About a woman I've met several times: when we first met, she told me, “Please call me by my club name,” so I’ve continued to do so. The other day, on our fourth date, I casually asked, “Come to think of it, what’s your real name (given name)?” but she evaded the question.
It may seem like a small thing, but it left me feeling a little uncomfortable, as though I were having sex with a girl using a stage name. I’m also starting to feel somewhat less interested.
How do you all handle the issue of names? (Sorry, I couldn’t think of a better way to put it.)
For reference, she knows my real name, and this was the first time I had asked for hers.
👤Asked byGuest👨GenderMale🎂40s👑Universe male member
It doesn’t bother me.
Since it’s a relationship involving money, I’m perfectly fine having sex under an assumed name, and it still feels good.
I only give out my real name in hiragana for restaurant reservations. That’s as far as I go when it comes to sharing personal information.
Maybe she has a reason—perhaps a past papa (a male supporter) became a stalker and she had a bad experience, or something happened when they broke up.
If that makes you lose interest, I think it’s fine to end things. But in a setting like this, there are probably quite a few women who want to be called by their club names and don’t want to share their personal information.
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I’m not interested in whether it’s her real name or not. Unless I see an ID, there’s always a chance it’s made up anyway.
I’m a little interested in whether she’ll let me into her home, though.
The woman I met recently was an “R” woman. When I asked, “Should I call you an R woman?” she gave me a nickname that sounded about right.
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Nice to meet you!
I’m Potassium, a female member.
I don’t think I’ve told most of the people I met through the club my real name either. I’ve answered when asked, but I never brought it up myself.
There are three reasons!
1) Honestly, a name doesn’t really matter at its core.
2) My club name happened to overlap with another female member’s, so the staff came up with this one for me. I was happy about that and wanted to keep using it.
3) It allowed me to date men as a new version of myself.
That was the idea, but my papa and I really hit it off, so we exchanged our real names right from the first meeting. Now, instead of dating as this “new me,” I’m seeing him as my completely genuine, unfiltered self lol.
I think some people simply don’t care that much about names, so there’s no need to get hung up on it. But if it really bothers you, it might be better to look for someone new.
If you barge into someone else’s world without permission, there’s a chance they’ll dislike you for it…
*When my papa stepped into my world, I prepared slippers for him, though. Maybe that’s what you call being on the same wavelength lol.*
Just my personal opinion, though.
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If it bothers you, I think it’s perfectly fine to end things.
Whenever something feels off to me, I end it right away too.
Speaking from the man’s side, I get the feeling you’re not asking for her family name—you’d think she could at least tell you her given name, written in hiragana.
I understand being cautious about a family name, since it can make someone easier to identify. But I don’t really see how a given name in hiragana would lead to identifying her.
Then again, I’ve never tried to identify a woman, so I don’t know how it’s done. Maybe that’s why I have such a carefree opinion.
By the way, I’ve only ever met women through papa-katsu who use a single alphabet letter as their LINE name. I sometimes wonder if they have two phones.
If you used a single alphabet letter for your private account, it would be pretty much like announcing, “I do papa-katsu,” lol.
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I don’t particularly ask, nor do I try to find out.
Some women tell me during our first meeting, while others want to know my real name. There are also women who only get the chance to learn it after we’ve been seeing each other for a year.
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The two of us have been seeing each other for four years, and we still use our club names.
When we first met, we exchanged emails under our real names, and I remember wondering whether that was really okay.
There’s no way I’d want to walk around town getting cozy with a young woman under my real name. I’d rather remain just an older gentleman within the framework of the club.
And as for the women I see, they couldn’t exactly tell their coworkers or friends, “I’m intimate with a man over 40 years older than me, and it makes me feel better,” could they? (笑)
I’d heard that situations like Marika’s can happen, so I think it’s best to be cautious at first.
As you spend more time together, you’ll naturally learn more about each other, so I think you should make your judgment based on that.
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I’ve also had my real name searched and experienced stalking-like behavior that made things very uncomfortable at work. Since people like that really do exist, there’s not much you can do about it. Don’t blame that woman—blame the men who harass women.
Marika
> By the way, I’ve only ever met women through papa-katsu who use a single alphabet letter as their LINE name. I’ve wondered if they have two phones.
That can apply to men, too.
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I can relate to the questioner’s perspective.
I also give my real name from the very first meeting, lol. Some women answer right away too, lol. By the second time you meet, don’t you usually know each other’s real names?
It just happened to work out that way, so I’ve never really thought about it. But if someone told me she didn’t want to give her name, I wouldn’t pressure her—I’d just say, “Oh, okay,” and let it go. Still, I’d find it a little unsettling, so I probably wouldn’t become any closer than that, lol.
I’m also careful not to pry into the other person’s private life during conversations. For example, if I even talk about my own private life, it might be taken as prying, so I feel like I have to keep that off-limits too, lol. I end up feeling exhausted from being overly careful, and it just makes me not want to meet again.
Of course, I’m not criticizing the woman’s approach. That’s simply her style of dating, and I’m just not very good at adapting to it, lol.
You don’t ask the cashier at a convenience store for their name, and you don’t introduce yourself by name when asking someone for directions, so there are only limited situations where your real name is actually necessary.
But to me, someone I’m dating is a person I become deeply involved with and emotionally invested in, so I give my real name, lol. Conversations flow smoothly with women who answer without hesitation, so I guess people with similar sensibilities naturally hit it off more, lol. I’m also grateful when they meet me halfway.
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Once you’ve been seeing someone for a while, you naturally learn various things about them. I’ve never deliberately asked, but I understand why you’re curious. Why not explain your feelings carefully and ask one more time? If they still refuse, I think it’s best to follow your feelings and decide what to do then. In other words, if you decide from the outset that you’ll end things if they don’t tell you, you’ll only feel more unsettled.
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There’s a phrase, “respect the other person,” and this is exactly the kind of situation it applies to. For whatever reason, the woman has decided that she doesn’t want to reveal her real name, so accepting that decision is what it means to respect her.
Simply saying, “I respect women,” doesn’t make it true. No matter how much money you give her, if you feel entitled to interfere with her free will or right to make her own decisions, then you aren’t respecting her.
The fact that you want to know, or feel lonely because she won’t tell you, might be a bit much to call psychological violence toward another person, but at the very least, I’m extremely careful and humble about things like that.
I suppose it’s because I have a strong desire not to have my own free will violated.
P.S.
Actually, I do think the questioner’s feelings are a kind of unrecognized psychological violence. You need to kill that feeling yourself.
The idea that “once you’re dating and become close, you’re supposed to exchange names” is imposing your values on someone else. You should show more respect for other people as individuals.
That said, I have no intention of interfering with the questioner’s feelings either, so if it really bothers you that much, why not cut ties with that woman? You’re free to end things, but you shouldn’t pressure her into anything.
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I’ve also been harassed by a papa (a male supporter) after telling him my real name, so I can understand how she feels.
That said, if you’ve lost interest, I think it’s fine to end things there. It doesn’t seem like the relationship is going to develop any further.
Personally, I tell the papas I like my real name. The men I end up liking are always the type to share their own information first by giving me their business card, so I feel that opening up in return helps us become closer.
Also, as we get to know each other, there are often natural opportunities to share our names, such as when booking flights or dealing with passports.
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I’ve used my real first name as my club name from the very beginning—though I write it in hiragana, of course.
Since I’m registered under my real first name anyway, I figured it would be a hassle to switch when exchanging LINE contact information, so I’ve just left it that way from the start.
For her, it may be a way of keeping her private life and dating life completely separate. Or perhaps she’s had an unpleasant or difficult experience in the past after someone learned her real name.
There could be any number of reasons. If she doesn’t want to tell you, maybe there’s something behind it, so why not respect that? Personally, I think it doesn’t really matter whether it’s her real name or her club name. As long as you can maintain a good relationship with each other, isn’t that what matters most?
If it bothers you that much, you could tell her that you feel there’s a wall between you because of it. But only if her name is important enough to you that you’d be okay with ending things over it.
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I think it’s fine to end things with her—especially if you want to genuinely enjoy the arrangement. That said, if you’re seeing each other for an adult relationship every time, there’s no need to break things off.
Not just because you heard it, but considering that she knows your real name yet won’t tell you hers, and that she says, “Please call me by my club name”—
I’d assume she either knows a lot about papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) or has experience with it.
Usually, if you tell her your real name, she’ll give you hers at that point. Many girls also use their real names on LINE.
If her LINE name is just a single letter, symbol, or something similar, she may be someone who doesn’t share her real name. There’s probably some calculation and cleverness behind it as well.
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It’s understandable to feel a little uneasy when she won’t tell you her real name.
But is it actually causing you any problems? Do you want to know her name so you can stalk her? You can still form a connection with someone without knowing their name.
I assume she treats you like a romantic partner when you’re together.
If that’s not the case, then the issue goes beyond her real name, and I’d recommend ending things.
But in reality, I think you’re able to spend time together like a couple. If so, I don’t think you need to worry about her name.
It simply isn’t important.
Besides, once she feels comfortable telling you, she’ll let you know eventually. For now, I think you still have more to do to earn her trust, so keep working at it.
Are you dating her name, or are you dating the woman herself?
I think you should give that some serious thought.
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