An older guy who’s only after my body

I’m done with him. I was thinking I might be okay with being friends with benefits, but if he goes out of his way to say, “I’m not giving you any money, though,” it’s an instant turnoff. Maybe we’re just not compatible. He really didn’t need to say that… He’s bad at life. A lousy salesman who loses the deal by adding unnecessary comments. He’s not a papa (a male supporter)—just some random guy who hit on me. I think both men and women weigh up whether money is involved and whether they actually want to do it or not. But don’t you think the way someone leads the conversation there determines whether they’re a smooth pickup artist or terrible at making a move? I’m the kind of proud person who thinks, “It’s not like I’ll sleep with someone just because they pay me.” So if I’m considering a friends-with-benefits arrangement and he specifically says he won’t give me any money, I get annoyed and call the whole thing off. I’m doing papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) because I need money right now, and of course money is part of the deal in papa-katsu. But when I’m seeing someone in that context, I’d rather they not be so blatantly money-focused, haha. I’m having a hard time putting this into words… Sorry for sounding cheeky ꜀(^. .^꜀ )꜆੭

When he said, “I’m not giving you an allowance,” that was in response to the questioner saying something like, “Please give me an allowance,” right? If so, he was simply responding—not being stingy. I’d say he was hitting on her, or trying to charm her. Whether he’s in his 40s or not, he has the right to hit on someone. I’m in my 60s, and I have that right too. I just don’t do it because I doubt anyone would be interested in me. Or did he say, “I’m not giving you an allowance,” even though the questioner hadn’t said anything about one? If that’s the case, maybe he wasn’t really hitting on her. Perhaps he simply wanted to get a little closer and have a drink together. In other words, it may have been his way of indicating that he wasn’t interested in anything physical. Well, he might have been interested, but perhaps he was saying, “I’m not interested in paying for it.” Before that, had the questioner been acting suggestively or making advances toward him? Recently, I had about eight women around 18 to 20 whom I met through an app get tested for STIs. I always use condoms the first time, don’t kiss, and don’t allow unprotected oral sex. If I think a woman seems promising, I take her to a doctor I know and pay for her STI test. All of them tested positive for one or more of gonorrhea, chlamydia, trichomoniasis, or mycoplasma. When I asked about possible sources, I noticed something: for every one of them, the likely source wasn’t a papa-katsu papa, but rather unpaid friends-with-benefits partners, one-night stands, or boyfriends. Sex where no money changes hands makes you more likely to catch an STI. Isn’t that an eye-opener? I think the pattern is: “I’m not getting paid, so there must be love involved” → the woman lets her guard down and has unprotected sex. The money flows from papa to the woman to the host, while the STIs flow from men who don’t provide an allowance to the woman and then on to the papa. Where should I announce this important discovery? Also, when the questioner was told, “I’m not giving you an allowance,” she felt confused, didn’t she? “Not paying an allowance means he’s confident. Could he actually be popular with women? Now that I look at him…” Being told “I’m not giving you an allowance” may have made her mistake him for an attractive older guy. If a man’s face is in that ambiguous zone—not obviously handsome, but not ugly either—it’s possible to get strangely hooked on him. Isn’t “I’m not giving you an allowance” plus “You’re cute” kind of like a stray cat coming over and someone saying, “You’re cute. But I can’t keep you at home, so I can’t feed you. Hopefully someone nice will take you in”?

A woman in her 20s who’s only interested in money She came along after I picked her up—not through papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan)—and yet she says, “You won’t give me any money for sex?” Would you cut things off with her? lol As an answerer, when I tell a woman, “If there’s no allowance, let’s end things,” I’m talking about the rules of papa-katsu when people meet through a papa-katsu dating club. Picking someone up is different because there are no set rules, so if she wants money, I think she should just ask for it. Well, I guess the person asking is talking about someone like a street-based sex worker.

The way this starts makes it seem like the usual poster is writing under a different persona. It also clearly conveys a strong desire to bash men. Depending on the post, the writer presents themselves as either male or female, but the writing itself feels distinctly male. Now, to the main point: If you met through someone picking you up, then it seems normal that no allowance would be involved. What I find strange is the assumption that an allowance should be paid in every situation. I believe an allowance only comes into play when both people are meeting in a setting where they understand that one is expected. It might be better to start by reconsidering that way of thinking.

Like you, I was in my 20s and once had a 40-something business owner as a friend with benefits—or something like that! We met on a papa-katsu app, but he was a foodie, so it became a casual arrangement where he paid for dinner and there was intimacy without an allowance. He looked like a famous actor, was wealthy, and I figured, “Why not?” lol Since you met through being approached, if money is your priority, I think it might be worth negotiating. He probably isn’t looking for papa-katsu, so your expectations don’t really match and you’ll likely end things naturally, though.

If you’re looking for an allowance, you should talk about papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan). If things started with him hitting on you, though, there usually wouldn’t be any allowance or money involved. If you meet outside a dating club, it’s perfectly normal for there to be no money exchanged, even with an age gap of around 20 to 30 years. Also, I’d say men reach their peak popularity around their late 40s. So if that’s what you’re aiming for, you’ll need to go for someone at least 10 years older. Even more so if he’s in his 40s and confident enough to approach women himself…

From the man’s perspective, since she came along after he picked her up, he may not see it as papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) at all. He probably thinks he’ll cover expenses like the hotel, but fundamentally doesn’t need to pay an allowance. From the woman’s perspective, however, she seems to regard it as papa-katsu, so you’re coming from completely different positions and your terms likely don’t align. If that’s the case, I think you should give up on trying to get the money back.