Teramoto from Universe Tokyo here as well.
First of all, I can’t say how loudly you were speaking in the club, but even in that situation, the fact that you were able to offer at least the occasional nod and an awkward smile makes you a wonderful person.
Because of the nature of papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), when meeting someone for the first time, you’re essentially meeting a man whose background you know nothing about.
So rules of thumb like “This is how to point something out without making him angry” or “This kind of wording is dangerous” don’t really mean anything, since every man is different.
That, in itself, is what you might call chemistry.
Still, think about it carefully. The man sitting in front of you is someone who wants to meet you so much that he’s willing to treat you to a meal and even pay your transportation costs.
If a younger woman points out his manners, it can hurt a man’s pride. Some men may get angry…
But if you ask him gently and sweetly, I’m sure he won’t get angry. Actually, if you do come across someone who does, please send him to us via FB. Teramoto absolutely cannot forgive that.
I’m Taro, a male member.
It helps to think about communication from two angles: logic and emotion.
Logically, you need to point out that they’re speaking too loudly. When the conversation pauses, say something like, “Um, sorry, but am I imagining it, or is your voice a little loud?” or “I’m starting to feel self-conscious because it seems like everyone around us can hear.” Share the issue clearly and encourage them to adjust.
That said, this is negative feedback, so they’re very likely to react emotionally. Balance it out by adding plenty of positive feelings.
For example: “You’re really interesting to talk to, but since we’re meeting through a dating club, I can’t help worrying about how we look to people around us,” or, “I think you’re a wonderful person, so I’d really like us to have a slightly calmer conversation.” It’s okay to lay it on a little thick. That’s just your way of showing consideration and affection.
I suspect this kind of situation happens not only when the man is genuinely rough around the edges, but also when he gets carried away trying to make a good impression on a first meeting and ends up going in the wrong direction.
The latter can be resolved through better communication. I’d really like to see people explore that aspect more.
On the other hand, if it’s the former, there’s no fixing it. You either put up with it or get away.
If you can’t take it anymore, throw up a smokescreen with an excuse that’ll make them completely freeze—something like, “Sorry, I pooped my pants, so I’m going home”—and run for your life.
I’m Paper Airplane, a male member who really can’t stand loud, aggressive types.
EXILE-style guys are a complete physiological turnoff for me, and since I can only speak in what’s basically a mosquito-like whisper, I’m especially sensitive to people who talk loudly in restaurants.
Yesterday, I was quietly eating at a soba restaurant when there was a group—an older couple and what looked like the grandmother—talking loudly enough for the entire restaurant to hear, without even wearing masks. I quickly finished my meal and left, but I was honestly taken aback by men and women speaking that loudly at a time like this. (People probably don’t realize just how loud their natural voices sound to everyone around them…)
If someone told me to speak louder, I’d say goodbye immediately because I simply couldn’t do it. So perhaps the reverse is true as well.
If you want something to last, feeling comfortable with each other—especially being compatible in terms of your voices—is important, so it’s best not to force yourself to put up with it.
