How can I repair things after hurting the person I’m engaged to?
They accepted my apology, but they no longer seem emotionally invested in me.
I think their feelings have cooled. Once someone loses interest, is it impossible to fix things? Can we ever go back to how we were?
It seems they caught me spending time with a papa (a male supporter) I was close to, and saw my LINE messages with someone I had a friends-with-benefits relationship with.
I hurt a genuinely kind and serious man who seemed extremely unlikely to cheat.
He’s far too good for someone as promiscuous as me.
The papa was someone I met here, so I thought I’d ask here as well.
What would you do in my situation?
Thank you.
I’m in Seattle.
Marriage is nothing but trouble. I never want to do it again.
You’re much better off staying single for life—it’s way more fun. Don’t get depressed if things end; just look for someone else. Life is more fun when you have a boyfriend. At the same time, you should be looking for more men too.
(3 replies left)
(3 replies left)
💡 This question has no password registered, so the reply feature is unavailable.
If you access from the device/browser used to post the question, you may be able to set a password later.
Maezawa from the President’s Office will answer as well.
> I was seen dating a papa I was close to, and my LINE messages with a friend with benefits were also seen.
I don’t think both things could have been discovered at the same time, so it sounds like you were being far too careless.
> If he’s lost interest in me, is it really over? Can’t things go back to how they were?
Things probably won’t go back to the way they were, but I do think some men will continue a relationship even after finding out about infidelity.
For that to happen, however, you would need to have enough appeal to more than make up for the negative aspects.
Also, I don’t think you’ll be forgiven a second time. So either come up with a way to make absolutely sure you’re never found out again, break up with him while you still can, or cut off all relationships with anyone besides him.
You should think carefully about what you want to do from here.
(3 replies left)
(3 replies left)
💡 This question has no password registered, so the reply feature is unavailable.
If you access from the device/browser used to post the question, you may be able to set a password later.
I’m Dai, a male member.
First of all, you’ve already ended things with your casual partner and quit papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), right?
After that, the only thing you can do is take your time rebuilding trust.
That’s what sincerity means.
(3 replies left)
(3 replies left)
💡 This question has no password registered, so the reply feature is unavailable.
If you access from the device/browser used to post the question, you may be able to set a password later.
I’m Date Yume, a male member.
I don’t think being a papa is the same as cheating, so I don’t see it as a particular problem. But having a friend with benefits was a bit much for me（笑）
What’s done is done, so all you can do is change your outlook and your behavior from here on.
You’re single now, so I think you’re free to do as you please. But once you’re married, if you live properly within those boundaries, I think men will come to understand.
Also, as time passes, the situation could reverse, and your boyfriend might become a club user himself.
Life can take all kinds of turns（笑）
(3 replies left)
(3 replies left)
💡 This question has no password registered, so the reply feature is unavailable.
If you access from the device/browser used to post the question, you may be able to set a password later.
I’m Paper Airplane, a male club member.
I’ve been married more than once, had one engagement fall through, and once turned down someone who clearly wanted me to propose.
Even when you’re madly in love and feel perfectly compatible—so much so that marriage seems like the obvious next step—once you actually start married life, does that happiness drop to about one-fifth or even one-tenth…?
And yet, if you discover something truly shocking before getting married, there’s no way you can go on to build a life together.
The only glimmer of hope is whether, because you met through the club, you can interpret the situation as a blessing—that you were able to learn sooner what you would have found out eventually.
If you’re a male club member, you would have had those concerns to some degree even if you were going to get married. Maybe you can think of it as finding out early and being spared from carrying that unnecessary worry for the rest of your life…
If so, perhaps you might still make it as far as starting your married life.
(3 replies left)
(3 replies left)
💡 This question has no password registered, so the reply feature is unavailable.
If you access from the device/browser used to post the question, you may be able to set a password later.
Why are you so quick to seek affection from him again?
You had not only a papa (a male supporter), but also a friend with benefits.
If he’s a serious, sincere man, he must be devastated. For a while, he probably won’t be able to look you in the eye, let alone be physically intimate with you.
If he’s forgiven you, don’t start asking him for this and that again. He’ll become fed up with you.
I’m worried that you’ll get angry at your fiancé again and say, “Why?!” as if he were the one at fault.
Be grateful that he didn’t leave you.
Akari
(3 replies left)
(3 replies left)
💡 This question has no password registered, so the reply feature is unavailable.
If you access from the device/browser used to post the question, you may be able to set a password later.
I’m Kazu, a male member.
You can’t go back to how things were. Marriage changes a relationship, and so does having children. So I think it’s best to accept that you won’t be able to return to the way things were.
It sounds like she did forgive you, at least to some extent. If so, I think the only thing you can do is rebuild the relationship over the course of several years.
(3 replies left)
(3 replies left)
💡 This question has no password registered, so the reply feature is unavailable.
If you access from the device/browser used to post the question, you may be able to set a password later.
This is Mac, a male member.
Things will never go back to the way they were. It will take at least ten years to heal. Please take that to heart. The other person is carrying far deeper wounds than the questioner can imagine.
You know how, on antique appraisal shows, an appraiser will look at a cracked and repaired plate and say, “What a beautiful piece. The damage doesn’t bother me,” then give it a high valuation? It’s the same idea: there are scars, but even taking them into account, you have to make him feel that you’re still a good wife.
I’ll say it again: it takes at least ten years to heal. I don’t think a man will ever forget it for the rest of his life.
The one consolation is that you weren’t married yet.
Those who are married should be extremely careful about how they conduct themselves.
If you’re married, I suppose all you can do is neither apologize nor come clean, and keep lying it through?
(3 replies left)
(3 replies left)
💡 This question has no password registered, so the reply feature is unavailable.
If you access from the device/browser used to post the question, you may be able to set a password later.
I’m Flag Maker, a columnist.
Women tend to rush the resolution, even when they’re the ones who did something wrong, lol.
I think that’s just one of those things women do.
Guys need time to sort through these feelings, okay?!
Give us a little time, lol.
They did forgive you, right?
Waiting anxiously for their feelings to return may feel like absolute torture, but that’s your punishment.
(3 replies left)
(3 replies left)
💡 This question has no password registered, so the reply feature is unavailable.
If you access from the device/browser used to post the question, you may be able to set a password later.
I’m Shingo Lee (Shingori), a columnist.
There’s a concept called the Johari Window:
1. The part of yourself you know about, but others don’t
2. The part of yourself you know about, and others know about too
3. The part of yourself you don’t know about, but others do
4. The part of yourself that neither you nor others know about
These four parts make up a person. That’s why the you that you see and the you he sees are two different people.
In this case, the “you that you knew but others didn’t”—the you who did papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) and had a friends-with-benefits partner—has become the “you that both you and others know.”
From his perspective, you’re no longer the person he thought you were.
Even if he accepts the truth, you’ll spend the rest of your life feeling more ashamed than if someone had seen you naked from behind. You’ll always feel awkward around each other and never be able to laugh wholeheartedly again.
You should regret what you’ve done and think about marrying someone new.
To be blunt, papa-katsu might be something you could possibly talk your way through, but having a friends-with-benefits partner on top of that is a definite deal-breaker.
Causing that many simultaneous disasters and expecting to be forgiven is simply too much to ask.
(3 replies left)
(3 replies left)
💡 This question has no password registered, so the reply feature is unavailable.
If you access from the device/browser used to post the question, you may be able to set a password later.
