Do men who talk about “keeping someone on the back burner” like this forget that they can’t see women without giving them money?
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I really don’t understand why they would keep seeing a woman they’d be fine with losing, instead of cutting things off right away—even though they have to pay her.
I understand keeping a casual sex partner on the side, but what does it feel like to keep someone on the side in papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan)?
I’m Fuu, a column writer.
From a woman’s perspective, it definitely comes across as offensive. The choice of words is poor—you wouldn’t want to be called someone’s “backup,” would you?
It feels just as unpleasant for the person being labeled as when women refer to papas as “generous” or “low-paying.” But we’re all human. Both men and women inevitably end up having their priorities.
In my case, I’ve never forgotten that I wouldn’t be able to date these women without providing financial support. If I focus on just one person, I start getting fixated on her, feeling jealous, and experiencing emotions I don’t like in myself. I see multiple people so I can maintain relationships in a gentlemanly and smooth manner.
When you’re seeing multiple people, priorities naturally develop. You end up with someone you choose to see first, followed by someone else you prioritize next.
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I’m Aya, a female member.
I think the reason people keep several women around is that, without offering money, they can’t maintain a relationship with them. If one sex worker happens to be off, you can immediately go see another favorite, right? I think it’s a similar kind of feeling. Personally, I’m not very fond of calling it “keeping people on the back burner.”
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I don’t think he’s forgotten.
Precisely because he knows he could be cut off at any time, he probably has someone else “on hold.”
Women often ask similar questions, too. Those who feel financially uneasy relying on just one papa (a male supporter), since they never know when things might end, sometimes keep other papas as backups.
Marika
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I’m a male member—and a loser.
I openly acknowledge that I’m basically an ATM, so I fully understand that women are willing to meet someone like me, a short, bald, overweight, unattractive old man, because I give them a generous allowance.
I’ll deliberately call them “keeps.”
The reason I keep several women around is that I’m not good at ending things.
Ideally, I’d only see my favorites, but you can’t know whether someone will become a favorite until you spend time with her. I’m no psychic.
At first, they’re all “keeps.”
I see how things go with them as keeps, and eventually find my favorites among them. But I don’t have the nerve to cut people off right away, so I leave them in the status of being a “keep.”
It’s not that I’m actively trying to keep them around—I’m doing it passively.
Actually, I’m curious about what kind of mindset the other male respondents have when they end things with women.
They may sound like gentlemen in their answers, yet be unbelievably ruthless when cutting someone off. You never really know what goes on behind the scenes.
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I’m Basil, a male member.
For example, if there’s a girl who usually isn’t interested in meeting, but will come when I call because someone else has canceled at the last minute, someone with plenty of free time and a flexible schedule like that is fairly valuable.
I don’t actively try to keep her around, but I’d hate to lose contact completely.
Of course, I fully understand that a relationship without money isn’t possible.
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
I don’t think she’s forgotten. She’s probably just getting a little carried away. That happens sometimes.
I’ve been in a similar situation myself—continuing to pay an allowance even though I had no intention of continuing the arrangement. I figured the woman would be caught off guard if I ended things abruptly, so there were a few times when I kept giving her an allowance for several months to half a year after telling her I wanted to break things off.
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