I previously saw that life advice questions were welcome, so I’m posting this. I’m sorry this isn’t directly related to papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan). I really like the advice from the people who answer here, so I wanted to ask anyway. I apologize for the poorly written post, but I’d sincerely appreciate your advice.
This content is machine-translated.
I’d like to know whether it’s possible to go back to being friends with my ex-boyfriend, and what would happen if we did.
We were each other’s first boyfriend and girlfriend. We had been close friends for a long time before dating for about a year and a half. Around that time, I became seriously ill, and even after we started dating, we never had sex. Even when we tried, I couldn’t.
It’s been about three years since we broke up, but he still messages me. The reason we broke up was that I got my dream job, which meant we would be living very far apart. I also felt guilty that we couldn’t have sex, and I felt bad asking him to follow me. So I listed all the things I disliked about him and told him I hated him, then ended the relationship.
He had said that he wanted to start a family while he was still young, move to his hometown, get married, and have children. I thought I would be taking that dream away from him. I also felt that I couldn’t give him that kind of life and wanted him to meet someone more suited to being a homemaker and a mother.
I don’t regret my decision in the slightest, but I still feel like replying whenever he messages me. I’ve continued ignoring him because I want him to forget me and move on.
I’m now in a deep relationship with someone I met through this club. But the difficulties and loneliness in my everyday life still aren’t being filled, and I feel myself losing the resolve not to reply to my ex’s messages.
I can’t help thinking, “Even after all these years, he still hasn’t dated anyone else and still loves me.”
1. Continue not contacting him and ignoring him as I have been, then block his phone number so his messages can’t reach me anymore (I’ve already blocked him on LINE).
2. Meet him and tell him everything about what has happened while we haven’t been in contact, including that I’m doing papa-katsu and am in a deep relationship with someone. (I think his image of me would change completely.)
3. Contact him without telling him anything personal and try to become friends again.
What would you do?
He is 25 now.
Thank you in advance.
I’m Tetsu, a male member.
You seem to be a very compassionate person, and it sounds like this situation is weighing on you.
Based on your question, I think option 1—cutting off contact—is the best choice. The fact that you didn’t mention a single good thing about your ex suggests that your feelings for him have already faded. I think your compassion is making you hesitate even though your heart has moved on.
Wanting to go back to being friends reflects your feelings, but your ex may want to return to the relationship you had before. If that’s the case, it’s clear that his feelings would only become a burden for you.
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I’ll answer too—Maezawa from the president’s office.
Over these three years, he’s probably had various experiences as well. Maybe he tried dating other women but things didn’t work out.
You’ve also experienced many things over the past three years.
After going through all that, meeting him again might make him seem different from before.
Having experienced a relationship with a papa (a male supporter), you might even find your old boyfriend unreliable.
On the other hand, you might end up liking him more than you did before.
But I don’t think you’ll know unless you meet him.
You don’t know what will happen, but while it’s perfectly fine to leave things as a good memory, I think it would be better to meet him and see what reality is like.
In that case, I’d suggest:
3. Contact him without talking about your personal circumstances and try to become friends again.
Then, meet him and see how things go.
(I don’t think you need to mention your papa (a male supporter). There’s nothing to be gained from it.)
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I’m Flag Maker, a column writer.
I think women can go back to being friends.
Men think they can get back together.
That’s the basic distinction.
Whether you can go back to being friends depends on the man’s attitude.
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I’m Aya, a female member.
I think option 1 or 3 would be best. With option 1, nothing would change from how things have been, and there wouldn’t be any risk, right?
But if you want to take some kind of action, I think option 3 could be worth trying to see how he responds. If he genuinely cares about you, that would be wonderful—and if you manage to go back to being friends, that would also be a good outcome.
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I’m Hikōki, a male member.
If he keeps sending messages unilaterally even when you don’t reply, he’s a potential stalker.
So my answer is 1.
A decent guy would leave a considerable gap between messages—long enough for you to have a chance to respond.
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
As for whether you can become friends with an ex, sometimes you can. However, that requires both people to have no desire to get back together. From the question, it sounds like the man is still hung up on her, so unfortunately, I don’t think friendship is realistic in your case.
What happens when people become friends again with an ex varies from person to person. But if you truly return to being friends, I think you simply become ordinary friends. If you previously had a physical relationship and can maintain a mutually detached relationship, perhaps you could be friends who can even have sexual conversations.
I think it comes down to either option 1 or 3, but I’m a selfish person, so I’d choose 3. Hearing how you two broke up, though, option 1 seems like the better fit for your situation.
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