Has papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) messed up my sense of values? A college friend and her boyfriend (he’s in his first year as a working adult, and she’s a third-year college student) split everything, including the cost of meals and love hotels.
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When I go on dates with my older boyfriend, I take out my wallet for meals, but he pays by card, so he ends up treating me every time. Occasionally, I insist on paying for small purchases at convenience stores—usually under 2,000 yen. However, when we use a love hotel, I don’t take out my wallet...
All my papas, who are in their 40s and 50s, say that when they were students, it was considered normal for men to pay even when dating someone their own age, and that they used to work part-time jobs to cover dating expenses.
Have I been too influenced by the values of my papas? I find it strange that my friend is okay with splitting even the hotel bill.
My friend seems satisfied and happy with that arrangement, so I didn’t say anything. Am I out of touch with young people today?
👤Asked byGuest👩GenderFemale🎂20s👑Universe female member
It’s true that when you do papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), men are always treating you to delicious meals, so I may be starting to lose perspective too.
When it comes to your boyfriend, I think it’s best for both of you to do what works for you. Everyone’s income is different, after all.
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Even when I said I’d at least pay my share, he stubbornly insisted on treating me. He seemed to think it was embarrassing to make a woman take out her wallet.
Even when I occasionally tried to beat him to it and pull out my wallet, he’d just give the money back… It’s a nostalgic story now.
Huh? Why are my eyes watering…
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It’s just a personal preference, but I like women who insist on splitting the bill. The type who refuses to let you pay because you’re not dating yet, she doesn’t want to give you the wrong idea, and she doesn’t want to feel indebted either. Before you start dating, she absolutely won’t let you treat her—no matter what.
It’s like she won’t let you gain even the slightest advantage, forcing you to fight it out on completely equal footing.
Then, once you’re officially dating, the guy pays for everything.
That’s my personal favorite pattern.
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Is that so?
Up until now, I’ve always paid for everything when dining with the women I’m seeing. But when I really think about it, since they’ll be hugging me too, maybe I should start splitting the bill（笑）
They’ll probably get mad and call me cheap!（笑）
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Yeah, that sounds like a bug. You might not be able to go back now.
But on the bright side, you’ve probably managed to save more than anyone your age could, so let’s focus on the fact that the benefits outweighed the drawbacks.
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Yes, there’s quite a big disconnect… once you get into papa-katsu…
But I guess that’s inevitable…
P.S.
> Apparently, he enjoys spending money on me. He even buys me clothes at hotel boutiques and does all sorts of things for me.
> I completely understand wanting to do those kinds of things for someone you love.
Exactly, that’s how it is.
Whenever I go to my longtime girlfriend’s place, she makes a huge amount of food and feeds me every time. Besides the meals, she buys all my favorite things—even things she herself dislikes—bringing out fruit, desserts, juice, ice cream… so much that I think, “There’s no way I can eat all this,” while desperately eating everything she keeps serving me.
Also, when someone is important to you, you start to think of their money almost like your own. So you don’t want them wasting it, and you end up being pretty strict about how they spend it, saying things like, “That’s such a waste.” I don’t mind that, either. Those are the kinds of things someone only says when they genuinely care about you…
She even gives me a little spending money or some souvenirs when I leave—just small things like change, juice, or snacks.
It sounds like you haven’t had that kind of experience yet, have you?
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I never made my girlfriend at the time (now my ex-wife) spend money on me when we were in college either.
But that was back in the Showa era, when it was taken for granted that men earned more than women.
These days, with greater awareness of gender equality, I assumed splitting the bill was the norm.
If you apply what papa-katsu older men say to young men, they’ll end up unable to have normal relationships.
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Do they just want to share their own thoughts?
It used to be normal for men to pay.
These days, splitting the bill is considered normal.
That’s already something people commonly say, so when someone goes out of their way to write it, I’m just left thinking, “Okay…?”
I don’t think either way is a problem. Would the questioner actually be bothered if one of them turned out to be wrong?
Lately, there have been so many posts disguised as questions when the person really just wants to make a statement. It’s getting frustrating.
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It really depends on the situation and the person.
I’d still prefer the man to cover the hotel costs.
I’m totally fine paying for things like dinner or driving us there myself (人´∀`*)
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I’m very much “old-school Showa,” so I consider it a given that I should pay for women, and in a dating club, I feel uncomfortable unless the allowance is clearly above what she asked for.
I naturally feel that an older man should pay for a younger woman, so I can’t really imagine having an adult relationship for a bare-minimum amount—say ¥50,000 or ¥60,000 per meeting. Anything under ¥100,000 starts to feel like sexual exploitation to me.
A lounge hostess I recently started seeing and I initially began as a regular relationship, meaning with no allowance involved. But I felt terribly uncomfortable not providing financial support to a woman more than 20 years younger than me, so I now give her money through a monthly arrangement. She’s told me repeatedly, “I don’t like this—it feels like papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan)!” But I kept asking myself, “Is this just free sex? Is it really okay to do this?” I couldn’t concentrate on intimacy at all, so I have her accept the money.
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