My divorced papa (male supporter) who only does dinner dates asked me, “Couldn’t we have a relationship that isn’t about money? Even if we started out as regular dinner friends.”
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I’d be happy if he bought me things I want instead of giving me an allowance, but…
How should I explain this to him?
He might tell me to look for someone who offers an allowance, but I’m in my mid-30s, so I want to cherish someone who likes me.
I’m in Seattle.
I can only assume the guy is trying to save 10,000 yen.
If he won’t give you the 10,000 yen, I don’t think you need to see him anymore. Or maybe you should tell him to marry you.
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I’m Dai, a male member.
What kind of thing do you mean by a “gift”?
If you’re hoping for an expensive item, such as a designer-brand product, that’s basically just asking for your allowance in another form—and it doesn’t align with how men generally think.
No matter how you suggest it, he may be disappointed, and in the worst case, the relationship could end.
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I’m “Paper Airplane,” a male member.
He’ll probably give you gifts, but I doubt they’ll be anything like the allowance you have in mind.
There are women from the club who go on dates or even to hotels without receiving an allowance, but that’s because they didn’t meet through the club.
If they had met through the club, she absolutely couldn’t ask something like what you wrote in your question. It’s also highly unlikely they would have developed the same kind of natural relationship.
And in a papa-katsu-type relationship arranged through a club, the better the relationship is—good enough that you might think the allowance doesn’t really matter—the less you can bring it up.
That’s because the allowance is also a barometer of how much you’re valued. When both people feel that it doesn’t matter whether money is exchanged or not, it naturally becomes, “I’ll give you something anyway, just as a gesture of my feelings.”
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I’m Flag Maker, a column writer.
No, that’s not it. He doesn’t mean presents or anything like that—he wants to be ordinary friends.
So make it clear that you’re not considering seeing him without an allowance. Or, agree to no allowance for now, then start saying things like, “I want this” or “I’d like that,” and see whether he can take the hint.
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I’m Maezawa from the CEO’s office, and I’ll answer this too.
If you’re willing to accept becoming “something other than a relationship based on money,” then I think you should realize that saying, “If you buy me the things I want,” would be contradictory.
So I think you need to decide whether to continue the financial arrangement or end that kind of relationship completely and become friends.
You could always ask, “Would you buy me the things I want instead of giving me an allowance?” since there’s nothing to lose.
But whether it works out or not will probably depend on your relationship so far and how much the other person likes you.
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
I’m guessing that by “a relationship that isn’t about money,” he means a relationship where he doesn’t give you gifts or other things either.
What he’s looking for is a relationship where you can simply be dinner companions, but he doesn’t give you cash or gifts—in other words, a typical romantic relationship without an allowance.
So from his perspective, asking him to buy you something and saying you won’t see him unless he gives you an allowance probably amount to the same thing.
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