Recently, I received and accepted two invitations for letter dating.
With the first man, we exchanged a few messages a day to get to know each other better, and then arranged a date to meet. However, with the second man, right after exchanging greetings, he immediately asked when I could meet, and the place he suggested was a hotel.
I selected Dating Type C, so I’m not opposed to becoming intimate on the first day. But having someone suddenly suggest a hotel without discussing the terms of the arrangement or even proposing a first meeting over tea feels worse than using an app.
Are there a lot of people like this in letter dating?
I’d be fine with someone like the first man, but if there are many people like the second man, I’m considering opting out of letter dating altogether.
Also, if I decide to decline meeting this person, should I notify the club about it?
I’d appreciate hearing from anyone with experience in letter dating.
It doesn’t sound like they were suggesting meeting for tea or drinks in a hotel lounge—or having a meal at a restaurant.
Since you can reply to a message in your pajamas, without makeup, with messy hair, yawning while eating chips, without having to meet someone who’s a “go straight to the room” type of person to avoid, at least the damage is minimal. You can always say no if you’re not interested.
If you’re Type C and put a lot of effort into getting ready for a date, only to meet the same man, you’d probably feel like you’d gone to all that trouble for nothing.
Wouldn’t it make more sense to increase your chances of getting offers if half of them seem promising?
Of course, if you’re busy with regular dates, it’s perfectly fine to turn down message-based dating.
Marika
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Maezawa from the President’s Office here, answering as well.
> Being asked to go straight to a hotel feels even worse than using an app.
You’re absolutely right.
However, if you’re familiar with apps, you could simply deal with this man as though he were someone you met through one.
But then there wouldn’t be much point in registering with a dating club, so I think it’s perfectly fine to turn him down.
> If there are a lot of men like the second one, I’m considering banning letter dating altogether.
I don’t know whether they’re actually common, but it does seem that a fair number of men say they can’t meet through letter dating. So I suspect there are a certain number of men doing similar things.
It’s difficult to judge based on just these two cases, but I’d say there may be roughly a 50% chance of something similar happening.
I understand that even seeing this kind of behavior can be upsetting. However, there are also men like the other one who follow the proper process, so it would be a shame to miss out on those opportunities.
With that in mind, rather than banning letter dating altogether, I think it would be fine to reply to overly impulsive men, “I don’t think it would be possible for us to meet,” and then block them.
That said, if you feel this is taking too much of a toll on your mental health, then please do ban letter dating. There’s no need to force yourself.
> If I decide to turn down meeting this man, should I say something to the club?
Normally, there’s no need to tell them. However, the man may complain to the club and speak badly about you.
So I think it would be helpful to include something like:
“I had to turn him down because he suddenly suggested meeting at a hotel. I’m sorry.”
That way, the staff will understand that the man’s approach was inappropriate.
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I’m in Seattle.
Why not just reply, “Could we meet at a café near the hotel?” You could even add, “What are your terms?”
I think that’s better than someone who keeps asking for your LINE contact forever without offering anything. If he turns out to be weird, you can always decline after meeting him.
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I’m Ayase Nana♡
I’ve done letter dating about three times, I think.
In my case, I chatted quite a bit before meeting in person. LINE gives you a great chance to learn more about the other person, so try asking all kinds of questions.
He suddenly suggested going to a hotel? What an impatient guy. Try messaging, “Please tell me more about yourself first.” If you don’t like what you hear, just cut him off.
If you ask him more questions, there might be some reason behind it.
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I’m Paper Airplane, a male member.
> Are there a lot of people like this doing letter dating?
I’m not sure whether there are many, but I imagine there are a certain number of them in the club.
With letter dating, people end up laying their feelings bare in writing, which makes it easy for the woman to cut the man off without ever meeting him. That’s one of its advantages.
I think it’s fine either way whether you tell the club staff.
After all, no staff member is going to take seriously what a man says when he couldn’t even manage to meet someone through letter dating. And if a male member did tell them, he’d only be humiliating himself.
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I’m Taro, a male member.
I know it would be easier to simply jump to conclusions, but since you’ve received an offer, I think it’s worth exploring the possibilities.
Even male members of a dating club can be very different, and with a letter date, the communication window is much narrower than when meeting in person, so misunderstandings are bound to happen. Since no allowance is involved until you actually meet, there may also be a tendency to want to move things along to that stage quickly.
There’s no real downside to just exchanging messages, so if something concerns you, why not ask about it freely? If the other person takes offense, then you can simply leave it at that. Doing this in person can create an awkward sense of pressure, but when they’re not right in front of you, it’s easier to relax, isn’t it?
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with discussing when you can meet fairly quickly. That said, suggesting a hotel right away—unless he intended to have a meal there—does seem like he was rushing things a bit.
If you’re not interested, I think it’s perfectly fine to decline meeting him. You could also write in your letter-date feedback, “He asked to meet at a hotel right away, so I declined.”
As for whether there are a lot of men like that, perhaps you could accept a few more letter-date offers before deciding.
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It’s me.
Please make sure to tell the club!
Rather than emphasizing that you “turned him down,” make it clear that he suddenly指定 a hotel.
I don’t think speaking up will put you at any disadvantage. On the contrary, if you don’t give the club feedback, more women may end up feeling just as uncomfortable as you did.
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