Sex is often so clumsy—or maybe just careless and painful—that it’s becoming really hard for me. They’re wonderful people now, so is it because they weren’t popular when they were younger and never learned any technique? Or is it because they see me as a kind of pretend romantic partner, and think that as long as they feel good, they don’t need to make me feel good too?

Since there are many people who have fulfilling arrangements, I suspect the latter may be the case with me. Because I don’t feel any pleasure, even when I have a good first impression of someone, most people gradually start to feel like they’re just doing a job every time we’re intimate. I can’t bring myself to say things like “Do more of this” or “That hurts,” because I feel that since I’m getting an allowance, I shouldn’t dampen the mood. Often, they try to enter me almost immediately after touching my breasts a little, or their nails hurt when they use their fingers. Many times, they penetrate me without giving me enough foreplay, and yet I feel like I have to keep smiling and acting pleasant, so sometimes I remember it all when I get home and burst into tears. Many of the people who offer to meet me are over 50, so maybe age has something to do with it. A lot of them seem unable to make delicate movements with their hands, or just seem rather awkward, and sometimes I wonder whether talking to them would even make a difference… I know people will probably tell me not to meet men like that, but I do like them as people… I find myself seeking pleasure, thinking that if I could at least enjoy it, I might be able to forget that I’m doing papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan). Is it too much to ask, as a mere sugar baby, to meet someone whose allowance meets my expectations, who I’m compatible with both physically and emotionally, and with whom sex is amazing?