I've been seeing a woman long-distance once or twice a month for five years. She apparently doesn't have a boyfriend right now, but I've started wondering whether continuing to see me might be getting in the way of her love life. I want her to be happy, but even though I feel that way, I think it would be incredibly painful not to be able to see her anymore. I've started thinking about this more as she approaches 30.
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What is the ultimate goal of being in a relationship through a dating club? I understand that I'm supposed to continue supporting her properly, but is it really okay to just keep seeing each other until she tells me she has a boyfriend or is getting married? Or would it be better to end things before she turns 30? I'd appreciate advice from people who have been in long-term arrangements, as well as from dating club staff.
I’m Aya, a female member.
I think it’s disrespectful to make a big deal out of the fact that she’s 30. Her age and whether she continues papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) are for her to decide—not something for you to interfere with. Honestly, it seems like you’re the one who’s most constrained by all this.
I want children, so if I have a child with my current boyfriend, I plan to marry him and give birth. At that point, I’ll probably say goodbye to my papas as well. Age is a factor, but I want to end things when the timing feels right for me. Until then, I’ll cherish my papas as much as I can.
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Yokoyama from the staff will answer as well.
That’s a difficult question, since the goal of a dating club arrangement varies. Some people quit once they’ve saved up a certain amount, while others leave after finding a romantic partner.
As for whether they have a partner, some women may be upfront about it, while others may choose to keep it hidden.
I think it’s perfectly fine to continue seeing each other as long as you don’t place any burden on her. The fact that you’re thinking this carefully about the relationship should make her feel happy and appreciated as well.
I hope you’ll continue to maintain the good relationship you have.
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When the time comes, you’ll naturally go your separate ways.
And even if that doesn’t happen, it’s because that’s what she wants.
Apparently, when a 70-year-old man became ill and could no longer have sex, he ended things and gave his girlfriend, who was in her late 40s, ¥100 million. He said it was because she had devoted her best years to him without getting married.
Anyway, if you only see each other once a month, I don’t think you need to feel that responsible. She’s probably free to find another papa or boyfriend if she wants.
I think you should just enjoy your monthly dates casually.
As an aside, why does being 30 matter? These days, not many people think they have to get married just because they’re 30. I think a lot of people get married in their mid-to-late 30s.
Though, of course, that does contribute to the declining birth rate.
Marika
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Maezawa from the executive office here.
You’re not controlling her, and she’s choosing to see you after giving it some thought, so I don’t think you need to worry about it that much.
If she gets a boyfriend, she may start seeing him instead. Or maybe she already has one.
She may continue seeing you even after getting married, or the two of you may part ways at that point.
I’m sure she has given all of this plenty of thought as well.
That said, if you’ve started feeling guilty about it, I think the cash gift that Mac suggested could be a good idea.
Of course, if you don’t explain it properly, she might mistake it for money to end things and feel hurt. You could say something like, “Since we may suddenly part ways someday, I’m just giving this to you in advance,” or “Please think of me as holding this for you until that time.”
Some kind of explanation may be necessary, but I think it could ease your guilt.
Partings tend to happen naturally, so until then, make the most of your time together and see her without regrets.
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I’m in Seattle.
I also have a 30-year-old woman I’ve been seeing for seven years. I tell her, “Choose whatever path you want for yourself.” She’s not interested in marriage and apparently wants to stay single and live a modest, independent life. She’ll make her own decision.
I’m close with my 19-year-old daughter because I give her ¥100,000 every time I see her. There’s no point taking money to the grave, so I have to spend it somehow—it’s basically a living inheritance.
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I’m Saito, a columnist ♪
On the 29th of the months when she isn’t meeting you, she’s probably got something else on her mind, so there’s absolutely no need to worry.
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I’m だて◎ゆめ, a male member.
This is also my first long-term relationship with a woman other than my wife, so I honestly don’t know how to end things with a woman I met through a dating club—especially with such a large age gap between us.
Naturally, I assume we’ll part ways when neither of us needs the other anymore, but… I have no idea when that will be.
That said, I vaguely feel that it might be okay to say goodbye once she’s in a position to support herself.
I check on her current living situation from time to time, but right now she seems to be barely getting by. So I feel she needs to take home a little more income first. For now, I’m continuing the relationship while keeping an eye on changes in her circumstances, including her work situation.
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I’m Flag Maker, a column writer.
I’ve never had a long-term relationship, and it’s not something I’ve ever worried about. The women I date are attractive, so they’re generally popular, and they’re good people on the inside too, so they all get married pretty quickly. Those are the only kinds of women I go for. Because I’m a “placeholder.” I want to occupy the role of filling someone else’s gap. I’m generally not interested in being the main guy or being her only partner.
That said, marriage isn’t the finish line for a woman. From a “placeholder” perspective, the real contest begins after she gets married.
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I’m Paper Airplane, a male member.
The fact that your partner has continued her activities at the club for such a long time suggests that she’s a very sensible and grounded woman.
So I don’t think there’s any reason for you to worry.
I see no problem with taking her words at face value and simply enjoying your happiness.
Women are generally more calculating and savvy than men. While they need the money, they can behave very skillfully, and once they no longer need it, they can probably cut ties without a second thought.
P.S. My high school-aged daughter, who usually calls me annoying, has started saying, “I like Papa because he gives me money.” Meanwhile, my college-aged son has no interest in money and barely talks to me…
P.P.S. Mac,
I think your actions that convey a special sense of consideration are getting through to her. Most people couldn’t go that far, so it really is wonderful.
What makes women even more savvy is that they value things beyond money as well.
The fact that Mac can spend that much money freely is a wonderful and meaningful quality—something most people can’t do. Even so, women also have a calculating side: if they feel that an amount is easy for Mac to provide, they may assume it’s not a particularly significant sum to him, and value it no more than an ordinary person would value 100,000 or 1,000,000 yen.
Their interest may not be money itself, but money is still important. They are keenly sensitive to special gestures and to things people normally wouldn’t do. I believe this is what comes across as Mac’s strength and generosity as a man.
Men want to keep pursuing—and remain captivated by—women’s delicate sensitivity and the savvy that comes with it.
> So, once again, what exactly is the goal of a dating club arrangement?
Whether it’s within the club or outside it,
perhaps it’s to become one of the people someone thinks, “I’m glad I met this person in my life.”
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