I’m a male member in my 40s. This is about letter dates.
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It honestly surprised me that I’d never considered the perspective that letter dates don’t really benefit women.
In my case, dates that had been arranged for me in the past were sometimes canceled at the last minute—including, unbelievably, no-shows on the day—so I started using letter dates because I thought that building even a slight rapport beforehand through email or LINE might reduce things like that.
But when someone pointed out that this is based entirely on my perspective, I realized they were right, and that it might not be how women see it.
My question is: I’d appreciate some advice, especially from the women here, on whether the way I’ve been unilaterally assuming letter dates are normally conducted is actually inappropriate, or whether it places too much of a burden on the woman.
- Apply for a letter date through the club.
- The woman contacts me.
- We start with greetings along the lines of “Hello~” and arrange the date that same day. (Usually around 5–10 exchanges.)
- We don’t contact each other again in particular, but just in case, I send a reminder around the day before, something like, “Looking forward to tomorrow~”
- On the day, once we meet, I first give her transportation expenses (¥10,000 in my case), and then we start the date.
- After that, we proceed as usual.
I’m Kazu, a male member.
That’s generally how it works, but what I often hear from women is that they don’t understand why the man made the offer through a letter date. In other words, rather than simply using a letter date to save on the setup fee, I think it’s better to briefly explain your reason for making the offer that way.
I don’t make letter-date offers to women who live nearby, so I explain right away: “I haven’t decided when I’ll be coming to your area yet, so I made the offer through a letter date because I wanted to ask about your availability.”
In your case, I think it would be best to clearly explain that you want to establish at least a loose connection beforehand so you can avoid last-minute cancellations or being stood up.
When a woman feels that a man made the offer through a letter date just to reduce the setup fee, she apparently wants him to offer her some benefit as well—for example, telling her in advance what he has planned for the date.
I often hear women say, rather harshly, that even with a regular offer, if your attitude is “we’ll decide where to go after we meet,” then you shouldn’t be making an offer as though even putting in that minimal effort is too much.
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I’m Paper Airplane, a male member.
That’s more or less how it works, but in that case, neither side really benefits.
It would only reduce the staff’s workload while cutting revenue far too much…
I think it would be fine to ask about the date after two or three exchanges—or even ask and settle on the date first.
After that, it’s important to follow the woman’s pace, respond to what she sends, and give her enough information to make her own judgment.
The key is to make the conversation exciting enough that she looks forward to finding out what kind of date the man will plan. If he genuinely wants to give her a date she’ll enjoy, that hospitality will come through clearly precisely because it’s in writing. On the other hand, any pushiness that makes it seem like he’s only after physical intimacy will also come across very obviously.
One advantage of a letter date is that you can communicate things that may not become clear even after meeting through a regular introduction. For women, it’s easier to judge whether a man is worth meeting—or not worth meeting at all—than with a standard introduction. Conversely, that gives good men an advantage.
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I’m a male member and one of the less successful guys.
No one asked, but I’ll answer anyway.
I stopped using letter dates because I can’t use LINE for various reasons, but the most important thing is presenting the allowance amount upfront, right?
- Men want an intimate relationship with women.
- Women want an allowance.
We shouldn’t look away from that, so I tell them the allowance amount I have in mind right away. If they reply that they’d like to meet after seeing the amount, I invite them to a dinner date.
If the allowance doesn’t meet her expectations, meeting would just be a waste of time for both of us. And the male member would also be wasting money on the meal.
As an aside, if a woman cancels at the last minute on a regular date—not a letter date—the male member doesn’t lose the setup fee, since the points are refunded. So I question the idea that letter dates are better because last-minute cancellations are unpleasant.
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I’m Ayase Nana ♡
I don’t have any good memories of Letter Date.
From a woman’s perspective, does it feel pretty much the same as meeting someone through an app?
If a man acts condescending or comes on too strong during Letter Date, there’s a good chance she’ll cut things off midway through the LINE exchange.
Also, most people don’t offer any allowance during Letter Date. If there are only a few messages—around ten exchanges, like in your case—I can understand not paying an allowance. But honestly, if a single comment is long enough to fill an entire message slot, I feel they should pay an allowance.
Some people even suddenly try to call for free on LINE, and that’s definitely not okay.
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