There’s a man who isn’t from a dating club but always gives me ¥20,000 as pocket money. We haven’t even known each other for a month, but I’ve received ¥150,000 in total. We’re both in our 20s, so neither of us thinks of this as papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan). Unlike papa-katsu, I don’t feel uncomfortable with him and can treat him almost like a boyfriend. I don’t know how he feels, but I have no complaints. However, yesterday he said, “I lost ¥10 million gambling today and I’m broke, so come see me for ¥10,000.” I don’t understand why he’d lower it by just ¥10,000. If he really had no money but still wanted to see me, he’d say he wanted to see me even without giving me pocket money, and I would have been happier to hear that. So I told him, “Men get bored with women who are too cheap, so I don’t like that.” Then he said, “I’ll give you the usual amount, so come.” Even ¥20,000 is quite low by papa-katsu standards, but I was okay with it because it was him. I do have a papa (a male supporter) who gives me ¥100,000 per meeting, but being with him makes me feel so fulfilled that I’d rather see him. If he told me he wanted to keep seeing me even if he couldn’t give me pocket money, I think I would still go see him.
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A man may be seeing me because he can be with me cheaply, but as long as I feel fulfilled, I don’t really mind.
But I don’t understand why he tried to lower ¥20,000 to ¥10,000… He sometimes hints that he wants to see me without giving me pocket money—as a man and woman genuinely interested in each other—and every time I give him a vague answer. Since I often act as though money is important in front of him, I think he assumes I won’t see him if he has no money.
In the end, he gave me ¥20,000 when we met this time, and his attitude hasn’t changed.
People with money don’t really see a difference between ¥20,000 and ¥10,000, right?
What kind of change in feelings makes a man try to lower the allowance?
This is Ayase Nana ♡
“Gambling” is just an excuse (a lie).
¥20,000… seriously? Is this some kind of brothel?
Aren’t you worried he sees you as a woman he can get with for cheap?
Why not test once whether he truly cares about you?
I hope you meet someone you genuinely click with—body and soul—on Universe.
Don’t sell yourself short, okay?
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I’m Date◎Yume, a male member.
In this case, I think it was simply because she happened to have less cash on hand than usual.
For me, any reduction in the allowance depends entirely on how I weigh things against continuing with me.
At dating clubs, it seems that the usual approach is to part ways (or switch partners) without reducing the allowance. As I’ve written in my columns, though, since I first joined a dating club, I’ve focused on continuing the relationship rather than ending things whenever possible.
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I’m Dai, a male member.
He sounds like a man with a tendency to lie.
Anyone who can lose 10 million yen gambling is either extremely wealthy or reckless enough to gamble until he ruins himself.
If he’s truly wealthy, an allowance of 20,000 yen is about what he’d pay a delivery escort, so I doubt he’d be that stingy.
If he can gamble until he destroys his own life, dating him would almost certainly leave you facing financial hardship in the future.
No matter how you look at it, I recommend staying away.
When a man tries to lower the allowance, assume that he simply doesn’t have much money to spend.
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I’m Shingo Lee (Shingori), a column writer.
I think if your values don’t align, you should just walk away.
Saying, “I’m seeing you for less than the going rate” is a feeling only you can understand, just as “I spent 10 million yen on his gambling” is a feeling he may not understand.
It seems childish to impose your own values on him unilaterally.
There are probably only a few forms of gambling where someone can casually bet 10 million yen in a single day—but you don’t really understand what he’s doing, do you?
It sounds like a sad relationship with no mutual understanding.
Also, people who move around large sums of money may have completely different values when it comes to everyday expenses. Even if they invest hundreds of millions of yen in their business, they may still feel that a 1,000-yen lunch is a little overpriced.
You’ll probably find it easier to understand wealthy people if you avoid thinking, “If you have that much money, give me some too.”
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I’m Paper Airplane, a male club member.
Outside the club and papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), ¥20,000–¥30,000 is actually quite a substantial amount. It’s roughly equivalent to ¥50,000–¥100,000 in a club setting.
Once I start getting bored, unlike with papa-katsu, even ¥20,000–¥30,000 begins to feel like too much, so I may ask them to lower it by around ¥10,000. (In my case, I lower the allowance or give bonuses so the arrangement will last longer, but even then, it’s not nearly half of what club women receive.)
I assume the other man simply got bored after a month. If he meets a woman he clicks with, regardless of whether her allowance is high or low, they may continue seeing each other occasionally rather than cutting things off completely.
> For someone with money, ¥20,000 and ¥10,000 are basically the same, aren’t they?
As far as the amount given in a relationship like the one described by the questioner, ¥20,000, ¥10,000, and even zero are all the same.
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I’m Aya, a female member.
If someone can afford to gamble ¥10 million, then ¥10,000 or ¥20,000 probably doesn’t make much difference to them. Compared with the size of their bankroll, saving ¥10,000 wouldn’t really change anything.
So if he’s trying to lower the allowance, I’d take it to mean that he genuinely wants to see her without paying from now on. But his communication skills are so poor, and he seems to expect her to read between the lines way too much, that I’d personally lose interest…
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I’m Osaka, a male member.
Even if someone is wealthy, I don’t think there’s really any meaningful difference between 20,000 and 10,000 yen—the prices and perceived value don’t seem out of line.
That said, when it comes to the allowance in papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), not many people go out of their way to negotiate it down. If it’s 50,000 yen, it’s 50,000; if it’s 100,000 yen, you either agree to it or you don’t. I wouldn’t negotiate to lower it by 10,000 yen.
As for the questioner’s fellow twenty-something, he seems to be doing his best to scrape together even 20,000 yen. Young men in their twenties generally can’t spend that freely on an ordinary income. His lies are so obviously lies that you could almost call them cute.
I suppose the question is whether the relationship between the questioner and him is like the feeling of going to a sex-service establishment.
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This is Seattle.
If the gambling is real, you’re better off just continuing to see him for the 20,000 yen and not marrying him. A man who’s that careless with money will probably go bankrupt someday.
If gambling was just an excuse, he’s giving you 20,000 yen to look cool, but he really doesn’t have that much money. He’s still careless with money, so if possible, you should try to negotiate it down.
There are probably about five women he’s paying 20,000 yen to see. He likely considers you his favorite—the number one or number two.
Men may not realize that, deep down, a woman can actually feel more fulfilled by receiving nothing at all. Since he won’t know unless you tell him, you need to decide whether to clearly ask him to be your boyfriend without money involved, or keep your number-one position as things are if he’s reluctant to part with the 20,000 yen.
The reason he’s trying to lower the allowance is because he doesn’t want to spend the money. I think he’s giving you money as compensation for cheating with other women.
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