Regarding “When I asked for help, my papa told me he wanted to take a break” from someone about two years younger than me—I’d like to add something to my question.
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Let me add some more details.
The conversation with him went only like this:
“I have a lot going on and would like to talk to you about it.”
“What kind of advice do you need?”
“I’d like to meet in person and talk!”
“Do you need money for an unexpected expense?”
“That’s right, but for now, I’d really like you to hear me out.”
I never actually named an amount.
I genuinely wanted us to continue getting along, but I was honest that I needed some money and told him I wanted him to listen to my concerns.
But then he said, “I’d already been getting tired of papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), so I was thinking of quitting.”
Should I not have asked him for advice in the first place…?
It may sound harsh, but when you’ve only met a few times, you really shouldn’t bring up anything that sounds like you’re asking for money.
Put it this way: if you were a wealthy madam and a teenage mama-katsu guy told you, “I’ve had an unexpected expense come up. Could you help me out?” how would you feel?
Take this as a lesson and keep it in mind for your next arrangement.
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I think the problem was that they weren’t the right person to consult, and perhaps I also went about asking for advice the wrong way. I feel both factors need to be present.
In this case, it was the former, so I don’t think it would have worked no matter how I brought it up in the first place.
I’ve also given an allowance on top of the usual amount on two occasions in the past—not anything substantial, though. They didn’t directly ask me for it; I sensed from our conversations and their usual demeanor that something was different, so I listened, drew out the details, and offered it myself.
I don’t know whether that was the right thing to do, but since more than half of it was for my own satisfaction, I’m happy with how it turned out and don’t regret it.
For the record, I’ve already ended things with both of them.
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You were told by a papa (a male supporter) who may have had women run off after receiving a lump sum, “If anything comes up, feel free to rely on me,” after you’d met a few times.
He may have said that because he felt you didn’t seem overly money-focused.
If we take his words at face value, there shouldn’t be any problem. But when you actually asked him for money, he may have thought, “Oh, is this woman money-minded too?”
I think you both should have thought a little more about what was meant literally versus what was just being polite, and waited until you’d built more of a relationship before bringing up a serious personal problem or asking for extra money.
You may be thinking, “Why would he cut me off when he was the one who said that?” But that’s just how these things work.
Marika
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That’s right. It probably would’ve been better not to say it.
To begin with, the man’s line, “Because I can get away,” was meant as a defensive barrier. The mistake was saying it to a negative thinker who didn’t have the leeway to brush it off.
Also, it’s probably best to avoid communicating through LINE. Relying on someone through LINE before you’ve become close can easily end badly. It’s essentially the same as sending the message, “I only see you as money.” And if you’re receiving an allowance, it could also come across as saying that the allowance isn’t enough.
Papa-katsu is about expressing gratitude to each other, so it would be better to say that you’re grateful you get to see him often and that you’d like to see him again.
P.S.
I wrote all that, but I don’t think the added note was necessary.
That man simply didn’t have the capacity to be relied on—or even to listen to someone opening up to him.
To be relied on…
> That man had never done anything like that before, and he’s not capable of it.
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Ultimately, I think that’s what it came down to.
I don’t think we had yet built the kind of relationship where he felt comfortable relying on me.
Also, I think not being given a specific amount can sometimes feel more burdensome.
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They probably never really expected you to ask them for money.
You say you didn’t name an amount yourself, but you did say that you needed money and wanted them to hear you out. As you said, it sounds like the money was the real priority.
“Something happened, and I’d like you to hear me out” feels like a pretty convenient way of putting it, at least to me. If it were truly urgent enough to need help, shouldn’t you first explain what happened, and only borrow money after the other person offers to lend you a certain amount? That’s how I see it.
I wouldn’t ask my papa (a male supporter) in the first place, though. Since I’m already receiving an allowance, he’d probably think, “You should manage with that.”
By the way, have they not contacted you since then? Could it be that they’ll lend you the money, but from now on there will be no more allowance—and it’s no longer papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan)?
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