I’ve been seeing a woman from a dating club for over four years. I thought I was the only person she was seeing, but six months ago, she started seeing another papa (a male supporter). I found out from a notification on her iPhone. She won’t tell me where they met.
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Why would she do this? I’ve been giving her a sufficient allowance, and I thought our relationship hadn’t changed. Around six months ago, I did start seeing another new woman, so maybe that had something to do with it—but I’ve added new women before as well.
After four years, what kind of change in her feelings would make her start seeing another papa?
👤Asked byGuest👨GenderMale🎂50s👑Universe male member
No matter how you read it—vertically or diagonally—it’s a question I find difficult to empathize with or relate to.
I imagine Putin must have felt something similar when he tried to make Ukraine his own.
Women are human beings. The questioner needs to recognize their own selfishness.
You can’t buy someone’s heart with money, and even if you could obtain it, I don’t think it would be what you truly wanted.
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> I’ve increased mine before, too.
The questioner doesn’t mind adding more supporters themselves, but feels bothered when the woman does the same. That seems like a strange double standard to me.
Why did you want to increase yours in the first place? Don’t you think the same could be true for her?
If she’s important enough for this to bother you, I think you should face her more sincerely.
But if it’s simply a matter of “it’s okay for me, but not for her,” then I think you should reconsider that way of thinking.
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They may have been around before, but after being together for four years, I feel that showing you those notifications was probably intentional rather than accidental.
I was open about seeing multiple women, but even so, there were girls who focused exclusively on me (though that may have been part of their strategy). Still, some of them have told me honestly that, whether it was right or wrong, they didn’t like it—or at the very least, wanted to be my number one. Some even asked me not to see other girls in this area (Tokyo and the places I travel to for work).
I don’t know what’s going on in your partner’s mind, but she may have been experiencing all kinds of conflicting emotions.
I wasn’t giving her what she would consider a generous (well-paying) allowance, and at first I had no intention of stopping my multiple arrangements either. But recently, my feelings have changed, and I’ve stopped being open about seeing multiple women. In fact, I’ve been thinking that it may be time to stop altogether, and I’m currently adjusting things in that direction.
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It’s wonderful that you’ve been together for four years.
I think he probably had multiple sugar partners long before six months ago. He must have sensed every time your feelings wavered, which was probably painful for him.
Even though he’s free to have another girlfriend, he says women aren’t allowed to do the same? He sounds very self-centered.
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>“I’ve been giving her a sufficient allowance, and our relationship should still be the same.”
That’s not enough. The relationship shouldn’t merely stay the same—it should grow deeper and closer as the years go by. Unless things keep getting better, people generally become bored and lose interest.
Because you met through a dating club, both of you need to keep making an effort to please each other without letting your guard down.
Pleasing your partner doesn’t just mean giving regular gifts or money. It also includes things like continuing to show your personal growth and remaining someone your partner can respect.
That woman simply wasn’t naïve enough to keep having romantic feelings for an older man she couldn’t respect.
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Maybe it hurt because you’d been seeing each other for four years and thought you were the only one?
If you’re happy with the allowance, maybe there’s something else about the relationship that isn’t satisfying you. I don’t know what that might be, but I think you’ll be happier pretending not to know and continuing to enjoy your time together.
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I don’t think it’s really something to make a big fuss over.
You were just feeling lonely because you hadn’t been invited out.
If she decides that you’re the better option, she’ll stop paying attention to anyone else.
If she doesn’t feel that way, you’re probably being kept as a backup.
Maybe it’s best to see it as mutual and leave it at that.
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Rather than trying to figure out why it happened, wouldn’t it be better to make the most of it?
You could use this as an excuse to tease them a little.
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If you’re seeing multiple people but tell her, “As long as you only see me, I’ll give you whatever allowance you want,” and she’s receiving several million yen a month from that arrangement, then I suppose you can’t really blame him for complaining…
But I honestly don’t understand why it’s okay for you to date multiple people while your partner isn’t allowed to.
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Maybe either the money or the sex wasn’t satisfying enough.
Even when I’m satisfied, I still develop new desires and end up finding other papas.
Is that wrong?
You do the same thing yourself, don’t you?
Marika
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Papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) is about caring for each other and giving each other room to breathe.
Whether it’s papa-katsu or anything else, women are only drawn to men who have the emotional space to be generous.
A papa who has no room to spare can’t give that sense of comfort to someone else.
> “I give her more than enough allowance…”
But if you don’t show any consideration or give her any peace of mind, it’s basically the same as giving her nothing. And honestly, women find it pretty irritating when a man acts like, “I give you this much allowance, so it should be enough.”
If you’re not truly satisfied with things as they are, the other person will sense that too.
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You sound like a capable, generous papa (a male supporter). Age isn’t everything, but since we’re both in our 50s, I’d like to think we share some generational sensibilities. If that’s the case, I wish you hadn’t asked a question like this. Let’s both be a little more sensible.
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Are you asking this here because you want to be a punching bag for the female respondents?
As one female respondent put it:
“Maybe she got fed up with you and found another papa because you’re such a small-minded man that, while you conveniently kept a woman on the side, you panicked when your four-year monthly-arrangement partner found a papa of her own.”
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I think they had already been there before the four-year mark, not that they showed up after four years. So I don’t think there’s been any particular change in their feelings.
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