To keep things from becoming as serious as marriage or a lovers’ suicide pact, I give her an allowance and draw a clear line. That’s the bare minimum rule of papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan).
If she thinks she’ll be forgiven for breaking the rules even though those boundaries haven’t been lifted, then she’s taking me for granted.
It’s like agreeing to box under boxing rules—where you can only throw punches—and then your opponent suddenly starts kicking and going for grappling techniques. If you’re going to keep boxing, you can’t compete against someone who attacks with illegal strikes.
You could change the rules to mixed martial arts and allow punches and kicks, but that’s frightening too, because you might end up taking unexpected damage. If there are no rules at all, it just becomes a street fight.
Papa-katsu without rules could genuinely end with someone dead. When an impulse is directed toward life, it’s Eros; when it’s directed toward death, it’s Thanatos.
No one has ever said things like “I want us to die together” or “If I die,” but there are two girls who make me wonder whether they may have taken their own lives.
One had previously attempted suicide by jumping from a height—she was saved by a man who happened to be passing by. We had a good relationship and had already set a date to meet again, but then she suddenly stopped responding. The other wrote to me, “I ordered medication online to use for suicide.” Our last exchange was about her concern for me and her love for me as a neighbor.
This is just a general observation, but I think people who say “I want to die” are about as unlikely to actually die as people who say “I love you so much I want to marry you” are to actually get married.
“I’ve always wondered why you encourage me. Maybe you’re projecting yourself onto me. You’re encouraging yourself through me.
“I do have a desire to save you—or at least guide you in a better direction—and in doing so, save myself too.
“Even if it is projection, as long as you still feel that way, you won’t break down. You’ll grow another branch. That’s what we call hope. You still have hope inside you.
“Don’t rush, and don’t give up. Recharge, then let’s try again.”
“It’s because I love you. Nothing more than kindness and love.
“I’ve never projected myself onto you, and I’ve never thought I could be saved through you. That would be ego…
“It’s simply love for my neighbor.”
“Ego is important. Let’s nurture it.
“Don’t build relationships with others just to become the person they want you to be. Build them so that you can survive. Learn to love yourself.”
“Right now, my feelings for you are my ego.
“I simply hope that you can live safely and comfortably as yourself.”
After that, I lost contact with her.
I feel that what I do is similar to rescuing abandoned cats. In a way, I use that as a sort of personal excuse—a habit of trying to put a respectable face on my filthy papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan). But some people simply can’t be saved.
I really hope I was mistaken, and that it was all just part of her troubled-girl act, and that she’s alive, laughing at me lightheartedly. That would honestly be enough.
