I was raised in a poor family with parents who had only graduated from high school, but as their only daughter, I somehow managed to attend a cram school and get into a highly selective university. I’m living on my own now, but I’m back home for summer break. Every time I return home, my father repeatedly says, “Even though we only graduated from high school and were poor, we worked hard and paid for your cram school fees, and now that you’re a university student, you’ve become all stylish. If you can afford to spend money going out, you should be contributing to the household.” That’s why I deliberately dress plainly whenever I go back home.
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My parents aren’t paying for my university tuition—I’m covering all of it with student loans—so I don’t think I deserve to be spoken to that way. What do you think?
Until I graduated from high school, they constantly told me, “We were poor and couldn’t go to university, so we want our only daughter to attend a good university and get a good job.” I didn’t choose any of that; my parents decided that I should attend cram school, constantly pressured me about practice exams and school grades, wouldn’t allow me to dress up or have hobbies, didn’t even buy me a smartphone until my third year of high school, gave me no allowance, and completely banned me from stopping anywhere on the way home from school. Every single day was nothing but studying—it was practically educational abuse.
The reason I started papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) after moving out to attend university was that I had never been allowed to have fun or given any spending money. I wanted to be free, enjoy myself, and have money I could use however I wanted.
In the end, I got into a university with a high entrance score, so my parents’ wish should have been fulfilled. But now they’re intensely jealous that I’ve become more highly educated and more successful than they are, and it’s painful.
Does having poor parents who are extremely invested in their child’s education inevitably lead to this? Or is my family abnormal?
I’ll answer as Maezawa from the CEO’s office as well.
> “You’ve really started dressing up since entering university. If you have money to spend on going out, you should be contributing it to the household,” my father tells me repeatedly.
He isn’t saying you should contribute money to the household unconditionally, so it seems fairly normal to me.
You’re only being told that because it looks like you’re spending money on having fun. I think all you need to do is make it look like you’re studying extremely seriously.
> I’m struggling because their jealousy is so intense.
I don’t think it’s jealousy. If they say those things even when you haven’t said anything, then it’s probably you bragging.
Alternatively, perhaps you bring up your academic background yourself, and they’re simply responding to it.
> My family was like educational abuse, with them telling me to study, study, study every single day.
Thanks to that, you’re now attending a university with a high偏差値, aren’t you? I don’t think that’s the same as abuse.
> Or is my family abnormal?
I don’t think it’s possible to judge that at this stage.
You may not know whether they were abnormal until 30 years from now, when your own child is around university age.
How you treat your child, and what your child ultimately becomes as a result—then you’ll be able to compare yourself with your own parents and finally determine whether they were abnormal.
For now, even if your views don’t align with your parents’, it may help to think that this is simply because you’re living in different times.
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I’m Dai, a male member.
Raising a child costs money in all sorts of ways beyond tuition. Your prep-school fees were covered too, weren’t they?
Before criticizing your parents, I think you should start by being grateful.
Even if you get into a highly ranked university, thinking this way could come back to haunt you during your job search.
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You didn’t receive any help at all with tuition or living expenses?
Even so, isn’t who you are today thanks to your parents, who made it possible for you to attend university despite the sacrifices they had to make?
“Intellectual wealth is important.
I can’t leave you anything luxurious, but you yourselves are wonderful assets. What you’ve learned and the richness of your hearts are priceless—and no one can ever take those things away from you.”
That’s what my mother told me as I was growing up. I have nothing but gratitude.
Akari
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I’m Kamihikōki, a male member.
If you keep making excuses, nothing will change. Learn from your parents’ mistakes and break free from the spiral of excuses.
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I’m Date◎Yume, a male member.
Since you grew up through high school in a family environment similar to mine, I somehow feel a connection with you. We were both on scholarships, but there’s quite a difference in our academic backgrounds. I graduated from a high school that didn’t have particularly high entrance standards（笑）
Anyway,
> “It’s so painful because my parents are intensely jealous that I might become better educated and more successful than they are.
> Is this what happens when parents are poor but overly invested in raising their children? Or is my family abnormal?”
My parents weren’t jealous at all. In that sense, I suppose they were unusual. They only graduated from elementary school, but they seemed genuinely happy to watch their son grow up in an environment different from their own.
I spent my life trying somehow to escape poverty, and before I knew it, I’d become a papa-katsu old man（笑）
When you go home occasionally, I think it would be nice to bring back a little gift and say, “I’m able to attend university thanks to you, Mom and Dad.”
I don’t think any parent fails to be happy seeing their daughter grow.
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
As Seattle-san said in their answer, parents are only human too. They may feel a little bitter seeing their child become more polished and sophisticated. I think you can just let them say what they want—and if it gets too annoying, you don’t have to visit home.
That said, the fact that they say, “We only graduated from high school and worked hard despite being poor to pay for your prep school,” shows that they keep track of what they’ve paid for, which is actually fairly reasonable.
You may not understand it now, but education is something to be grateful for. Being pushed so hard through high school may have been tough, but I think it’s only fair to show your parents a reasonable amount of gratitude for investing in your education.
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What was your own choice in all this?
The fact is, your parents did pay for you to attend a prep school. Were you forced to go to prep school and take the university entrance exams because of your parents’ wishes, even though there was something else you wanted to do?
I think parents who provide their children with an education are wonderful—especially compared with giving them spending money only when they happen to have it in a poor household. That’s because, afterward, you’ll be able to earn money for yourself.
They wanted a daughter who remained serious about her studies, as she had been in high school, not one who went off to the city and started acting frivolously.
How does that mean they’re jealous of their daughter’s high level of education?
Marika
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I’m in Seattle.
I can imagine families like that exist. Let’s cut those lousy parents off. Until you turn 20, it’s fine to play along and pretend you’re poor.
Parents are just people too—they’re not that important. If you send them too much money, they’ll get used to it, so it’s better to send only the minimum, or nothing at all. Once you’re over 20, if you get into a fight, stop sending money and cut ties.
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