I’m Flag Maker, a column writer.
Don’t you think people won’t change unless you make them feel at least somewhat uncomfortable?
When it comes to men above a certain age, I don’t think anyone else can change their behavior unless they keep lecturing them harshly until they’re completely worn down—or literally beat them to a pulp.
I’m the kind of person who’d be happy to keep going for hours, so I might be a good match for your papa (a male supporter).
It’s not about whether he’s popular or not—it’s simply a matter of sexual preferences, isn’t it?
Since it comes down to personal preference, telling him how you feel may not change anything. There’s no point in either of you forcing yourselves to put up with it.
You’d be better off finding someone who’s a better match.
Marika
I’m Paper Airplane, a male member.
After 20 or 30 minutes, the mood just keeps dying down until you’re completely cold, right? The pain starts to feel worse too, and you find yourself getting angry: “For crying out loud, when are you actually going to finish, you idiot?” You start thinking about other things, and even though you just want to take a quick shower and go home, all you can think is, “How long are you planning to keep this up?” and “I passed my limit ages ago.”
I don’t think that man realizes that, with the right atmosphere, many women can climax from clitoral stimulation in five or ten minutes. More than that, he probably can’t tell at all whether his partner is actually enjoying it. Since he seems inexperienced with relationships, unless you tell him very firmly that something is unpleasant, he probably won’t understand.
Long sessions might make sense with a newlywed-level romantic partner, but this man seems to be treating it like a long session with a soapland worker. He isn’t considering the woman’s feelings at all. The other person is simply providing a service as part of her job, while you’re left with nothing but endurance and pain. It’s a completely different situation—and you’re the one being seriously harmed.
You probably need to say things very clearly, such as:
“It hurts when it goes on too long, so stop. I absolutely need you to stop.”
Or:
“Fifteen or twenty minutes would be ideal. Then we might be able to finish together. Anything longer is genuinely just painful.”
“If you start with penetration, it feels good enough that I might be able to finish with you after about three minutes. But once it goes past five minutes, it’s nothing but painful. I can’t take it, so I absolutely need you to stop.”
Unless you say something that strong, I doubt he’ll understand anything.
Alternatively, you could say:
“It’s okay if things take a little longer, but penetration is only okay for the final three minutes. I absolutely don’t want it to go beyond that—I’ll end up hating you, so please, seriously, stop. If you can do that, you can take your time with affection beforehand if you want.”
Then you could simply lie there and let him touch you. You could act if you wanted, think about another man or something completely unrelated, or even half fall asleep. Of course, if he does anything painful, say “That hurts” immediately.
Something along those lines, I suppose.
But based on my experience so far, he seems unable—or rather, uninterested—in noticing a woman’s reactions and feelings, so I don’t think he’s going to change.
It’s not that he couldn’t do it. He’s simply never made the effort to be considerate, and it never even occurred to him that it was necessary.
I’m Aya, a female member.
A male scout once told me that people who spend more than an hour or two “playing” are often unpopular. Apparently, they tend to be overly fixated on women’s bodies. On the other hand, popular men are supposedly more matter-of-fact about sex and don’t drag it out so much… But setting that aside, I think you’re simply incompatible with that papa (a male supporter). It sounds painful.
I think you should politely turn him down by saying, “My body’s started to hurt.” It’s not a lie, and if he still keeps going, you can safely label him a person to avoid.
I’m in Seattle.
“It hurts, and this is hard. I like you, but I don’t want to end up hating you after being together for a long time.” Of course, say it with teary eyes while looking up at him.
Then hurry up and find a backup papa, and dump that unreasonable guy.
