My name is Shingo Lee (Shingori).
I understand how you feel—painfully well. I was hardly popular until I turned 28, and I was pretty hopeless when it came to romance too. When you’ve never been in a relationship, the loneliness of feeling like nobody needs you can become almost overwhelming, can’t it?
I hope you can have a successful first romantic experience soon. Just like learning to ride a bicycle, I think romance gradually gets easier once you’ve had one successful experience.
You seem like a very serious, humble person who may also have a tendency to become dependent on others. I’m sorry if I’ve misunderstood.
① >>In the past, I slept with a man I liked before confessing my feelings, and afterward he started treating me coldly.
I can understand how you feel. If you’re both caught up in the moment and become intimate, only for him to suddenly turn cold, you naturally think, “Then what was that sex just now!?” You probably also felt as if everything about you up to that point had been rejected.
However, things like this do happen in romance. Imagine getting all dressed up and excited for a date, only for the other person to show up in casual clothes and then suddenly say, “Actually, I’m going home,” and leave. That would be shocking too.
Or imagine thinking you were mutually interested, confessing your feelings, and being told, “Sorry, I only thought of you as a friend, so I don’t think I can date you.” That would hurt as well.
You were hit by the double blow of heartbreak and his cold attitude. I don’t think sex itself was the problem.
If anything, women tend to attract attention as sexual prospects more easily. It would be a shame to let this make you withdraw. Sex itself can be a wonderful thing, so please don’t develop a negative attitude toward it.
② What’s the difference between me and those men and women? I want to meet someone I like many times, even dozens of times, just like ordinary people do.
I think there are two key points.
First, you probably have a tendency to become dependent on others. That comes through in what you wrote above. Men tend to run from women who feel “too intense” even before they’re officially dating.
Many wonderful love stories feature a prince who loves the heroine and comes to save her, but that’s fantasy. For women, romantic love stories are much like adult videos for men. Just as sex with a man who has been warped by adult videos can be painful, romance with a woman who has been warped by love stories can also become painful.
Real-life romance isn’t like a drama. It’s an extension of everyday life. And just because someone is your partner doesn’t mean they can accept every single thing about you. If they tried, they would eventually become overwhelmed.
Because you’re probably a serious person, you may not be able to confide your worries in your friends—in other words, you may be someone who can’t rely on anyone. I think it would help to start relying on people and practice “distributing your dependence” among several people. That way, the men you meet are less likely to see you as overly intense.
The second point is that the beginning of a relationship should be relatively light and easygoing.
“Serious romance” and “cautious romance” aren’t the same thing. Being overly cautious only holds you back.
Of course, you shouldn’t pursue a relationship that goes against your own sense of right and wrong. But whether you’ve just met someone or don’t know them very well yet, it’s better to practice having a fun time with someone of the opposite sex you genuinely like.
Romance is about two people of the opposite sex enjoying time together one-on-one. It isn’t about having sex or creating the labels of “boyfriend” and “girlfriend.”
No matter who you are, you can’t reach the point of becoming an official couple unless you’re able to share enjoyable experiences together.
Whether you have sex before dating or not, I believe a relationship can develop as long as you’re able to share fun times.
And if you happen to disagree and can’t become a couple, it’s also better to have the lightness to simply accept it and move on.
This ended up getting rather long...
I couldn’t help projecting my former self onto you.
I’m sure you’ll be able to have a happy relationship. Even though receiving an offer here should have helped boost your self-esteem, you still seem remarkably humble.
It’s my belief that humble people can become happy once they learn the right approach.
I hope a wonderful romance finds you.
Ayase Nana♡
An adult relationship isn’t the end goal.
And as for you, questioner—you were simply used. He didn’t even like you; he saw you as nothing more than an outlet.
Please value yourself more.
On Universe papa-katsu, at least the men are making offers because they’re genuinely interested in you. If you’re both comfortable with an adult relationship from the first day, that’s fine—but enjoy life, receive lots of offers, and fall in love along the way. If you get an offer and your schedules work, go on as many dates as you can♡
I’m sure you’ll meet someone wonderful.
I’m Maezawa from the President’s Office, and I’ll answer as well.
> Please assume she’s a real person.
I’m not quite sure why you say “assume,” but answering on the premise that this isn’t a hypothetical situation:
If she’s receiving offers through a dating club, I think what matters is whether she’s been able to continue seeing the men afterward.
If things have continued, I don’t think there’s anything to worry about. It seems unlikely that it was just a one-time fluke.
However, if she can’t continue seeing the men from the dating club either, then I feel there may be some underlying issue.
I’m in Seattle.
I didn’t have a girlfriend until I was 24 either, so don’t worry—you’ll be fine.
During sex, if you’re embarrassed and just freeze up silently without moving, people call that being a “starfish,” and it’s really boring—you won’t want to do it a second time. So don’t hold back; let yourself show how you feel.
If you’re honest about having no romantic experience and meet a guy who’s willing to take things seriously and build the relationship with you one step at a time, you might be able to overcome that insecurity. At the beginning, even if you have to fake it, the key is to smile, look like you’re having fun, and keep the conversation upbeat.
I was writing this assuming you meant a boyfriend around your age, but it also applies to keeping a cash-cow papa around for the long term.
I’m Kazu, a male member.
I think saying that sex is the goal is something aimed at men who are emotionally immature. Just sleeping with someone once barely means you’ve reached the starting line—if that.
You said that after sleeping with the man you liked before confessing your feelings, he started treating you coldly. I think that was probably due to a combination of factors: perhaps he was emotionally immature, or your proactive approach raised his expectations, but once he actually slept with you, he found it boring.
You’ve never even had a boyfriend, yet you’re talking about “making approaches” as if you know all about romance. I think that attitude is misguided. A woman’s approach should be like fishing. Drop a baited hook near your target, watch him carefully, and wait for him to take the bait. Worry about making approaches only after you’ve learned how to hook a man and then make him obsessed with you through your bedroom skills and personality. If you can’t do that, you’ll never escape being just a means for a man to satisfy his urges with a quick one-off encounter.
