There’s a man I’m interested in right now.
He’s 12 years older than me, divorced, and we’ve known each other for about three years.
Three years ago, he pursued me, but I couldn’t develop feelings for him, and we gradually lost touch.
This March, I suddenly felt like reaching out to him. He replied right away, and for the past six months or so, we’ve been meeting for dinner about twice a month.
During dinner, he’s made comments suggesting he’s interested in me several times, but he’s never actually confessed his feelings.
However, earlier he messaged me on LINE saying something along the lines of, “Let’s meet on a night when you’re off the next day. We can take our time.”
Does this mean he wants to stay overnight—in other words, have an intimate relationship?
The reason I’m wondering is that when he was pursuing me three years ago, he once said, “I want to stay over because I want to be with you. I won’t make a move—I just want to be together.” We ended up spending the night talking in a hotel suite, and nothing else happened.
So this time, I feel like he may be inviting me because he wants to become intimate.
It’s embarrassing to admit, but the only relationships I’ve had with men have been through being a mistress or an introduction club, so I don’t know how the steps of a normal romantic relationship usually work.
Ideally, I imagine being confessed to over dinner, and having my first time together during a trip, for example. I thought there was supposed to be a certain order to these things.
When I think about it that way, he hasn’t confessed his feelings, and he’s waiting for me to make the first move. He’s starting to seem like a rather cowardly man.
That’s why I still haven’t replied to his message on LINE.
I would really appreciate it if you could tell me what men are thinking in situations like this, and what I should say or do if I want him to see me as someone special.
Thank you.
👤Asked byGuest👩GenderFemale🎂20s👑Universe female member
Aren’t you watching too much manga?
If you contacted him first, stop messing around and make it happen already. Even as a woman, I found you annoying.
If he’s a man you’re hesitating over this much, let him go sooner rather than later.
You’re just inconveniencing him.
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There’s no set order or etiquette when it comes to relationships.
Back in the Showa era, living together before marriage was unthinkable. These days, though, fewer people see it as strange.
As times change, so do people’s values.
The idea that “the man should be the one to confess his feelings” also feels outdated in an era that promotes women’s active participation.
Having sex for the first time while traveling, on the other hand, seems especially unlikely to me.
If you realize during the trip that you’re not compatible sexually, the rest of the itinerary itself could become painful.
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To be honest, you sound like a pretty high-maintenance person lol.
The man is putting up with quite a lot too. That said, complicated relationships can be fun sometimes, so I’ll leave that between the two of you lol.
You suddenly contacted someone you turned down three years ago, and yet now you’re going on about the proper order of things?
The person asking this question is pretty high-maintenance for trying to impose their ideals on others. Even if he followed the order, you’d probably find something else to complain about.
You call this a question or consultation, but I don’t think anything anyone says will change your mind.
Why am I going this far? Because I knew someone remarkably similar to you and thought you might actually be that person. They’ve been repeating the same behavior—and the same problems—for 20 years. No matter what advice they get, they never change lol.
Would you like me to give you the same advice I gave them?
Anyway, your best bet is to find a mentally unstable man—someone dependent on you because you’re his only option. The type who could become a stalker. If you date him, it might turn into true love. He’ll go along with your standards for the rest of his life. Though he might dump you if he gets his mental health under control.
Good luck!
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Haha, lol.
> He keeps making comments during dinner that seem like he’s interested in me.
That sounds promising, lol. When he says things like that, just smile and ask, “What exactly do you mean by that?” Lead him into explaining how he feels. Sounds fun, doesn’t it? lol
If I were there, I’d coach you myself.
> Three years ago, when he was pursuing me, he said, “I want to stay over because I want to be with you. I won’t make any moves—I just want to be together.” We ended up spending the night just talking in a hotel suite.
This time, hug him before bed. If he still doesn’t do anything, grab his dick, lol.
Message him right away: “Staying over is totally fine!” Don’t worry so much about the order of things—focus on what’s inside! Before grabbing his dick, guide the conversation so he tells you what he wants, lol.
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Since he’s older and divorced, I get the feeling he may be cautious about starting a relationship.
If you can feel that he likes you and you like him too, then you have two choices: ask him directly or confess your feelings yourself.
Even in a regular relationship, I’d want the other person to ask me out, so I’d probably just ask:
“Do you like me?”
If he says yes, I’d say something like,
“If we’re going to date, I’d like you to say it properly.”
As for what happens afterward, once you’re officially together, you can simply make requests like, “This is what I’d like to do—would that be okay?”
Just because he invites you out at night doesn’t necessarily mean he’s expecting an intimate relationship right away. If he truly cares about you, I’m sure he’ll be willing to wait.
I hope it turns into a wonderful romance!
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Why does it feel cowardly to you?
Because they haven’t realized what you want?
If they’re serious about you, you’ve already kept them waiting long enough—and teased them plenty.
You’ve made a living through papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) and being someone’s mistress, so you can’t really say that, can you?
Even I, as a woman, think so.
And…! Saying that your first time should be on a trip already seems far removed from a normal romantic relationship. Am I the only one who thinks that…?
Akari
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I don’t think there’s a set order to dating these days.
We’re living in an age that values individuality, so ideas about how things “should” be done seem to be gradually fading away. That said:
> Ideally, I’d like to be confessed to over dinner, and have my first time during a trip… It made me wonder if there’s supposed to be a certain order to things.
Since this is an age of individuality, it’s also a time when everyone’s ideal sequence of events should be respected.
Rather than worrying about what other people are doing, think about what you want and how you want to be treated.
I think it’s okay to stick to that.
In this case, I think you should start by telling the other person how you feel.
Something like:
“My ideal is to be confessed to over dinner and have my first time during a trip. That’s the kind of thing I’ve always dreamed of.”
If they’re serious about you, I think they’ll make that happen.
Besides, not so long ago, it was more common to believe that people should remain chaste until marriage. I think people’s views are constantly changing.
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I feel like I’ve seen a question like this before… Are you the same person?!
https://universe-club.jp/help/questions/view/12929
Or is this just a common situation…?
I don’t think “Let’s meet and take our time together at night” automatically means having a physical relationship.
If it’s bothering you, why not tell him, “What kind of relationship do you and I have? I’d like us to actually date before doing anything like that.”?
If you can’t even ask him that, then even if you do start seeing each other, you’ll probably just keep building up frustrations.
I think ideals and reality are different.
If you really want things to go exactly the way you envision them, you have to say so—otherwise, he won’t know. You could casually mention in conversation that you’re drawn to that kind of situation.
There are many things people won’t understand unless you tell them.
Rather than relying on someone else, why not try handling things yourself? Something might change.
You seem to be leaving everything up to the man. If you like him, make the first move yourself!! Good luck.
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You only get one life, and it’s short. Three years is already far too long.
Forget about doing things in the “right” order—at least try to create an environment where it’s easier for them to say they like you, or even just confess their feelings.
In marriage, expecting your partner to just “know” is a recipe for trouble. If you don’t talk, they won’t understand. If you keep waiting for them to figure it out while silently staying upset, it can lead to divorce.
—From someone who’s been divorced once.
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A 12-year age gap would put him in his late 30s or 40s, wouldn’t it?
As for how relationships progress, these days it’s apparently “confession → yes → physical relationship,” as the questioner says. But when I was young—I’m in my 60s now—I don’t remember there being any such steps.
The difference is that there was no formal “confession.” As two people grew closer, the man would pull the woman close and kiss her, and if she didn’t object, they would sleep together. From around the time they kissed, the two were implicitly understood to be “dating.” A “confession” meant saying, “Let’s get married.”
In other words, the concept of friends-with-benefits didn’t exist back then. I wonder when the term “friend with benefits” first came into use. If a woman had an adult relationship (intimate) with a man who wouldn’t marry her, she was looked down on as someone who had merely been used.
Since the man in question is 12 years older, it’s possible that he comes from a different dating culture. If so, it may not necessarily be fair to call him dishonest.
That’s why the questioner should ask directly, “Does that mean you want us to be in a relationship?” And if she wants to get married, she should also ask, “Do you mean with marriage in mind?”
Maybe they’re part of a generational transition like that.
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The skill of a hunter is making it impossible to tell whether he’s after a serious relationship or just a casual sex partner.
Like the man in your question, I keep them guessing. I’ll act suggestive sometimes and not at others, gradually getting closer while waiting for them to lose patience—then I make my move.
I don’t confess my feelings. If we’re not physically compatible, it’s all for nothing, so I prefer to sleep together first.
A lot of women feel the same way—that you can’t know until you’ve slept together.
There are couples who started as casual sex partners or through papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), developed genuine feelings, became each other’s first choice, and eventually got married. There are even married couples made up of a sex worker and a wealthy man.
The label doesn’t really matter. Thinking that you’re being taken lightly, mocked, or looked down on won’t get you anywhere.
Love has never been something I could make sense of. Love is full of things that make no sense.
Recently, there was a woman I entered into a monthly arrangement with before having an adult relationship (intimate). It was a huge gamble, even by my standards, but I won—and she became someone I absolutely adore.
You never know what life has in store.
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> You’re starting to feel like he’s kind of a coward.
Actually, you’re the coward here.
That guy made a move and basically confessed his feelings three years ago, right?
Then, when you reached out to him after three years, he kept meeting you for six months straight.
And he’s told you that his feelings still haven’t changed by repeatedly making comments suggesting he’s interested while you’re having dinner, hasn’t he?
What are you doing, relying on him forever? Are you a baby? Give me a breakーーーーーーー
It’s your life. Live it yourself. Wake up。。。。。。。
And besides—
If you think about it normally, he probably doesn’t even necessarily want a physical relationship. He simply wants to cherish you, doesn’t want to lose you, and doesn’t want to go through a period where he can’t see you again. He wants to maintain a relationship where you can keep meeting without risking rejection or drifting apart. It’s not that his goal is sex—he genuinely, deeply loves youーーーー
Can’t you understand thatーーーーー
> Ideally, I imagined being confessed to over dinner, and having my first time during a trip… I thought maybe there was supposed to be an order to these things.
You’ve basically already been confessed to exactly as you wanted—or rather, your story is even more wonderful and ideal.
You rejected him and lost touch, but when you reached out, he came right back to see you, and his feelings hadn’t changed…
That’s the kind of story people would envy.
Tell him how you feel, like Nagano Mei in today’s TV drama *Unicorn*, and move forward.
It’s your turn to tell him how you feel. Otherwise, he’ll keep those feelings buried deep in his heart for the rest of his life.
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