I usually go out to eat first and then have an adult relationship at his place, but now he’s asked me to go straight to his apartment.

Question

We’re supposed to meet at his apartment at lunchtime, and he says he’ll order delivery for food. I haven’t asked why he wants delivery this time—asking feels like a hassle. It made me feel completely put off. I thought, “Isn’t this basically a delivery service now? He’s always offered such a low allowance, tried to save on the hotel by using his place, and now he’s even trying to skimp on the meal.” I’m sure I wouldn’t feel that way if he were someone I genuinely liked as a person and had good chemistry with. Besides, I don’t think a man I could genuinely like would be the type to try to keep things cheap from the start.... Our arrangement is tomorrow, but I don’t want to see him and am considering canceling at the last minute. He’s always trying to make himself seem more impressive than he is, and the more we talk, the shallower the conversation feels. It’s exhausting pretending to be less intelligent to match him. I also have ongoing arrangements with several wonderful men whose allowances are far more generous than his. But I have a savings goal and student loans to repay, so honestly, giving him up would be a significant financial loss. Should I just treat it as a transactional relationship, put up with it, and meet him? I’m sorry if this question made anyone feel uncomfortable. I would really appreciate your advice.

Answer 1

I’m in Seattle. Let’s not cancel at the last minute. For next time, try negotiating for a higher allowance. If he won’t agree, stop seeing him after that.

Answer 2

I’m Aya, a female member. I understand how you feel, but if you’re treating it as something you do for the money, then I think it’s best to approach it professionally, as a job. Be attentive while you’re there, but once the job is over, don’t give the other person another thought—just do the work that matches what you’re being paid. That said, even when it’s work, you have the right to drop clients you don’t like. So please do your best without pushing yourself to the point of exhaustion.

Answer 3

I’m a male member, Paper Airplane. Since that’s the kind of relationship you have, you can simply continue it if you both need to. You’re treating it a bit too much like a business arrangement. Time is precious to both of you, as is money. I hope you’ll both make the most of each day.

Answer 4

I’m Kazu, a male member. “Isn’t that basically just an escort service now? He’s always offering a low allowance and cutting corners on hotel costs by having you come to his place, and now he’s even trying to skimp on the cost of meals?” Isn’t that just speculation? That said, “If he were a man you were compatible with and genuinely liked as a person, you probably wouldn’t feel that way.” I think that’s true. As for the answer, no one else can know that. If the situation makes you uncomfortable, I think you simply shouldn’t see him. On the other hand, if you’re willing to keep seeing someone you’re uncomfortable with because you need the money, then you’ll probably continue meeting him. Why do people sometimes post questions asking others to make decisions for them when they’re clearly conflicted? Your life belongs to you.

I usually go out to eat first and then have an adult relationship at his place, but now he’s asked me to go straight to his apartment.

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I usually go out to eat first and then have an adult relationship at his place, but now he’s asked me to go straight to his apartment.

4 answers

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