will work out eventually.

If you have a lot of people around you who offer plenty of benefits—people who lavish money and gifts on you—I think you should simply continue seeing them and try to bring more people like that into your circle. I’m sure many of them offer benefits beyond just giving you money. In fact, the people I associate with outside of my relationships with women also have plenty of appeal beyond their money. And some of them are single as well. There are unpleasant people who have money, but in my experience, there are more kind, decent people with money. It’s probably similar to how there are more attractive, kind people than attractive, mean-spirited people. If you can’t see anything beyond the money, then that’s a problem. But if that’s not the case, I think you’re fine as you are. However, if there simply aren’t many people like that around you, then you haven’t put in enough effort, so you’ll just have to work harder. Just as you choose the people you associate with, those people choose who they associate with too.

AKB48 was kind of like that, wasn’t it? They said that CD sales were a form of love. If you’re focused on climbing to the top, it’s not surprising to think you don’t have time to date someone who offers you no benefit. So, perhaps you’re also unconsciously thinking that you want to do papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), earn as much money as possible, and work your way up. Personally, though, I don’t decide whether to associate with someone based on whether they’re beneficial to me. Even if someone doesn’t seem beneficial right now, they might help me in some way down the road.

As others have said, I think it’s perfectly normal to choose who you date based on whether there’s something in it for you. The problem is probably that your idea of “benefits” has become limited to money, narrowing your perspective. Benefits can take many forms: enjoying someone’s company, feeling relaxed around them, or having your world expanded through conversation. Life is ultimately one grand way to pass the time. If I’m going to do that, I’d rather try different things and enjoy myself along the way.

As Mac points out, the definition of “benefits” is pretty narrow—in other words, you’ve become unable to feel love except through money or material things. People like that do exist from time to time. I feel like they’re common not only in dating clubs, but also among people doing paid drinking dates and working in the nightlife industry. There are jokes about how, once you enter the sex-work world, you start counting men as “one” or “two,” but I get the impression that, in many cases, the anguish of having your body violated by men you don’t even like comes first. In a love hotel with a mirror on the ceiling, you see yourself in the mirror and realize, “I’m doing with anyone what I was only supposed to do with my boyfriend.” Then you start thinking, “I can’t love anyone anymore. I don’t deserve to love anyone.” At that point, people tend to split into those who break down and spiral, and those who enter a world of detachment from all things worldly. Strangely enough, though, some people in the latter group were still able to truly see and love others, separate from sex. I guess you could call them pure-romance types after making a full circle. I’ve also heard people say that soapland workers are actually the biggest pure-romance types, so maybe that’s just how the world works. Dating clubs may involve going as far as an adult relationship (intimate), so in terms of how deeply they can hurt you, they might be comparable to sex work. But the frequency of that intrusion is overwhelmingly lower. No matter how popular you are, you’re not going to have eight clients in a day, right? I think that means you can avoid being pushed to the breaking point. That’s probably a good thing, but as a result, you end up leaning more toward the nightlife world. You lean toward the nightlife world, but you also never experience the brutal situations that come with it, so you don’t get driven into a corner. That’s a good thing. But precisely because of that, you can’t make a full circle. You can’t go backward with this—you have to pursue it all the way and complete the circle. So if you want to return to pure romance, maybe you should charge full speed down the money-money woman’s path. Incidentally, even after making a full circle, you don’t return to the exact same place. You come back a little higher up. It’s a spiral staircase. I won’t say how many laps I’ve made, but as of today, I’ve ended up at, “Pure romance? Huh? If the sex is good and we can get excited over dirty jokes, isn’t that enough?” lol. In a way, I might be in the same place as the questioner. I’ve just entered the back side of the straightaway. It’s a long straightaway where you can go over 300 km/h, so I plan to keep my foot firmly on the accelerator（笑）. So, questioner, it’s fine to worry, but don’t stop moving. Worry while you run. Take it all the way to 11,000 rpm. (—Bunta) Taro

Basically, a man who can’t provide is worthless—no question about it. But don’t forget to count a man who’s fun to talk to as a benefit, too.

I understand what you mean. You’re wondering whether you can ever go back to a time when you could simply fall in love with someone you liked, without overthinking anything…something like pure love. But honestly, isn’t that kind of phase limited to your student years? Regardless of whether you do papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), once you start worrying about how others see you because of things like marriage, you stop knowing what “pure love” even means, lol. If you really want completely untainted “pure love,” maybe the only option is to become deeply invested in a Johnny’s idol or something. You get hooked on your favorite because you’re seeking an ideal. Then again, I sometimes think that’s how some people end up convincing themselves, “This person is my ideal,” and falling for an international romance scam…

> This isn’t just about papa-katsu—it applies to all men. “Why does this person only spend this much on me? Does that mean his love for me is limited?” That’s how I end up feeling. Given the environment we live in, that way of thinking is perfectly natural and not wrong. On the other hand, I believe there’s a concept called “happiness”—perhaps in Mongolia, if I remember correctly. If being in a relationship with a man makes you feel happy, you may experience that happiness in much the same way as being lavished with gifts or money. If that’s the case, perhaps the size of someone’s love can be judged by what they give you.

Even traditional arranged marriages were based on family background, education, occupation (income), and appearance, so it’s not all that different. You’re free to decide what standards you want to use when dating. If it isn’t enjoyable, find new standards that make socializing more enjoyable for you. I think there may be something off about the way you’re looking at things right now. Marika