The woman I’m seeing still speaks to me formally, and although I think we’re fairly close, I somehow feel a barrier between us.
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I’ve told her several times that I’d like her to speak to me more casually, but things basically haven’t changed.
Every now and then, she’ll let a casual phrase slip out, but that’s about it. Around 80% of her messages are still written formally.
Considering the nature of our relationship, is this something I shouldn’t worry about too much?
Or does it indicate that, even though we’ve become fairly close, she still wants to maintain a certain degree of distance?
・Length of the relationship: About a year and a half
・Age gap: 13 years
・We see each other four or five times a month. (Sometimes we meet because of her work rather than for a date.)
・She’s been deeply involved in competitive sports since childhood, and her current job is an extension of that.
・We know about each other’s private lives almost as much as a regular boyfriend and girlfriend would, so I’m assuming—perhaps naively—that we’ve built a certain level of trust.
👤Asked byGuest👨GenderMale🎂40s👑Universe male member
I think Aya’s right.
Reading the answers, I was surprised to learn that some people do papa-katsu using formal language. It was a new discovery for me that everyone has their own style.
Maybe the person asking the question gives off an atmosphere where using formal language feels more natural.
That said, it must be exhausting for a woman who’s receiving an allowance to keep using formal language. On top of that, I imagine she’s probably on edge the entire time. If she’s worried about being cut off, I can see why she’d continue speaking formally.
Also, you should let go of this self-centered way of thinking.
>・He’s been intensely involved in competitive sports since childhood, and his current job is an extension of that.
If that’s the case, then this is papa-katsu: you should make him feel cared for while receiving your allowance, and let him enjoy the contrast. Since he’s from a competitive-sports background, you should be able to have fun, match his energy, and help him blow off some steam.
>・We know almost as much about each other’s private lives as a boyfriend and girlfriend would,
That only counts after you’ve met at least two or three times a week—or several days in a row. Even after meeting 100 times, you should think of it as being equivalent to just one day with a boyfriend...
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Sorry for being so negative and gloomy, but why don’t people consider the possibility that everything—or at least part—of what she says could be a bluff?
I don’t understand why they cling to hope or try so hard to believe her.
This is papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), after all.
That’s just my personal opinion.
Especially early in the relationship, lies are hard to take back—because doing so means admitting they lied.
If you trust her as a person, I can understand that. But in that case, I think you need to be prepared to follow her pace completely.
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If you’re meeting through work, I think it’s perfectly normal to use polite language to some extent.
If you usually joke around casually but switch to polite speech at work, you might accidentally slip into casual banter while on the job…
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I agree with Aya.
No matter how close you are or how much you trust each other, I think there still needs to be a clear boundary because he’s your papa.
Even with a papa you really care about, there are certain lines you probably want to keep in place.
Also… speaking personally, sometimes it’s about making sure you don’t get too emotionally attached.
—Akari
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One minute he tells her to speak politely, and the next he tells her to drop the formalities…
Does she work in a profession where she has to use very formal language? If so, there are certainly people who can’t easily switch it off.
Speaking formally for a year and a half… it does feel like there might be a bit of a wall between them.
Well, it’s not a romantic relationship, and this is an arrangement through a dating club, so I suppose it can’t be helped.
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Teramoto from Universe Club’s Customer Success Team 1 here.
As the other respondent mentioned, I don’t think it’s something you need to worry about that deeply.
It may be becoming less common these days, but my grandmother always used polite language when speaking to my grandfather. Even so, they lived together very happily, which makes me feel even more strongly that whether or not you use polite language probably doesn’t matter that much.
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I feel much the same way as Early, but since you say that:
> Your partner has been deeply immersed in sports culture since childhood.
People raised in that kind of environment are generally very respectful toward seniors and older people. To them, it probably feels completely natural. I don’t think you need to worry about it too much.
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You can still become close with someone even if you both use polite language.
Two of the women I’m closest to are both extremely formal when they speak.
The only time they switch to casual speech is when they’re about to climax, and honestly, I find that really exciting lol.
Woman: “No, I can’t. I’m about to—ah, I’m coming!”
Only the “I’m about to” and “I’m coming!” are casual. And when I’m the one about to climax:
Me: “Oh wow, I’m about to come.”
Woman: “Come for me!”
The “Come for me!” is casual too.
There are ways to enjoy it like that. If they spoke casually all the time, I think I’d actually dislike it. It would feel too professional.
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It probably depends on how formal she is, and her upbringing may also play a role, so I don’t think you need to worry about it.
I’m seeing someone who occasionally slips into casual speech despite generally speaking politely, and my wife is the same way.
It depends on the degree, of course, but I don’t think that alone determines whether there’s a wall between you. If you’re sensing some distance, something else may be contributing as well.
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The ones who stick around talk casually, even with a 30-year age gap.
Maybe that’s just their personality.
If you can’t smoothly switch to casual speech with just one person, all you can do is ask them to.
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If she’s still using polite language in that situation, I feel like it’s pretty clear she has some kind of emotional wall up.
When someone genuinely wants to become closer, they generally start speaking more casually and using friendly, informal language. I actually have a papa (a male supporter) in a similar relationship, and since there’s a 13-year age gap, we’re completely on casual terms.
Maybe she has a loving boyfriend and wants to keep things different with you, or perhaps she has some kind of dissatisfaction with your relationship, such as the allowance. But trying to dig into the reason might only make things worse, so why not wait and see how things develop for a while?
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I think she’s simply the type of woman who believes in using polite language with older people.
She may change her mind when the time is right, so I don’t think you need to worry about it at this point.
If anything, it shows that she’s a respectable, well-mannered person. Don’t let it bother you.
If you two have a good relationship right now, I wouldn’t worry about whether she uses polite language or not.
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