I’m a 21-year-old university student with complicated family circumstances. I’ve been doing papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) and working in the adult-entertainment industry since I was 18.
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When I was 19, there was a lawyer who was ten years older than me who came to the soap club where I worked. He became a repeat customer, and eventually we started seeing each other outside the club as well. Before long, he stopped coming to the club and we began a papa-katsu relationship, with him giving me more than I had been taking home from the club.
However, we gradually stopped having sex. When I asked him why, he said, “After seeing how emotionally unstable you can be and hearing about your complicated family situation, I stopped being able to see you as a sexual partner. But I care about you and have feelings for you, so I want us to build a normal human relationship without an allowance or sex.” I agreed.
For two years, we spent Saturdays and Sundays dating like a normal couple, traveled together during long holidays, went to love hotels (but absolutely never had sex), and stayed over at each other’s apartments since we both live alone. During that time, I gradually fell more and more in love with him.
Recently, I asked him, “I like you, so can’t we just have a normal relationship?” He said, “That’s not possible.”
He often tells me, “I care about you, so I want you to quit working in the adult-entertainment industry and doing papa-katsu. I want you to go back to having a regular part-time job.” But when I asked, “If I quit papa-katsu and the adult-entertainment work, would you date me?” his answer was still no. Yet when I meet another papa, he sometimes gets angry and says, “Papa-katsu again?! Just quit already and get a regular part-time job!”
When I said, “Then what exactly is our relationship? If we can’t date normally, this is too painful, so it would be easier if you just abandoned me,” he replied, “I can’t date you, but I care about you and want to keep looking out for you, so I can’t abandon you.” He still refuses to let me go.
This halfway relationship is genuinely painful, and I don’t understand what he’s thinking when he won’t date me despite interfering so much in my life. I do feel that he genuinely cares about me, but in a way, I also feel like he’s stringing me along.
So I have two questions:
1. What do you think he is thinking? Of course, only he knows for sure, but from a general male perspective, what do you think his intentions are?
2. Is it possible to have feelings for someone but no longer see them as a sexual partner?
👤Asked byGuest👩GenderFemale🎂20s👑Member of another dating club
He comes across as self-centered, with a strong set of personal rules. It feels like he’s thinking about the other person in a self-centered way.
That man also seems to have something missing emotionally, so maybe they’re a good match. He’s probably dependent on the questioner.
I don’t know whether my intuition is right, but I have a feeling that although he’d say dating is a no-go, marriage would be okay.
Next time, try bringing up “marriage” and see what happens. I think I may be right.
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I understand because I used to do something very similar with a man like that.
① You’re third or lower on his list. He likes you, but not enough to date you exclusively.
If he’s a single lawyer in his 30s, I’m sure he’s extremely popular.
② He doesn’t want to have sex because he doesn’t want to catch an STI. It would be a problem if he passed it on to his first- or second-choice women.
Since you’ve been close for a long time, he’d rather stay friends than cut ties. He probably enjoys spending time with you too.
Someone I knew who was very similar to him went to school with money she earned from sex work and became a nurse. You should either find a job you can do for the rest of your life, get married while you’re still young and attractive, or save a substantial amount of money.
That lawyer already has about two girlfriends who are the refined, office-worker type, so you’re unlikely to get anything more from him. Look for another man.
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Maybe she’s just a drinking buddy who comes when you invite her?
Or perhaps because he’s a lawyer, he’s being cautious about various things and doesn’t make a move.
It is strange that he doesn’t make a move. Going to a love hotel and not doing anything… I wonder what the point of going there is.
Personally, I can’t imagine loving someone but not seeing them as a sexual partner.
Maybe he sees her as just a friend now? That’s a feeling I can’t understand.
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①I think he just wants to look out for her.
Sometimes he gets angry and says, “Papa-katsu again?! Enough already—quit it and get a normal part-time job!”
He’s worried about her.
In my case, I do feel like I want to be intimate with her too, but isn’t it more of an older-brother kind of feeling?
②I think maybe it’s more like seeing her as a little sister.
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①I don’t think he’s giving it much thought.
②For example, when you feel a kind of familial affection toward someone, it’s perfectly normal not to see them as someone you could be intimate with.
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Answer
① By keeping it as a relationship where money is needed—where money is involved—I want it to remain easy to end: “when the money stops, the relationship ends.”
② I think it’s possible.
I believe there are many different kinds of affection—for example, between a mother and child, siblings, one’s community, or friends.
Even if there is affection, I don’t think it’s the kind that develops into a romantic relationship between a man and a woman or leads to marriage.
My opinion:
If you’re a genuine lawyer, you’ll honestly be popular even without marrying a woman you met through papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan).
Simply hearing that someone is a lawyer makes an overwhelming number of women think, “I’d like to hear what he has to say, at least.”
If you can’t win someone over from that opportunity, then you’re an unsuccessful—and unfortunately unimpressive—lawyer.
She clearly isn’t accepting everything about you.
If she truly accepted all of you, things wouldn’t have ended up like this, would they?
You’ve probably realized that yourself, haven’t you?
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