I’ve heard that you shouldn’t sleep with someone before you start dating, and that men have a hard time making a move on a woman they’re serious about. Whenever I meet a man who pressures me to have sex before we’re officially together, I can’t help thinking, “To him, I’m just a fling…”

I’m Date◎Yume, a male member. Haha 😄 It’s just an excuse because he only wants to hook up, you know（笑） You can come up with as many excuses as you like...

Maezawa from the CEO’s office here. This is a pretty difficult question, but these days, women are often the ones who have the upper hand. Even if a man wants to see a woman again after they’ve slept together, she can still be the one to turn him down. The idea that “you shouldn’t sleep with someone before you’re officially dating” actually feels like an outdated way of thinking—something from a time when men held the upper hand. If you go back a little further, it becomes, “You shouldn’t sleep with someone before marriage.” Actually, that may be the original idea. Was there really ever a rule that you shouldn’t sleep with someone before you started dating? I only ask because it seems more common for a relationship to begin around the same time as a physical relationship. Maybe this was a world where you couldn’t start dating unless someone explicitly said, “Please go out with me”? It seems like even a simple exchange such as: “I like you.” “I like you too.” could be enough to start a relationship, followed naturally by A → B → C (not the “dating type”—A meaning a kiss, and so on). When men have the upper hand, this is where stories come up about women being discarded after sleeping with someone. The term “herbivore men” became popular some time ago, but since then—or perhaps even earlier—we’ve entered an era where women can take the lead. If you can take the initiative, I don’t think you’ll need to worry about things like that. You should simply do it when you feel ready. Even then, things won’t always work out. But that’s just how life is. Spending your whole life with one person is difficult, but you can look at it from a different angle. There’s also the idea of dating various people and choosing the one who suits you best. It may be worthwhile to think carefully about what’s best for you and put those ideas into practice.

I’m Flag Maker, a columnist. In club activities, you have to try something once before deciding anything. How can you think about continuing when you haven’t even done it yet? lol There are so many things I want to check—whether we’re compatible, how wet she gets, and so on! I took my kid to the park this morning, gave them a bath, and then left the house. Today is my second date with Woman B. I’m off to evaluate the merchandise! I’ll decide after we’ve tried it! **Edit 1** Oops, you meant a private relationship? lol That depends on the person, but I’m the type to follow the proper steps. Drinks → karaoke and kissing → love hotel. Though I guess that’s not exactly the proper order either lol **Edit 2** Date over. It was a “decide whether to continue” kind of meeting.

I’m Papahikōki, a male member. You mean meeting someone outside the club through ordinary dating, right? When you meet someone that way: > Every time I meet a man who pressures me to become intimate before we’re officially dating, I think, “To him, I’m just a casual fling…” Yes, that’s exactly right. If I’m not interested in dating her, I’ll go to a hotel that same day. Usually, that’s the only time we meet. If I am interested in dating her, there’s no need to rush to a hotel, so I take my time and wait for the right moment. More than that, I’m focused on how she feels. I wonder whether she’d be comfortable going to a hotel, and I’m more concerned with making her like me even more. As a result, I try to treat her well so we can maintain a better relationship, which means we may not go to a hotel for quite some time. Also, when you really like someone, physical compatibility isn’t something you worry about. With the club, it isn’t a natural meeting or love, so the order is reversed—we start with compatibility.

I’m Aya, a female member. I think it depends on where you meet him. If you meet through a dating app and sleep with him before you’re officially together, there’s a good chance he’s just playing you. But even if you don’t sleep with him, you might still feel uncomfortable if he says, “We’re together now, so let’s go to a hotel,” the moment you start dating. If he’s a classmate, coworker, or someone introduced by a trusted friend, you’ll have mutual connections, so it may be less likely that he’ll simply disappear, whatever the outcome. That said, there’s always a possibility he could still run away. I think becoming intimate with a man carries some risk for a woman, at least to some extent. So in the end, it’s up to you to decide whether you’d be okay becoming intimate with him even if you didn’t end up dating, or whether you’d only be comfortable with it if you were in a relationship. If you start dating and it doesn’t work out, you can always break up. Whatever happens, you should clearly stand up for what you want. The decision is yours.

I’m Kazu, a male member. > Men often have a hard time making a move on women they’re serious about. Why do you think men hesitate to make a move on women they genuinely care about? I think it’s because they’re afraid of being rejected and getting hurt. If a man were living with HIV, I could understand the idea of not having sex because he wants to protect someone he cares about. But in general, I don’t really understand the logic of not having sex because you care about someone. So I think men who hesitate to make a move are simply letting their fear get the better of them. I used to do the same thing when I was younger. Even when I stayed the night with a woman, I would sometimes just go to sleep without having sex. What happened as a result? Some women assumed that I didn’t see them as someone I wanted to have sex with, and our relationship afterward became awkward. With others, I ended up being called into a sort of three-way confrontation, where one woman’s female friend berated me for not responding to her friend’s readiness. I learned that if you don’t become intimate at the right moment, relationships between men and women can become awkward. Feelings can’t be conveyed perfectly through words or behavior. Allowing yourself to become intimate with someone is a clear expression of intent—a milestone. When that milestone occurs in a relationship has nothing to do with how you feel. I think it’s simply a question of whether you’re being timid. By the way, I think this way of thinking applies to relationships through dating clubs as well—but this is the dating club Q&A section, after all.