I’m 22 now, and I used to be a female member of Universe in my teens.
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When life was really hard (when I registered), I asked for advice here, and everyone’s responses really resonated with me—more than any pretty words ever could. This is personal, but I’d like to ask for advice about my troubles again.
My problem is that I’ve fallen for someone I initially had a physical relationship with.
Here’s a brief overview:
・There’s an age gap of more than 10 years.
・We met online because we share an unusual fetish.
・We agreed not to pry into each other’s private lives.
Unlike papa candidates who say they want a calm relationship but constantly expect me to act feminine, I liked how he saw my true inner self. We had other hobbies in common besides our unusual fetish, and I also liked how he spoiled me. I was able to tell him secrets I’d kept hidden until then.
I knew I wasn’t supposed to pry into his private life. At first, this was just something casual for me too, but I ended up genuinely falling for him.
I knew it might be a burden, but I even confessed my feelings.
He replied that he felt sorry because of our age difference.
It was probably just a polite response, and I think the truth is that he isn’t interested in me—not just because of the age gap.
He did say that he’d be happy if he could be someone I could come back to when I needed him, or someone I could rely on emotionally.
But recently, he said, “There are plenty of people like me, so why don’t you meet other people too?” That really hurt me.
I’m pretty low on his list of priorities, aren’t I?
If he can’t return my feelings, I should end things with him, right?
Sorry for rambling.
I’ve pretty much arrived at my own answer: “He probably doesn’t have strong feelings for me anyway, and I’ll choose to see him as a sly person who uses vague words like ‘someone you can rely on’ to keep me around. I’ll make our next meeting the last one and delete his contact information.”
Do you think that’s okay?
I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this, so I’d really appreciate a little encouragement.
Thank you.
> If he doesn’t return your feelings, you should break up with him, right??
If “breaking up” assumes that you’re in a relationship, then I don’t think the two of you are actually dating in the first place.
Rather than “breaking up,” wouldn’t “distancing yourself” be the more accurate expression?
In other words, perhaps you were simply “close” as kindred spirits who shared similar interests.
You were never in the box labeled “relationship” to begin with.
Maybe he’s the kind of person who acts similarly toward younger people of the same gender when he clicks with them, but given the imbalance in the weight of your feelings, I can’t see any future in which this works out.
Personally, the kind of thing that would make me think, “It’s barely okay for a physical relationship, but a definite no for dating,” would probably be smoking.
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I’ll answer based on my own experience.
Over the past three months, I’ve gained two girlfriends.
“Gained” may sound disrespectful and probably gives the haters something to celebrate, but that’s honestly how I see it.
Both of them confessed that they wanted me to be their boyfriend, and I immediately said, “Sure,” without giving it much thought.
I don’t get seriously emotionally attached, so I don’t love either of them. But they’re both incredibly impressive women, and I couldn’t resist their beauty.
It was simply a matter of having “no reason to turn them down.”
They knew I already had a girlfriend, but they said they were fine with that.
Men are usually pretty hopeless creatures like me. We don’t mind having multiple girlfriends.
Even though the person asking this question confessed, he didn’t get a yes. To put it bluntly, I think he was
“not just a little short, but a long way short”
of what she was looking for.
If he had been enough, she would have said yes. The fact that she didn’t means he wasn’t just slightly lacking—he was lacking by a lot. In other words, there’s no chance going forward, so move on.
Don’t look back anymore.
Even if you turn around and chase after her, you’ll never become anything more than friends with benefits.
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When a man has a physical relationship with a woman but feels he can’t date her, it’s usually because:
- She doesn’t quite have that deciding factor that would make him want a relationship.
Being sexually compatible can actually mean that, in other respects, he feels the match is only so-so.
Maybe she’s not quite his type looks-wise, their personalities don’t click, or he feels she’s too young.
If a man genuinely likes a woman, he’ll always try to make her his exclusively and will likely go out of his way to show his sincerity in some way.
So I think your only real option is to give up on him.
I’m sure you’ll meet a great boyfriend who’s a better match. Keep your chin up and move forward.
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Wouldn’t people find this creepy if you switched the genders?
I don’t think the man has changed at all, or that he’s done anything particularly terrible. Isn’t it just that the questioner’s feelings changed, so she got hurt on her own and is now unilaterally saying they might as well break up?
Feelings can change, and that’s unavoidable, but aren’t the demands being made of the other person completely one-sided?
I think this is an issue with the questioner herself.
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I answered the previous question as well, but since this one has received answers from others too, I’d like to offer a different perspective.
It would be easier to explore this further if you had explained what the “unusual kink” was. But if it involves some kind of dominance/submission play, then the questioner has fallen for him but isn’t having those feelings reciprocated, so she’s trying to break things off by making their next meeting the last one. In reality, that itself might be part of the process of making the man’s fantasy complete.
I wrote about this on my blog a little while ago, but apparently one technique used in brainwashing is to “keep someone dangling.” You deliberately act cold and leave them alone, or let them do as they please. But since it’s rare to find someone whose unusual kink matches yours, they eventually come back to you. By repeating this, you make the person give up and think, “I can never escape this man.”
The part where he says, “I’d be happy if you could come back to me when you really need someone, and if I could become your emotional refuge”—that’s been stuck in your mind, hasn’t it?
It isn’t merely “unfair.” It’s something much more frightening.
Also, at this point, you’re not thinking, “I’ll never see him again.” You’re thinking, “I’ll make our next meeting the last one” and then break things off, right?
I can almost sense in you a self-destructive—or even self-harming—desire to enjoy that kind of pleasure.
When you meet him next, while he’s engaging you in that unusual-kink play, he may say something to you, and you might find yourself answering, “…Yes.”
Still, you’re only 22 and have plenty of time ahead of you, so perhaps you could simply surrender yourself to him and explore that unusual kink to its fullest.
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If you already know the answer in your heart, that’s probably the best answer for you.
Still, while it isn’t necessarily wrong, a relationship where neither person pries into the other’s private life is, ultimately, a rather self-serving one.
That man is probably looking for a convenient mistress-type arrangement.
If you’re not comfortable with that, the only option is to end things.
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