I’m a new female member. I received three offers, and there was one man I thought I’d like to see, but he never mentioned the allowance and then told me he had booked a hotel, which made me uneasy.

Judging from how things unfolded, I assume this was a second date with a Type B arrangement. A man who intends to discuss the allowance properly will usually bring it up during the first dinner. If you expressed your intentions via LINE or something similar after the date, there’s a good chance he felt put off. That’s because he may have assumed, on his own, that you trusted him. And when it comes to contraception, even a man who had intended to use protection may feel offended if he thinks you see him as the kind of person who wouldn’t. A man who wants to go without protection may feel offended too. Anyway, let’s just consider it a lucky escape from a strange man and move on to the next one!

I think you should go with your gut. You’re kind to even consider continuing with such a self-centered papa (a male supporter)—perhaps too kind. If he keeps making offers, I think it would be perfectly fine to say goodbye to him.

Hmm… Everyone’s answers are really insightful. I’m voting for Marika here! > “If you don’t have a natural gift for relationships, you need to use your head to make them work—and if you’re not sharp, you’ll get taken advantage of.” That’s a quote-worthy line（笑） I’m not very sharp myself, so I always tell the women I date, “I’ll leave it up to you!” That has its own charm, too.

I think what you talk about and when you bring it up depends on the person. I have my own way of handling things, but that might be a person to avoid for someone else. That said, getting sulky isn’t okay. People should be able to manage their own moods. The fact that you came here for advice probably means you don’t have much tolerance for your papa’s bad moods. This time it was about contraception, but sooner or later you’ll see him get moody over other things too. Ask yourself whether you’re willing to put up with that, or whether you’d rather look for someone who doesn’t act that way. Consider what falls within your own comfort zone. Still, at least he made it obvious, which may be a good thing. Why not move on and see what comes next?

You may both prefer not to bring up the allowance, but that’s exactly why I’d like the man to address it clearly. If someone wants to rely on vague vibes and somehow make things work, he should look outside the framework of a dating club and try his luck with younger women elsewhere. With that in mind: If he hasn’t brought up the allowance, he may be a romantic older gentleman who wants the relationship to feel like dating a girlfriend, thinking that discussing money would ruin the mood—even though this is a dating club. If that’s the case, you might have needed to be a little more careful about how you brought it up. Saying, “I’ve booked a hotel for us today,” is different from saying, “I booked our next date.” The nuance also changes if you communicate it in writing, such as over LINE. If the allowance isn’t going to be negotiated, I would bring my own protection and tell him to use it if he doesn’t put one on himself. If he says he doesn’t have any, then he’s a truly awful man who knew exactly what he was doing. Even if you still want to continue, either have him use the one you brought, or turn him down if he refuses. If he’s a man I wouldn’t see again even if he didn’t pay for that day’s date, I’d simply leave. Use your head and all five senses, and approach the situation with the best strategy you can. Unless you have a natural gift for this, relationships won’t go well if you don’t think things through—and if you’re not sharp, you’ll be taken advantage of. Marika

Unless you post exactly what the other person wrote and what you sent them, without changing anything, it’s hard to tell what upset them. Otherwise, the answers may miss the point. For example, even the simple statement, “I booked a hotel,” could mean something like, “Let’s order room service and have dinner together.” They may have been hoping things would continue if the mood was right, but basically, they were saying they wanted to meet for a meal. So if you suddenly brought up contraception at that point, he might think, “I’m talking about dinner, and she’s bringing up contraception? She really knows how to ruin the mood.” That’s why I think the context before and after the conversation is also important. Also, regarding the part where you said, “I’ll leave the amount of the allowance up to you, but I made it clear that I wanted proper contraception,” the way you worded it matters too. If you wrote something like: “Are you booking a hotel? I’ll leave the allowance up to you, but you’d better use proper contraception.” it could sound as though you were angry, and might also give the impression that you’re fine with intimacy with anyone. So I think exactly how you phrased it is important as well. It’s probably too late now, but since you were still feeling anxious, it might have been better to reply with something like: “I’m still feeling a little nervous, so would it be okay if we had dinner first and then decided what to do afterward? I know you’re wonderful, but I’m sorry for being so indecisive. I’m really looking forward to meeting you, though.” Then, if things naturally progressed toward going to a hotel, you could have discussed the allowance by saying something like: “About how much allowance would you offer?” Once that was settled, you could then say: “I’d also like to ask that we use contraception. Would that be okay?” I think it might have been better to bring it up verbally that way. That said, there are also men who dislike women bringing up that subject at all. If he was that kind of man, then it would be unavoidable if things ended there. > “I felt that we wouldn’t be able to have a good relationship unless we were both comfortable with everything first...” That’s exactly right. However, there are all kinds of men, so I think it’s best to look at the other person’s reaction and guide the conversation smoothly. It may be easier to explain things over LINE, but I feel it’s better to discuss them in person at the time. It may be difficult to say, but do your best.

Whether it’s a letter date or a club-arranged meeting, a man saying right away, > “I’ve booked a hotel,” without even discussing the allowance—and before getting consent for an adult relationship—is completely unacceptable. Unfortunately, it’s just as unacceptable for the woman to bring up both the allowance and contraception before that point. Both are out of the question and make me cringe. I think it’s best to carefully consider what you want to agree to before entering the relationship. Is the allowance your priority, or the nature of the relationship? It depends on what you’re looking for. > “Do men really not want to discuss the allowance?” Yes, that’s right. If she’s a favorite and he wants to keep seeing her, he won’t bring up the allowance. In other cases, he’ll discuss it so there won’t be any hard feelings later. So when he does bring it up, it means she’s someone he wouldn’t mind losing touch with or not being able to continue seeing—in other words, someone in a transactional relationship. In a sense, it also serves as severance pay. P.S. A man who says, “I’ve booked a hotel,” before getting consent for an adult relationship is so out of line he deserves to be banned from the club… He should say, “I’ve booked a hotel,” only after getting consent for an adult relationship. Hmm? Wait… I guess that may not necessarily apply to C-type arrangements…

I don’t think you did anything wrong at all. Since this is an arrangement through a dating club, whether he’ll use protection and whether you’ll receive your allowance are probably the two things women feel most anxious about. Let’s be glad you didn’t end up with a man who booked a hotel without properly agreeing on the terms, then got upset when you asked about your concerns. Not receiving your allowance and then having him go without protection would have been devastating… I once met someone similar through a club too. Another time, after we’d agreed on an adult relationship and he’d offered an allowance, he said, “I’ve never paid an allowance to anyone I’ve dated before—do you really need that much money?” I was furious inside, but I remembered one of Mac’s famous lines and calmly replied, “Mac says an allowance is like a condom for the heart. Don’t you think nothing is scarier than something that’s free? You can think of it as a pay-per-meeting parting payment.” He said, “Oh, I see! That makes perfect sense. Got it!” and gave me the allowance. Thank you, Mac, for that advice!

I bring up the allowance first thing. - Within the first three messages for a letter date - Within five minutes of starting the date for a dinner date I believe that having the papa (a male supporter) clearly tell the woman about the allowance early on is the most important piece of etiquette in papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), and it’s also the gentlemanly thing to do. I honestly can’t understand people who say things like, “It’s all about money,” or “That would ruin the mood.” If you don’t want to talk about money, I think you should use a dating app instead. Of course, I’m open to other opinions. Also, if you spend money in the right way, a young, beautiful woman may genuinely fall for you.

Men all think differently. Personally, before a man says he’s booked a hotel, I confirm whether he’s open to an adult relationship (intimate) and whether he agrees to the allowance. Since the relationship is based on an allowance, I think the conversation should be centered on that from the start. If you ask whether men don’t want to discuss the allowance, I’d say I actually do want to discuss it. What is a man supposed to do if, after being intimate, the woman says, “I thought the allowance was 100,000 yen each time”? One of Mac-san’s many famous sayings is, “The allowance is a condom for the heart.” I was just having a similar conversation with a staff member, and I believe that nothing is scarier than something being free. I won’t deny that the allowance might disappear later, but I don’t think you can have a good relationship with a man who assumes from the outset that there will be no condom—neither for his heart nor for his penis.

Have I only ever met good ones so far…? Sometimes they’ve offered the allowance upfront, and even when they didn’t mention an amount, they gave me more than I expected before we parted. I don’t check the contents right away, so I’ve sometimes been surprised when I opened the envelope after getting home. I’ve never had any trouble. I’ve also never brought up or asked for a specific allowance myself. Of course, I’ve only met people who were willing to practice safe sex. I really think I’ve just been lucky. Even if it upsets him, I think it’s better to only continue seeing someone when the arrangement feels right to you. I don’t know whether it was about contraception or the allowance, but I wouldn’t want to see someone who gets upset over something like that. Let’s just think of it as lucky that you found out early!!