I feel comfortable in the world of papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan). I wondered why, and of course money may be part of it, but I realized it’s because “papas don’t bring up other people.”
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The reason is that I get really hurt when my friends bring up and praise people who aren’t there—people other than me.
For example, these are conversations that have actually happened:
“I have this friend who graduated from medical school and is really beautiful. She’s so glamorous and sparkly—I really look up to her.”
“There was someone I met at an event the other day who was really cute.” ← This was said by a man.
When I hear comments like these from friends—especially compliments about someone’s appearance, such as “beautiful” or “cute”—I end up thinking, “Oh, they’re basically telling me that, unlike those people, I’m ugly,” and it really stays with me… I even find myself thinking, “Then why don’t you spend time with that cute girl instead of me?”
That doesn’t happen here. Of course, they may be comparing me to someone else in their minds, but the fact that they don’t say it out loud is important to me. I can talk without feeling stressed.
I’ve heard that “feeling as though you’re being insulted when the person you’re talking to praises someone else” is a psychological tendency unique to women.
Why don’t my friends, unlike all these papas, look me in the eye and tell me I’m “beautiful” or “cute,” but instead bring up and praise someone whose face and name I don’t even know? Are they enjoying watching me get hurt? Is it some kind of deliberate dig?
I’m sorry, but I wanted to ask the respondents here. I’d appreciate your thoughts.
I’m in Seattle.
My Type A friends might talk a lot about other people. Sorry, sorry.
As for my ongoing arrangements that are Type B or higher, I’ll honestly answer anything if I’m asked. I wonder if that’s a problem too.
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I’m Taro, a male member.
People are interesting, so I think everyone talks about this kind of thing once they’ve gotten close. If anything, it’s usually gossiping or talking behind someone’s back, followed by compliments. When someone brings up topics like this in casual conversation, it’s because they feel comfortable with you and want to find common ground. That means you’re not the one being judged—you’re the one doing the judging. So I think the way Marika-san described handling it at the beginning is the right approach.
That said, some people may say things in a power-harassment sort of way, comparing you to others. And, to begin with, there’s the question of whether it’s appropriate to talk about other women while you’re meeting with a woman.
I think the person asking this question may have somewhat low self-esteem. So it would be better to spend more time around people who praise you. Foreigners tend to compliment people a lot, while culturally, many Japanese people aren’t very vocal with praise. But people like that do exist, so keep looking patiently. If you can find your own personal Shuzo Matsuoka, I’m sure you’ll have beaten the game.
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Maybe my brain is wired like a guy’s, but if someone brought up a topic like that, I’d probably join in, saying things like, “Let me see—do you have a picture? Wow, she really is beautiful!” or, “Huh? Isn’t she pretty ordinary? So that’s your type? LOL”
The person asking is probably just a friend to him—someone who happened to be there and whom he could talk to about whatever was on his mind.
You’re being overly self-conscious.
It would be a different story if your boyfriend had said it to you. Either he has some annoying expectation that you should get jealous, or he’s lost interest in you.
If he has no intention of hitting on you, why would he blurt out whether you’re cute or beautiful? That’s the strange part.
Don’t act like a child throwing a tantrum because you’re not being treated as the center of attention. Just take it as a normal conversation.
Though if he’s an idiot who does nothing but criticize women, I’d stop associating with him even as a friend.
Your relationship with your papa (a male supporter) probably feels good because, while you’re together, he makes you the center of attention and dotes on you.
Marika
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I’m Aya, a female member.
For people to gossip about others together, they generally need to belong to somewhat similar communities. Since your papa and you are part of completely different communities, it may simply be that you never come up in his conversations. You might not even have any gossip in common.
I think you’ll be fine once you start talking with people outside your immediate circle. After I started working, I met all kinds of people and realized that there are plenty of people my age who don’t gossip. There are lots of decent people out there, so I don’t think you need to worry.
Also, you may have low self-esteem. As you gain confidence through your work, you may start thinking, “Is there anything I can learn from this?” even when someone else is being praised.
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I’ll answer too—Maezawa from the CEO’s office.
I didn’t realize people actually compliment other women in front of a woman they’re with.
I might be doing it myself without realizing it, so I’ll be more careful.
As for why he does it…
Maybe it’s because he treats you like a friend? Since you’re friends, other women naturally come up in conversation.
If he were interested in you, I don’t think he’d bring up topics like that.
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