I finally received my first offer and went out for a meal. There, the man kept asking questions that could reveal my identity, such as, “Which university do you attend?” “What’s your major?” and “Where else do you work part-time?” When I gently deflected by saying, “I’d rather not talk too much about my private life,” he snorted and said, “A papa (a male supporter) is supposed to support a girl’s lifestyle, you know? Haven’t you gotten the wrong idea?”
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Am I wrong to act in a way that keeps my identity from being revealed?
I usually give vague, noncommittal answers at first, then gradually open up more as we get closer.
That said, this man was being way too pushy from the very beginning.
Even if my partner hands me a business card, I only share a general description of what I do and the general area where I work or live.
This time, both the man and the woman could have phrased things better. When you’re meeting someone for the first time, you just need to be a little more considerate of each other in conversation.
Marika
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I’m Fuu, a columnist.
To avoid revealing your identity, don’t give specific names or details.
You can say things like “a university along the ○○ Line” or “a university around △△ in Tokyo.” For your major, it’s fine to mention it unless it’s particularly unusual. If it has a distinctive name, just substitute a more general major. For your part-time job, say something broad like “I work at a café” or “a convenience store.”
Specific details like your address, university name, or workplace should be off-limits, but you can still talk about other things skillfully. If you refuse to say anything at all, you may run out of conversation topics.
If your papa (a male supporter) asks for specific details, tell him, “I can’t share private information.” If he keeps pressing, it’s best to end things.
If you’re wondering whether your papa is misunderstanding something, actually, he’s the one who’s mistaken.
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Maezawa from the CEO’s office here, and I’ll answer too.
He’s simply making a huge mistake in his assumptions.
If he’s saying, “A papa is supposed to support the girl’s living expenses, right?” then I’d like to ask whether he really intends to support her lifestyle. I’d press him on it—really press him for about an hour.
If by “supporting her lifestyle” he means merely helping her get by in poverty, then he’s mistaken. I feel that ¥500,000 a month is about the bare minimum a woman should receive.
Of course, men like that are probably the ones who offer low allowances. They tend to think they’re the most important and that they’re always right, which is probably why they get these ideas so wrong.
> Is it wrong to act in a way that prevents people from finding out my identity?
It isn’t wrong at all, so I think you should keep doing what you’re doing.
That said, men like feeling as though they’re being treated as special. So, as long as it doesn’t reveal your identity, you could casually share a little personal information that you wouldn’t tell anyone else. They’ll be delighted.
Obviously, not from the very first meeting—but after meeting three times, for example, you could say, “I trust you, so I’ll tell you this just between us.” That can make them fall for you instantly. (笑)
Although maybe I’m the only one who falls for that so easily. Still, I’m sure the other male members are probably the same. (笑)
You just need to handle this part skillfully.
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This is in Seattle.
To start with, I’d prefer male members to speak politely, even if they’re older. And scoffing is completely out of the question.
Were you trying to find conversation starters by asking about university, major, and part-time work? Did you offer any topics yourself? A woman who keeps everything secret and just sits there silently is boring.
When someone says, “I’d rather not talk about my private life,” it makes it seem like all they want is the evening and the money. I’m not looking for a deep relationship, and I’m fine with something similar to a hostess club—but since I generally want to stay on good terms for at least six months, that feels lonely.
At the very least, I think it would be more enjoyable if she talked about the general field of her major or what kind of work she does.
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
He’s simply misunderstanding the situation. It was your first meeting, and he hasn’t supported you yet, right?
I don’t think asking which school you attend is appropriate, but it should be fine to keep things vague and mention your field of study or the industry you work part-time in as conversation topics.
Of course, you should take care not to reveal your identity. On the other hand, if you keep your guard up forever, you’ll be seen as a boring dating partner and the relationship will end—or, if the sex is good, you’ll be treated like a hotel escort.
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I’m Flag Maker, a column writer.
In that case, I’d say, “I could tell you things that might reveal my identity, but are you prepared to support me?”
That said, if someone starts prying right away, it’s perfectly fine to calmly lie in response. That’s what trustworthiness is all about, isn’t it? Just make up some university and part-time job and give them those.
I think it’s only fair to lie to people you don’t trust much. After all, it wouldn’t be right to treat them the same as someone highly trustworthy.
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