Has anyone ever asked their papa (a male supporter) to get tested for STIs?

A former monthly partner once contacted me to say that her boyfriend had contracted an STI. Neither she nor I had any symptoms, but we both went for testing. More recently, I contracted chlamydia, and I asked another monthly partner to get tested after we met shortly beforehand. Once you’ve built a certain level of trust, it’s easier to bring it up, isn’t it? Perhaps you could get tested first, then ask your papa (a male supporter) to do the same.

This sounds like a very sensible question from someone who is properly taking care of herself. Personally, I don’t think asking someone to get tested for STIs is rude or overly serious. If anything, it’s a natural thing to want when you hope to continue seeing someone comfortably and with peace of mind. When bringing it up, I think it’s best to frame it not as “because I suspect you,” but rather: “I value our relationship and want us both to feel comfortable.” For example: “I’m thinking of getting tested myself. We’d both feel more at ease meeting if we did it, so would you like to get tested together?” That wording is less likely to sound accusatory. Also, as you mentioned, STIs have incubation periods, so getting tested just once won’t provide complete reassurance. It may be practical and mature to suggest: “I’d feel safer if we could get tested together about once a month, rather than just one time.” As for the cost, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask the papa (male supporter) to cover it. This isn’t about a power dynamic—it’s part of managing the risks, and it shouldn’t be something only the woman has to worry about. You could also put it a little more gently by saying, “Please think of it as paying for my peace of mind.” From a man’s perspective, I think many people would find it easier to accept being told, “I care about you, so I’d like us to get tested together,” rather than, “I want you to get tested because you might be positive.” In fact, some people will willingly get tested when it’s presented that way. Whether you can have this conversation openly, and how he responds to your request, can also be one way to gauge his sincerity. Please don’t hesitate to protect your own physical and emotional well-being. More than anything, it’s important that this is a relationship you can continue with peace of mind.

If he doesn’t say he’ll accept it from a man, I think it’s fine for you to tell him. Ideally, a man should be going on his own at least once every two months. Try flattering him by saying something like, “I want to continue making you the one person I care about most,” and get him to go.

I get tested regularly, and I tell the women I see about it, so none of them have ever asked me to get tested. Sometimes a woman will ask me whether she should get tested too. In the past, I’ve been contacted by three women who told me they had tested positive. In one case, I hadn’t been tested since seeing her, so I told her, “I’ll go get tested right away. Thanks for letting me know,” and went to get tested. In the other two cases, I had been tested after seeing them and the results were negative, so I replied, “I tested negative, but thank you for letting me know.” Putting that aside, getting tested just once is basically pointless. It’s important to get tested regularly. Also, you said that treating it after you catch something would be difficult, but testing doesn’t prevent anything. It only tells you whether you have an infection at the time of testing. Condoms and vaccines are what help prevent infections. If you really want a man to get tested, you could bring it up by saying something like, “A female friend told me she caught an STI, and now I’m scared of them.” Then suggest that you both get tested once a month and show each other the results. Men will probably be more willing to do it if you use a mail-in testing kit, since it isn’t much trouble. You can buy them on Amazon and elsewhere. It’s easy for men to provide a sample, but it’s more difficult for women. So while a mail-in test may be fine for men, you should have a doctor collect your sample to get more accurate results. I personally don’t like how long mail-in testing takes, so I go to a doctor who can provide the results the same day or the next day.

No woman has ever asked me to get tested, but I get tested voluntarily. I’ve seen news reports about syphilis spreading, and it’s always better to be safe than sorry.