When you develop a genuine emotional connection with your papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) partner, do you use your real name?

Does what’s “normal” really matter? To begin with, papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) itself isn’t considered normal by society at large, is it? I’m not the type to pursue a pseudo-romantic relationship, but I do know the real names of the women I’ve been seeing for a long time. That said, I never pressure a woman to tell me something she doesn’t want to share. I only learned the real name of one woman I’ve been seeing for about two years a few weeks ago, through a particular circumstance. I also make offers because I’m interested in their work, so I know generally what they do, but I don’t ask for the name of their company or university. That’s my personal line for what feels normal. You should continue in a way that feels comfortable for you and stays within your own boundaries. That said, I don’t think a man who pressures a woman into revealing something she doesn’t want to share is being much of a gentleman.

I think most people, myself included, feel the same way: you should simply do what you can within the scope of your activities at the dating club. I feel bad that my approach comes across as very transactional, but I stick to that boundary. That said, I’ve never asked for her real name or where she lives. Yet, for some reason, after we exchanged LINE contacts, she turned out to be using her real name and started telling me where she lived, what kind of company she worked for, and so on. In my case, I agree more with what Universe calls “the search for a papa” than with what is generally referred to as papa-katsu. From the beginning, my relationships have had a strong mistress-like quality—in other words, they’ve been relationships with a mistress in the fullest sense. Even so, I’ve never asked about those things until the woman I’m seeing brought them up herself. These days, we know virtually everything about each other, but we still refer to each other by our names at the club. In your case, I think it would be best to first confirm: - How long you’ve been seeing each other - Whether you’re both on the same page about the terms of the arrangement - How trustworthy the other person is It’s not too late to discuss those things after you’ve properly considered them. This may sound like a fairly generic answer, but I think it would be fine to say, “I’d like to talk about that after we get to know each other a little better.”

Do whatever you feel is right. Some women will tell you their real first name at the first meeting, while others stick to their club name. From the man’s perspective, that can give the impression that she’s keeping things transactional and maintaining a clear boundary. But even within those limits, some women genuinely connect with you. One woman once said, “We really click, but I don’t want a boyfriend. I thought it would be nice if we could spend time together as long as our interests and benefits aligned. Is that not okay?” She said it during a conversation when we were parting ways. I believe she meant it sincerely. She had separate phones for different purposes, and the LINE account on her papa-katsu phone was the one she used to communicate with me. Even so, I found it hard to believe she had an entire phone just for me, but I’m convinced what she said was genuine. On the other hand, there’s another woman with whom I exchanged real full names after only a few meetings, had sex without protection, and whose allowance became vague and eventually disappeared after about a year. The frequency of our meetings and the things we talked about felt somewhat different from what I imagine a romantic relationship to be. But she clearly seemed to enjoy seeing me, and things are much better between us now than when we first met. So maybe she feels that we’re emotionally connected—I don’t know. The point is, everyone is different, and no matter how well you think you understand someone, you can never fully know them. Maybe people connect because of some kind of illusion or misunderstanding, or maybe, despite knowing we can never understand everything, they find a lifeline in the fact that they can connect here. I suppose it’s something like that. That man’s behavior strikes me as textbook beginner stuff. He shouldn’t have done it, but I can understand how he felt—that’s my take, anyway（笑). It’s a path everyone goes down. I lost an important woman because of it, though things might have turned out differently if she had been more mature. Maybe you’re at the crossroads where you’ll find out whether the same thing happens to you. Do whatever feels right. Even if you’re different from other people, that’s an irreplaceable part of your individuality. On the other hand, I’d rather not deal with women who suppress their individuality and simply do whatever the man tells them to do—if they think that’s what a dating club’s service is supposed to be. There are all kinds of people in the world, and no woman will always behave exactly as you want. Isn’t it the unique, unconventional side of a woman that makes things fun? If a woman can lie to herself and simply play along, she’d make far more money in the adult-entertainment industry, where the customer-acquisition engine is already well established. Finally, to answer your question again: I’ve been told real names by most women, but I’ve also had long-term relationships with women who never told me theirs. There may not be many women like you, but you’re not alone. You’ll be fine—keep looking ahead and moving forward! Taro

Personally, I think women should go with whatever feels right to them. It’s important for your safety to share your real name, but not your address or workplace. Looking back, there were only a few women who told me their real names and where they worked. There weren’t many of them. I hadn’t asked, and I hadn’t shared any of my personal information either, but it did make me feel like we were becoming closer—like, “Ah, she trusts me.” That said, I advised them not to tell their workplace to other papas. It would be scary if someone turned into a stalker or contacted them at work.

People have different ideas about what kind of arrangement they want through an exclusive dating club, and I think your preference—not to share personal information such as your real name or where you live—is perfectly valid. I’m looking for genuine romance rather than a pseudo-romantic relationship, so I want a relationship where we can learn personal details about each other. Even so, I would never tell the woman I’m seeing, “You have to tell me your real name and other information!” I’m free to share my own real name, but thinking, “Therefore, you should share yours too,” seems incredibly arrogant to me. If I’ve shared my real name and other details but the woman I’m seeing never shares any personal information in return, I can choose to end things because our approaches to the relationship are different. But I can’t—and shouldn’t—try to force her to change her approach. Since you’re clear about your own boundaries, I think you should simply tell the man, “I don’t share personal information, so please don’t ask.” Incidentally, the woman I’m seeing and I know each other’s real names and addresses, and, believe it or not, we’ve even shared our credit card information with each other... Probably a pretty rare case, though.

This is a difficult one, isn’t it? From early on, when I met my papas, I consciously took what you might call a “give first to win” approach—sharing my real name and other personal information so they would think, “She seems like a good person.” As a result, I can’t deny that I ended up with several generous (well-paying) papas, although I’ve lost touch with some of them now. To become valued by business partners, you sometimes have to invest your own money first—in other words, you need to make them feel, “Doing business with this company is worthwhile.” So at first, I focused on giving more than I received, even if it meant operating at a loss. It’s like Amazon Prime. You start out paying ¥3,900 a year and think, “Wow, this is so convenient.” Then, after a few years, once you feel like you can’t live without Amazon, they tell you, “Sorry, we’re raising the annual fee to ¥4,900.” But because it’s so convenient, you keep using it anyway. That’s the kind of image I had in mind. That said, I’m not sure I’d recommend this approach to others, so please take it simply as one example.

Even if he seems trustworthy, I think talking about that from the very first day is going too far. Unless he has cult-leader-level charisma, it would be difficult, lol. I can understand how that papa feels. Knowing that kind of private information probably makes him feel like the relationship has grown closer. But based on my actual experience, even after learning someone’s home address, real name, and workplace—or even being invited into her home—I only felt like we had gotten closer. Sadly, that was all it was. As for your question: the women who told me their addresses, names, and workplaces didn’t do so because they liked me. They told me because I was a “safe and decent person.” That’s because my relationship with every woman whose address I knew has already ended. Some of them even stopped contacting me without explanation. I’m safe enough that they can end things that way with me, lol. So, if there’s even the slightest concern that this papa is extremely jealous, possessive, or emotionally volatile, you absolutely shouldn’t tell him. Bad feelings are usually right.

Everyone has their own sense of what’s normal, so your way of thinking is normal to you, just as that man’s way of thinking is normal to him. As for me, I don’t intentionally ask about or disclose my partner’s real name, exact home address, workplace, or anything like that. However, after we’ve been seeing each other for a few months, we naturally end up knowing each other’s real names. If she works in a customer-facing job, she may even invite me to visit her workplace. I might also pick her up or drop her off right in front of her home. That’s what’s normal for me. I understand not wanting to share such personal information because you feel wary of a man who asks about it out of nowhere. However, I don’t understand how you could see someone like that as a wonderful person.

That’s normal. What’s not normal is the other person asking about it. I think it’s strange—and not something a decent person would do—to ask someone you’re dealing with for money about that unprompted. Normally, I think a woman will bring it up herself if she wants to talk about it. If she feels she can trust the other person—especially if the man is using his real name—she may even talk about it from the very first day. I think the man should be more considerate of the woman, especially if he wants a pseudo-romantic relationship.