I’m dating a married man, and even though he’s a wonderful person, I secretly look down on him. I enjoy being with him, but I can’t shake that feeling, and I feel like I can’t fully trust him. We get along well and I like him, but at the same time, I dislike him.

Hmm… If I had to put it simply, I’d say: “If you say that, papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) wouldn’t work in the first place.” ( ´・ω・｀) My family is important to me, which is why I deliberately draw the line at money… It’s complicated, but maybe that’s the only way I can think about it.

Female member Potassium here. I think I can understand about half of what you’re feeling. That said, it seems like you’ve noticed your contempt for the other person, but not your contempt for yourself. At first, I also felt nothing but discomfort—though I wouldn’t say I despised him—thinking, “Why is he making a move on me when he’s married and has a wife?” At the same time, I despised myself for creating an atmosphere that made it possible for a married man to make a move on me. *The reason I didn’t despise him is that I believe I was the trigger that pushed him toward having an affair. Even if I didn’t actively invite him, my very existence was an invitation. (Is that what you call charm?? I don’t have any of that myself, so is being female considered charm? Well, whatever.)* But looking back now, I actually like married men because they’re married—they won’t fall genuinely in love with me, so I can get along with them comfortably. Because the time I spend with a married man is limited, I can enjoy only the good parts, which makes it easy for me to like him. *(If he were my husband, I’d have to worry about all sorts of household matters, and I don’t think I’d have the emotional room for this.)* At the same time, I feel like I’m fond of the man together with his wife. So if a married man tells me that he and his wife are no longer intimate and that he’s struggling with his sexual needs, then if we click, I think, “I’m enjoying myself too, so I want to be there for him.” But I’m very strict about never making his wife uncomfortable, never letting her find out, having him prioritize his family time above all else, ending things immediately if he and his wife become intimate again or if he says he wants to cut ties with me, and never getting in the way of his family. I even save money in case I ever have to pay compensation. Still, I’m a woman too, so there’s always a chance I could start sympathizing with him or genuinely fall in love. That would cause trouble for both him and his wife, so the allowance is also money I use to avoid facing my own feelings—to suppress them if I realize I’ve genuinely fallen for him. *(It’s fairly rational, since I’ll also be building up money for compensation. Though most decent papas say they’d cover it themselves, I never completely trust someone once money and gender are involved.)* As for the questioner, I recommend that you don’t lose that feeling. The moment you lose it, you’ll turn all the wives in the world into enemies. And once it’s gone, you’ll probably become nothing more than a married-man killer—a person who creates unhappy people. *(One of my friends is basically like that, and it’s pretty bad. Rather than a circle breaker, she’s more like a domestic-life breaker.)* Wow, I sound like nothing but a terrible woman, but… That’s how I do papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan). So, when it comes to married men, I trust them as people, but I don’t trust them as men. That’s just my personal theory.

I think your instincts are still basically sound. But you’ve already got one foot in that world. Most people don’t do papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), regardless of whether the other person is married or single. If the people around you found out you were doing it, most of them would probably look down on you. Most people date or marry someone around their own age, or at most about ten years older or younger. Most people also have a relationship with just one person. It’s rare for someone to casually introduce a papa-katsu partner who’s more than 20 years older to the people around them. Some of the other respondents may be unusual cases, but I don’t think those situations are the norm. I have no intention of justifying it, allowance or otherwise. At the same time, my desires outweigh other considerations, and I feel like something is missing in me, so I don’t particularly have any negative feelings about it. I don’t know whether that was something I was born lacking or something I lost later in life. As for which direction you go in, I think it’s fine to keep your current perspective and simply enjoy it for what it is in the moment. If you only have one foot in, you may still be able to return to the majority’s world. In my case, I often felt that I wouldn’t be able to survive by being part of the majority—or rather, that I had to be different from everyone else. So I’ve gotten used to being different. There are quite a few people like that around me as well, so I don’t think this is just my own way of thinking. Maybe once something is missing, it doesn’t heal so easily—or perhaps it never heals at all.

Whether you find it unpleasant depends on the person asking, so personally, I find it hard to understand why you’d look down on her. If you’re doing papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) while you have a boyfriend, or seeing multiple papas, would you look down on yourself too? It’s all about your mindset. You can’t easily change someone else’s circumstances or way of thinking, but you can change yourself if you decide to. Everyone has different standards of trust, too. If an unmarried papa seriously fell in love with you, could you really trust him?

I think things are fine as they are. If your partner is married, they’d probably be uncomfortable if you started taking things too seriously. After all, that boundary marked by the allowance is part of what this kind of arrangement is about. If you enjoy spending time together and get along well, I don’t think you need to overthink it. If even that makes you uncomfortable, you may be better off dating someone who isn’t married.

That’s not the point at all. When you get involved with a married person, you’re the one who faces social condemnation—not the man. So if you’re going to look down on anyone, it should be yourself. Don’t forget that.

Since money is involved, it isn’t love—it’s a game. So I hope you’ll simply enjoy the game for what it is. Love has no rules, but games come with rules, so maybe it helps to think of your papa as your opponent—or a monster. - Married papa - Single papa - Papa with a girlfriend For me, it’s more like: - PJ who falls for me on a whim - PJ in a transactional relationship who has a boyfriend - PJ in a transactional relationship with no boyfriend - “Pseudo-platonic” PJ (Type A) That’s how I enjoy the game. Every now and then, it’s not bad to enjoy the changes—like when a monster (PJ) suddenly awakens and starts developing genuine feelings, or when a girl who seemed to have fallen for you suddenly becomes cold. People often riot as fans do with phrases like, “Soccer is war,” but that crosses the line beyond the rules, so it’s not okay. papa-katsu is professional wrestling. There are genuine elements to it, but the winner is decided before the match even begins. I think you should just enjoy yourself within those boundaries. P.S. Fuu’s answer is definitely the best answer.