How should I turn down a request to go without protection?
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About 30% of the men I meet ask to go without protection.
They all bring it up right before penetration, so I panic and end up refusing rather forcefully, saying, “Stop! Use protection!”
Most men accept that and use protection, but some older men disappear and never contact me again.
If they want to go without protection, they should at least say so when discussing the allowance terms. But the older men who use the sneaky tactic of asking at the last minute, even though they know it’s a long shot, seem to have less money, poor hygiene, and lower manners.
The men who use protection properly and get tested for STIs before asking to go without protection, putting me at ease, seem more gentlemanly, financially comfortable, and willing to spend money on the women they meet.
So I’m thinking of sticking with my firm way of refusing, partly as a way to ward off the weird older men. However, I know being too forceful could hurt their feelings, so if anyone has a better way to turn them down, I’d appreciate your advice.
Ladies, what kind of wording do you use to avoid going without protection?
I’m a BB7 male member.
You can simply say, “Please use a condom.”
Some older guys will get offended no matter what you say after you turn them down, while others will understand.
Any guy who gets hurt or angry over that is nothing more than that kind of man.
You’re better off just ignoring him.
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I’m Tetsu, a male member.
If you don’t want to have sex without a condom, you have every right to clearly refuse. If he forces you anyway, that constitutes sexual assault. Since he’s trying to hurt you, you don’t need to worry about his feelings. You should refuse with all your might.
A lot of men don’t seem to understand that, in the course of this club activity, giving in to their desires could make them lose the social status they’ve built up over the years in an instant.
If he still forces himself on you, report him to the club first. If possible, it would be even better to record the incident on your phone. If you’re forced, make sure to preserve evidence.
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I’m Aya, a female member.
I think it’s fine as long as you ask gently, in a slightly coy way, once you’re in the room and the atmosphere feels right.
It’s true that the more gentlemanly men tend to tell you beforehand what they’re hoping for. So it’s probably fair to assume that things wouldn’t have worked out from the start with someone who made you feel you had to firmly refuse.
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Teramoto from the Tokyo branch of Universe Club here.
As most people have said, I think the most important thing is to let him know in advance.
It’s important to ask directly, and I also think appealing to his sympathy can be quite effective.
For example: “I was once almost forced to do it without a condom, and afterward I was so terrified that I might be pregnant that I was bedridden for several weeks…” and so on.
If a man still tries to do it without a condom after you’ve told him something like that, firmly refuse him. I believe it’s unavoidable if his feelings get hurt. I trust that there are no men like that at our club, though…
That said, I do understand that men may want to do it without a condom, which is why I think it’s important to communicate your boundaries beforehand.
If you refuse at the last minute, I don’t think it will necessarily hurt his feelings, but it may hurt his pride. I suspect that could be why some men stop contacting you afterward.
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Maezawa from Shacho-shitsu here.
When you say “all the women,” it can make it difficult for anyone who isn’t a woman to answer. But since you mentioned staff and male members among the people you’d like to hear from, I assume it’s okay, right?
> Sometimes speaking too firmly can hurt the other person.
If he says it right before penetration, I think you have no choice but to be firm, and I don’t think any man would actually be hurt by that.
If anything, he’d just be disappointed—not hurt.
> If there are any other good ways to refuse, please let me know.
As soon as you enter the room, before taking off your clothes, you could gently say:
“I’d really like you to use a condom every time.”
At that point, the man will probably either leave if that doesn’t work for him, use a condom, or try to talk you into it somehow.
But if you clearly refuse, I think that should be enough.
It seems like the best timing is right after entering the room, since it gives him the option of leaving right away.
The man may wish you had told him before entering the room. But a man who uses a condom without being asked might wonder, “Why are we talking about that before we’ve even entered the room?”
So I think it’s better to bring it up inside the room.
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
Some women say, “Please use a condom,” when negotiating their allowance. I can’t help wondering if they’re used to this, but more than that, I feel sorry that so many men must be asking to go without protection.
If someone only brings it up right before penetration, I think you should firmly refuse, without worrying about whether you might hurt his feelings.
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