I’m struggling with something and would appreciate some advice.
I’m a man in my 30s and have been running my own company for seven years. The business is doing well, and I met my younger wife on a dating site five years ago. We’ve been married ever since and have been living what seems like a perfect life.
However, I started papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) around the time I began running my company. I stopped for the first year after getting married, but eventually started again.
Through it, I met a female university student, and we’ve been seeing each other for the past year. Some people may say I’m just imagining that we’re in a relationship, but there’s no exchange of money between us. We talk on the phone every day, and she even has me share my location with her, so I don’t think I’m mistaken.
We genuinely have a relationship, and she knows that I’m married.
I care deeply about my wife and don’t want a divorce. At the same time, I love this girl just as much.
Are there others who feel this way? What should I do with these feelings?
I don’t feel guilty, but I do question myself about why I’m living with two different faces.
She also sometimes tells me that we have no future. I don’t know how to respond to that.
As for whether I could support another household, I do have the assets and financial means to do so. But even if I told her I’d support her after she graduates from university, it’s obvious that things wouldn’t simply work out that way. I’m feeling conflicted and distressed.
Even harsh words are welcome, so I’d really appreciate any advice or guidance.
People generally like to describe relationships between men and women that don’t involve money as “pure,” but that absolutely doesn’t apply to the questioner.
Why?
1. He has no intention whatsoever of leaving his wife.
2. He has nothing to say about her future.
3. And yet, he gives her zero allowance.
So my opinion is: “How can you possibly call that pure?!”
In short, he’s just getting sex for free. I used to love that myself. It’s too late now, but out of deep remorse, I currently spend generously on my wife, daughter, and mistress alike. Money makes relationships smoother—and purer.
So starting this month, why not give her at least ¥100,000 for her future? Though I suppose that’s none of my business.
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If there’s no exchange of money, then it isn’t papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan)—it’s dating, right?
So basically, it’s just a normal affair.
You’re free to do as you please, but as the other respondents have said, if you’re financially well-off, why not buy her an apartment or something?
Personally, I’d give her a proper allowance and keep it as papa-katsu, so there’d be no hard feelings afterward...
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People will always have different opinions, but I think you should do whatever feels right to you. For better or worse, things will work out as they will. You look like you’re having fun—I’m jealous.
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As for my answer:
① I devote my passion to my business, my family, and my hobbies, so I don’t want to take on any other difficult complications. I have no desire to maintain two families.
② If you can devote as much passion to balancing your wife and your girlfriend as you do to your business, then go ahead and try to make it work. If you don’t have that level of passion, why not give it up?
In any case, you’re in a hopeless bind.
From here, I imagine things will follow one of these patterns:
① You maintain the status quo, spending every day wearing two different masks—afraid that your girlfriend will intrude while you’re with your wife or show up at your home, while constantly trying to keep her happy.
② You upset your girlfriend or try to break things off, the relationship turns sour, and she becomes a stalker. You then spend every day fearing violence against your wife or visits to your company. I’ve even heard of people having someone storm into companies they own or business partners’ offices.
③ You set up another household and even create a company for her, but in the end, you spend every day worrying about the condition of your business and finances. When the business is well-known, some people have engaged in misconduct, been removed as directors, and expelled from the company without even receiving severance pay.
With society taking a harsher view of affairs and income being tracked more closely, maintaining two families seems much more difficult than it was before the war.
If you’re the owner-president playing “king of the hill,” you may start using company expenses strangely, get flagged by the tax office, or become a “naked emperor” who loses everyone’s respect within the company because of your bizarre schedule.
If the company is already publicly listed, I think you should step away from management and do whatever you like as a pure owner.
It must be tough having such a frightening girlfriend.
That said, people who end up with a frightening girlfriend often have frightening wives and a history of frightening partners as well. It made me feel that you probably created this situation because, on some level, it’s exactly what you wanted.
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Monogamy is a system, after all. There are countries that don’t have it, and Japan used to be that way too. Rules should be followed, but I’m not sure it’s something you need to agonize over that much. “Bending yourself to fit the system” and “living life in your own way” are both perfectly valid choices.
Loving multiple people doesn’t necessarily mean your love is shallow. For example, the difference in productivity between someone who’s good at their job and someone who isn’t is apparently about tenfold. So once remote work made it possible to judge people solely by their results, things like working full-time for multiple companies started appearing. Americans sure are free—I envy that.
Incidentally, apparently only about 30% of people who start dating in college eventually marry that person. That’s a reasonably high batting average, but 70% still break up. If you’re going to break up anyway, does it really matter whether you’re married or not? Still, 89% of women reportedly want to get married, and a survey of current college students found that 47% see “the person I date” as “my future spouse.” So it does seem to be true that rational arguments don’t get very far. If you insist on doing things your own way, your management skills will really be put to the test.
Turning it into a transactional relationship is one possible solution. Money is a drug, after all. Once you get people hooked, both rationality and emotion go out the window, and as long as you’re enjoying the present, everything’s fine. If that would make things easier for you, then go ahead. But money really is a drug, so it can be addictive, and it can also destroy your sense of what’s normal.
Life is basically full of contradictions, so maybe we’re meant to wander through it, worrying, getting prickly, clashing with each other, making up, and repeating the whole process. I think you’re in a good situation right now, and wouldn’t a life with all the answers already decided be boring? I’d hate to see you gloss it all over with money.
Taro
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You’re treating a college student with a promising future terribly.
You may not say it outright, but you’re already telling her that I have no future with you… Failing to realize that makes you an absolute fool. She’s probably waiting for you to leave your wife. No—she’s telling you to leave her.
If you can’t leave your wife, then will you break up with the college student?
She has Zenly tracking you, doesn’t she? Even if you give her a large sum of money when you break things off, she’ll become a stalker. Though she already is one.
I just hope your wife and children waiting at home are safe…
When you talk about breaking up, don’t do it somewhere deserted. You could get stabbed.
Don’t you find it frightening that she knows both your workplace and your home?
I think you believe she’ll be fine, but where does that confidence come from?
When she wants something, she’ll try to get it—and she’ll turn your life upside down. You need to act quickly.
Why not hire bodyguards for your family?
That’s how frightening this is.
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I’m not bragging at all, and I know there are people who are loved in even more extraordinary ways, but—
My papa (a male supporter) is buying me a condo in Minato Ward as my lifelong home because I “devoted my younger years to him.”
If you can’t even get divorced, do you at least have that level of commitment?
Compensation for emotional distress isn’t just about feelings—it has to be converted into money, right? Even if you say it’s not about money, since you’re not getting divorced, don’t you think you need to show your love in some other tangible way?
At the very least, why not buy her a home?
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It’s possible to maintain two households.
You could judge it by whether you’d be willing to buy a female university student a home for life, spending tens of millions of yen.
I think people tend to give their lovers, wives, or lifelong partners things like a place to live, gifts, and spending money. The question is whether you have those feelings for her.
Even without any exchange of money, if the relationship continues and you find yourself wanting to give her more than an allowance, she’s probably someone truly important to you.
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I also think an allowance-based relationship would be better.
Even if you like each other in the same way, you can see what the future holds, so all you can do is help her understand and accept it. If that ends up being the reason you part ways, maybe that’s okay too.
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A strong man like you could support about four women, like in Islamic societies or the days of the feudal lords in Japan. It makes sense.
If she’s a college student, she can always start over with another man. If you don’t intend to marry her, you should probably give her an allowance. You could give her a lump sum of around 10 million yen and then nothing after that.
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Get divorced after paying a sufficient amount of alimony, and then don’t ever get married again.
That’s what I’m doing.
You can’t know whether marriage suits you unless you try it at least once, so I suppose that part can’t be helped. Let’s make sure neither of us repeats the same mistake.
If you’re capable of loving multiple women, you shouldn’t get married in Japan.
Marriage is a declaration that says, “I will love only you and no other woman.” You shouldn’t lie to yourself or to anyone else.
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