What’s the smoothest time to negotiate the allowance for an adult relationship (intimate)?
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At the interview, I was told to discuss the price when things moved to intimacy, but there are also men who proceed without bringing it up at all.
Occasionally, someone gives me an envelope with a generous amount afterward, but if nothing is said, it’s usually 50,000 yen.
If he hasn’t mentioned anything, which would be better for discussing the allowance: ① when he invites me to a room, or ② after we enter the room?
Once I’m in the room, it would be difficult to say I’m leaving because the terms don’t work for me, so I feel it might be better to bring it up when he invites me, but...
Also, some men say during the letter-dating stage that they’ve already booked a hotel room. From the woman’s perspective, we haven’t even met yet and I don’t know the terms, so it feels extremely frightening. What would be the best way to respond?
👤Asked byGuest👩GenderFemale🎂Not stated👑Universe female member
① I think the smoothest time is when he invites you to his room!
Like the other respondents, I’ve never been the one to bring it up or negotiate it myself.
With dating type B, you usually go on several coffee or dinner dates before being invited to a room, and in most cases the man brought it up during one of those dates. Conversely, there were also men who never brought it up, and with them, things never developed into the kind of mood or relationship where we would become intimate.
Maybe I’m unconsciously sorting people that way.
Unless it’s dating type AB, I feel you probably need to be comfortable enough with conversation to ask about it yourself in order to participate with peace of mind.
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I’ve never negotiated an allowance either…
That said, I think my perspective is a little different from Aya’s and Marika’s. I was worried about whether I’d even receive an offer through Universe in the first place. And when I did get one, I was still anxious that it might be the only invitation I’d ever receive.
When someone asked me about my allowance for the first time, I couldn’t answer for a while. I really struggled before finally saying, in a tiny, timid voice, “I’d like 5…”
I was so worried that I wouldn’t receive anything if I didn’t say a number, but that I’d be disliked if I did.
So, gentlemen, speaking from my heart, if you’re looking for an adult relationship (intimate), I’d really appreciate it if the man would ask, “Would an allowance of ___ work for you?” That way, I can turn it down if I’m not comfortable with it. And if you already have a certain amount in mind, I’d prefer you to say it upfront.
I’m not sure if this really answers the question, but I think it’s best to confirm the terms when you’re invited. I don’t want to regret it after starting an arrangement.
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Basically, when I want to continue seeing a woman, I don’t use the word “allowance,” bring it up, or discuss an amount—except in special cases, such as when she makes a reverse offer.
If I don’t think the relationship will continue, I bring up the allowance upfront so there are no hard feelings later.
In your case, since you’re that concerned about the allowance, I think it would be better to discuss it first. That may help you identify a generous (well-paying) papa, though it may also mean missing out on a good papa.
Ideally, you see how things go, confirm your chemistry and physical compatibility, and only after you’ve both come to appreciate each other can you truly understand one another’s value.
I have no interest in making superficial judgments without knowing what someone is really like.
It’s a dating club, after all—not a “physical intimacy and allowance club.”
P.S.
This part is interesting:
> There’s a term, “good in bed,”
but perhaps a dating club is a place to look for someone who’s “good in bed.”
> If the other person becomes more infatuated with you after being intimate,
> it may be more effective not to say anything at first.
When both people are good at intimacy, they can understand each other more deeply afterward, right? And the communication doesn’t just suddenly stop.
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Is it better to bring up the terms when① he invites me to his place, or② after we get there?
The smoother approach is to confirm the terms when he invites you.
For example, if the man invites you to an adult relationship (intimate) toward the end of dinner, it seems perfectly natural to ask, “What kind of terms did you have in mind?”
That said, as Aya and Marika have written, another option is to say nothing, go along with it, and then simply stop seeing him if the allowance he gives you afterward is too low.
I’ve written this a few times, but men often seem completely unable to understand why they can’t meet a woman again. The truth is, the allowance is often part of the reason.
Apparently, quite a few women besides the respondents use this strategy. I often hear men say things like, “She suddenly stopped replying. I wonder why?”
When someone suggests, “Could it be the allowance?” they say, “That can’t be it—she seemed happy and thanked me, and she looked like she was having fun.”
But even if the allowance is low, it’s normal to act that way until the meeting is over.
So, rather than worrying too much about the allowance for the first meeting, looking for a good man may be an effective approach in some cases.
There probably isn’t one method that works for everyone, so in general, I think it’s better to clearly communicate what you want.
There’s a phrase, “good in bed.” If a man becomes more smitten after being intimate, then saying nothing upfront might be the more effective strategy.
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I’ve only ever stated my terms upfront, so I haven’t had to negotiate—or had anyone negotiate with me—so far. I usually bring up the allowance around the middle of the meal.
Based on your experiences, it seems that people who don’t mention the allowance in advance or book a hotel room during a “letter date” without confirming anything first probably aren’t good people. So, if you’re invited to a room, confirm the terms before going in. And during a letter date, make it clear that the allowance must be discussed and that you won’t know whether it will become an adult relationship until you actually meet.
If that ruins the mood for them, I think you already know how things will turn out.
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I feel exactly the same way as Aya—I almost want to copy and paste her post as is.
Though I’m guessing our allowances are probably about ten times apart… or maybe even more, haha.
Even though we’re more than 20 years apart in age (I mean between Aya and me), we really think alike, don’t we?
Marika
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Generally, I think it’s best to discuss the allowance as early as possible, but I’ve never done so myself.
Many men on dating club platforms dislike interactions that feel too much like the sex industry, so I don’t want to bring up money myself and ruin the atmosphere. If I’m not happy with what I’m given, I simply figure I don’t have to see him again.
That’s just my personal approach, so I can’t recommend it to everyone. But in the end, I was able to date a papa (a male supporter) who treated me well, so I don’t feel it caused any problems.
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I’ve never negotiated the price.
I have discussed the allowance, though.
If he invites you to a room without mentioning the allowance, I think it’s a good idea to ask, “What are your thoughts on the allowance?”
If the conversation turns that way during a letter date, I think it would be good to make it clear: “I haven’t necessarily agreed to start seeing you yet.”
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I think you should ask about the allowance and agree on it before consenting to an adult relationship (intimate). With a few exceptions, I also believe a papa (a male supporter) who refuses to disclose the allowance is more likely not to be a good papa worth continuing with.
In message-based dating, I clearly state the allowance amount within three messages. I only meet in person with women who agree to the allowance.
When we have a first date without any prior messaging, I discuss the allowance within five minutes of meeting, then move on to the dinner date.
A dating club isn’t a dating website or matching app, so I believe it’s only polite to communicate the allowance—the thing women are probably most concerned about—as soon as possible. That’s why I do it this way.
Nothing ever gets awkward, and the mood has never been ruined—not for the woman, and not for me as the papa either.
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