Honestly, I don’t really understand what “gachi-koi” means. I think people act because they like someone, so by that definition, all of my relationships are gachi-koi, lol.

Question

So is the opposite basically a transactional relationship? If “keeping things separate” when you need to means being practical and drawing a line, then all of them would be transactional relationships, lol. For starters, I don’t know how to compartmentalize the feeling of liking someone. Is there some kind of training for reaching that state of mind? I’d genuinely like someone to teach me. Somehow, I feel like reaching that state would lead to thinking, “I don’t need women anymore,” but I wonder if that’s really how it works. From a woman’s perspective, how would you actually want a man to feel? This is Osaka, lol.

Answer 1

Sorry for asking such a middle-schooler-type question in the middle of the night, everyone lol. Whenever I see terms like “seriously in love” and “a transactional relationship,” I start wondering which one applies to me—or which one applies to the other person. It just crossed my mind lol. I thought everyone’s answers might help clarify things, but they all had different takes, so now I’m even more confused. I’ll just leave it at that haha. Still, I really appreciated everyone’s opinions, so thank you! Now that it’s daytime, I’m pretty embarrassed that I asked this, but I’m grateful you all humored me. It’s like watching the final scene of the movie *Moteki*, where Nagasawa Masami is being chased, grinning to myself before bed—and then waking up the next morning and calmly realizing, “There’s no way I could run like that” lol.

Answer 2

> I can’t compartmentalize my feelings of love in the first place. Is there some kind of discipline or state of mind you can reach to get there? I’d actually like to know. > > I wonder if reaching that state would ultimately make you feel like you don’t need women at all. What do you think? Good question（笑） I think it’s more about having certain behavioral guidelines based on where you stand in the relationship. You both feel positively toward each other, but because you can’t take things any further, you agree to keep it at the “like” level. That may sound a little self-serving, but I treat her as someone special and don’t pursue other women the way I do with her. She’s also happy that I stay focused on her, and sometimes chooses not to have or pursue a boyfriend. I can sense that she feels comfortable with our arrangement. It feels like our respective “self-interest” happens to align. I suppose I’m a little more on the women’s side than Misato-san’s papa, while the woman I’m seeing is about equal to Tsubaki-san—or perhaps slightly more on my side（笑）

Answer 3

Senpai, asking a “gachi-koi” question in the middle of the night? It’s so middle-schooler-like, I actually laughed, lol. To me, gachi-koi means being so confused and shaken up that you can’t control yourself at all—your emotions become a complete mess. It means being willing to prioritize that person even if it means destroying everything else in your life. Maybe I’m just extremely intense, though.

Answer 4

I may not have enough experience to say for sure, but isn’t “gachi-koi” basically a feeling similar to ordinary romantic love? Maybe you could call it “gachi-koi-style.” Even though there’s still a clear line in the form of an allowance, perhaps everything else feels much like a normal relationship? On the opposite end, rather than being a transactional relationship, maybe it’s a relationship where you simply put up with things for the allowance. For example, meeting someone you don’t particularly want to see because you want the money, and accepting the allowance anyway… Because there’s always that line of receiving an allowance, I feel that all these relationships are transactional to some extent. But not getting too involved in each other’s private lives isn’t necessarily transactional—it may simply be proper etiquette in a dating club. I’m starting to lose track of what I’m even writing, so I’ll stop here. Sorry this doesn’t really answer your question.

Answer 5

I’m not entirely sure about that myself, but I’m enjoying a fulfilling, exciting life（笑） In my case, when I like someone, I can focus or devote myself to the person in front of me—or someone who contacts me via LINE, for example—to a certain extent, or probably more than the average person would. So in a sense, I may be combining both genuinely falling in love and maintaining a transactional relationship. I respond that way regardless of gender. Again, though, this only applies to people I genuinely like. I suppose everyone has a different sense of where that line is. If I had to fit myself into someone’s definition, I’m genuinely in love with my wife too. I want to see her every day and be intimate with her, which is why we’re married and live together. Naturally, because I love her, I give and spend the most money on her as well. Our living expenses and allowances are essentially her allowance. I probably give her the most affection, too. That’s probably the foundation of my way of thinking. So I don’t really understand the idea that your allowance decreases once you genuinely fall in love. I’d think you would simply continue spending money on the person as well. If I didn’t cover her living expenses and give her spending money, she’d probably start papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan)（笑） The reason I still do this kind of thing is something I explained in a previous answer: people have limits to how much they can accept financially and sexually, and sometimes giving more than that doesn’t produce the response you hoped for. On the other hand, with me, perhaps all my desires are interconnected—or maybe I’m simply consumed by them. I still don’t seem to have them fully under control, and I have a selfish desire to pour affection and money into someone. Writing this out has made me realize that perhaps I still haven’t met anyone through this activity whom I could genuinely fall in love with. Of course, I did like the people I met, so I gave them a reasonable allowance and spent money on them in other ways too. But I usually end up getting dumped when we’re only halfway there, so I don’t know what would have happened—or what will happen—after that. This doesn’t really answer the question at all, but that’s my answer（笑）

Answer 6

“Gachi-koi” is a term used from women’s perspective to describe a certain type of papa. So even if a man wonders, “Am I gachi-koi or not?” he’ll never reach a conclusion. It’s kind of like sexual harassment in that sense. If I had to define it, it would be “a man who seeks a level of closeness beyond what the woman wants.” As long as a man is only thinking to himself, “I want to marry this girl,” it isn’t gachi-koi yet. Once he says it out loud, it becomes gachi-koi. Even if he says “I want to marry you” but doesn’t really mean it, that’s fake love. What does a transactional relationship separate with money? It separates feelings from actions. That’s why “money is a condom for the heart.” Part of it is to keep women from developing gachi-koi feelings toward men. Though, from the man’s perspective, women can also fall into gachi-koi. It’s the kind of thing the “loser guy” often writes about. Money is supposed to prevent gachi-koi, but sometimes you still catch it—kind of like with a COVID vaccine. A transactional relationship is love protected by the money vaccine, while gachi-koi is love in which the vaccine has stopped working. That doesn’t necessarily mean it will become severe. Some papa-katsu women are very good at handling a moderate case of gachi-koi.

Answer 7

Reading everyone’s answers, I was shocked—in a good way. When I was a student, I think I was the type to fall head over heels and want to see someone every day. But over the past few years, since starting work, I haven’t really experienced that kind of passionate love… either in my private life or in papa-katsu. I do have a papa who’s my second favorite, as Marika mentioned, but my rational side unconsciously keeps things transactional. I find myself thinking things like, “He has other partners too,” or “I don’t want to be disliked for being demanding,” and that puts the brakes on my feelings. It feels like being genuinely in love and keeping things transactional coexist for me, so I can’t say the two are complete opposites. That’s why I thought it was wonderful—and honestly, I envied everyone—for liking their papas so much. It’s lovely. Even though I admire that, I still feel that, personality- and lifestyle-wise, I’m better suited to someone who feels about the same way I do: “If I want to see you because I like you, of course I’ll ask, but I don’t want to pressure you, so if you say no, maybe another time.” I wonder if I’ll ever be able to fall genuinely in love again… This was Tsubaki, hoping to meet someone wonderful. (Haha) Sorry for the long, possibly off-topic post.

Answer 8

I thought Marika’s answer was wonderful. I’m not good at relationships that feel transactional. To me, that usually means a relationship focused mainly on physical intimacy. Maybe that’s just how I see it… What I’m looking for isn’t that. I want someone I can genuinely come to love to be my papa, while also receiving an allowance. And I’d be happy if he came to love me, too. That said, I’m sure some women find that kind of relationship too emotionally demanding. Maybe the feelings you have for your papa and your boyfriend are completely different. Even in papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), I couldn’t tell the difference, and I ended up genuinely falling for my papa. So I said goodbye to the other men I was seeing. To answer the question honestly, I want my papa to love me, and ideally, I wouldn’t want him to be seeing anyone else. But since I’m receiving an allowance, I understand that I may have to put up with certain things. So even if I’m just a convenient woman or not his first choice, I’m willing to accept that.

Answer 9

Men’s esthetic salons and hostess clubs alike make men spend huge amounts of money based on 100% pure misunderstanding. Male customers ask the same things over and over: “You really do like me, don’t you?” “When you quit this job, you’ll go out with me, right?” “Let’s go see a movie sometime—let’s go on a date.” Even if I’m thinking to myself, “As if I could give you an honest no,” “Wake up,” or “Stop asking questions just to make yourself feel good,” I don’t really care, so I just let the workday pass without giving it much thought. If their misunderstanding goes too far, they get banned. If they stay within the bounds of common sense, they become heavy regulars. Huh?? Did I get way off track? Sorry. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is this: Men are creatures who fantasize on their own. And that’s why they pour money into women—lots and lots of it… Even when the reality is 0 to 100—or rather, there can be a 200% difference, like minus 100 to 100, in their misunderstanding. So for men, I think it’s important to develop the kind of instinct and eye for people that lets them recognize when someone they like genuinely accepts them and likes them back. Otherwise, they can keep charging straight ahead under a misconception without ever realizing it. You only need to be popular with three people you genuinely like out of a hundred. You don’t need to be loved by everyone like Takuya Kimura. In fact, if 20 or 30 people like you, it can become harder to reach the one you truly care about. All you need is for one, two, or three people—or, to put it dramatically, just three people in the entire world—to like you. If your eye for choosing the right person is spot-on, the person you have feelings for will return your affection exactly as you hope.

Answer 10

If there’s no remainder when you divide it, that’s a transactional relationship. If there is a remainder, then I don’t think it’s a relationship that divides neatly. It also depends on what you divide by. I think a lot of people use five. The classy thing is not to treat the remainder as change. Mixing it with soda and adding a slice of lemon can be nice this time of year—but in the end, it all comes down to whether there’s any remainder. I think controlling the remainder is the essence of dating clubs. It’s somewhat like collecting a midstream urine sample for a urinalysis. So what is genuinely falling in love? I think it’s being in a state where you don’t even know whether there’s anything left over. In urine-sample terms, it’s like continuing to pee toward the sky without a care in the world, even after the cup has overflowed. Taro

Answer 11

I’m currently seeing more than ten women, but if I ever truly fell for someone, I’d probably focus on her alone. If I were genuinely in love, I’d want to see her every day, so naturally I wouldn’t have time to see the others. Among the women I’m seeing now, there isn’t a single one I’d want to meet every day. Seeing the same person even three times a month is enough for me… Even if I did fall seriously for someone, I’d definitely still give her an allowance. It would probably help me keep my feelings somewhat under control, so it might be a win-win. I want to meet someone I’m absolutely crazy about—someone like Marika or Aya, whose mere message would make me happy. And I want us to feel the same way about each other. No matter how much money I acquire, I feel like I’ll never be able to obtain a woman who truly loves me back. There’s hardly anything money can’t solve, but love is the one thing it can’t do anything about. I wonder how people come to fall in love with someone… Sorry this didn’t really answer the question.

Answer 12

For me, what Marika described here: > Just getting a LINE message makes me happy. He invited me even though he’s busy. I get to see him—yay! I feel safe and at ease with him both at dinner and in private, and I really love being with him. That’s my second papa. That’s exactly what being genuinely in love with a papa feels like to me. My favorite papa is like that. His LINE notification came through in the middle of the night earlier, and I immediately woke up. I couldn’t get back to sleep because I was wide awake, but I didn’t mind at all because I like him so much. My most generous papa probably doesn’t quite inspire that level of feeling… If he contacts me in the middle of the night and I can’t sleep afterward, I’ll lightly pout the next day and say, “I couldn’t sleep because of you, papa!” But I genuinely like him too.

Answer 13

We have fun chatting, going out for meals, and being intimate, but it’s not like I constantly feel desperate to see him. If he invites me, I’ll go because it’s fun. I also invite him when I can, whenever possible. That’s what a papa who I’m not seriously in love with is like. My second-favorite papa is someone whose messages make me happy, who invites me even when he’s busy, and makes me think, “We can meet—yay!” I feel safe and really enjoy being with him, whether we’re having dinner or spending time together privately. My favorite papa is someone I always want to be with, someone I miss when we’re apart, and someone I’d want to be intimate with every day. In my case, I think feelings up through my second-favorite papa count as seriously falling in love. Unless the man feels roughly the same way, things become unbalanced and eventually come to an end. So I think most people naturally end up with relationships where the feelings are fairly even. Marika

Honestly, I don’t really understand what “gachi-koi” means. I think people act because they like someone, so by that definition, all of my relationships are gachi-koi, lol.

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Honestly, I don’t really understand what “gachi-koi” means. I think people act because they like someone, so by that definition, all of my relationships are gachi-koi, lol.

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