How should I contact a man who is overwhelmed by the death of a family member and a pet?
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I met this man privately, not through papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan).
I’ve only ever experienced papa-katsu, so I don’t understand ordinary romantic relationships. I’m asking here because I’d like advice from those of you with more experience.
We went out for dinner several times, and he openly expressed his feelings for me. Things were going so well that I thought we would probably start dating.
However, about three weeks ago, I messaged him asking when we should meet next, and he didn’t reply for about five days.
I started worrying that he was fading out on me despite how well things had been going, but then he messaged me, saying, “Sorry, my dog died. Things have been really difficult.”
When I replied, he said, “Thanks. Things are a little hectic right now, but I’d like to see you sometime next week.”
After that, he went silent again. Eleven days later, I sent a follow-up message asking if he was okay, and he only replied, “Sorry, my mother collapsed.”
I messaged him to say something along the lines of, “I see. That sounds really difficult,” but he only read it and hasn’t replied.
I’ve known him for about three years. Two years ago, he also went through a difficult period, possibly because he was caring for a parent. After about two months, he contacted me again, and things started to feel good between us—but then I was the one who became distant.
I wonder if he’ll contact me again once things settle down, but before all this happened, things had been going so well that I really thought we would probably start dating. I’m afraid that this situation will cause us to drift apart again.
At first, I wondered whether he was deliberately making himself seem too overwhelmed because he wanted to distance himself from me, but...
Since this concerns his parent and his pet—matters of life and death—I don’t want to doubt him. Caring for a parent really is extremely difficult, and I’m anxious because all I can do is wait and believe that he’s genuinely overwhelmed.
Still, I don’t want to just wait. I feel like contacting him again, but in this situation, would it be best to leave him alone for now?
If I do message him, I’m thinking of saying something like:
“Are you okay? I’ve never cared for a parent, so I don’t really know much about what you’re going through, but it sounds incredibly difficult. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.”
Would that be overstepping?
Maybe he simply isn’t in a place to think about romance right now. Or perhaps he wants to fade out of my life. I’m so frustrated and helpless because I have no idea what he’s thinking and don’t know what to do.
I’m sorry for the long post.
I’d really appreciate any advice.
👤Asked byGuest👩GenderFemale🎂20s👑Universe female member
Your dog died.
Your mother collapsed.
Next, it’ll be a relative who passes away.
There’s no doubt he’s not interested.
If you like him enough to ask here, why not wait and see?
If it doesn’t work out, give up.
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Mac’s answer is really growing on me... lol
When you watch something like The Kindaichi Case Files, you think, “There’s no way someone could run into a murder scene every single time. You’re obviously the most likely suspect!” Likewise, whenever you get close to a hostess in China, either she or one of her relatives suddenly comes down with some serious illness at an incredible rate—but somehow, no one ever actually dies. It makes you think, “So that’s how China’s population keeps growing.” All sorts of jokes from my own life keep popping into my head, and I’m feeling very happy right now. ^^
As for your question, one possibility is that she really has had a string of bad luck. The other is that she’s simply using it as an excuse to break things off. Since this is a private relationship rather than one through a dating club, it does feel like you’ve built a genuine relationship in a sense. On the other hand, I get the feeling the man isn’t very good at ending things. He’s leaving the door open even though he has no intention of continuing. When you’re deeply involved in dating clubs, you have to manage your portfolio, so once you lose interest, you cut things off cleanly.
If you like this man, I think it’s fine to keep trying to contact him. If you think about it calmly, it makes sense to reach out in a way that doesn’t feel pressuring, as you wrote in your question. But looking back on my own experiences, the only times I’ve succeeded were after laying all my feelings on the table and getting caught up in a huge, chaotic battle. Even so, I can’t really recommend that approach. Then again, I don’t feel like you’d have much chance of succeeding with a completely harmless, casual message either.
Maybe situations like this are less about what the other person thinks and more about how you feel. If you can give up, then give up—ordinary life will be waiting for you. But those who can’t give up keep struggling and eventually discover an extraordinary truth they continued to believe in... It reminds me of Spielberg’s Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
Sorry for the long answer, lol.
Taro
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It’s fine to send, “Are you okay? If there’s anything I can do, just let me know.”
Of course, the more space you leave between messages, the sooner you’ll receive a reply. If the interval is too short, he may think, “I can get back to her later,” and eventually forget to reply.
In my answer to your first question, I only wrote “about four days…” (Are you the same person?)
In your case, since this is a relationship between a man and a woman without physical intimacy, I think the man sees it as a relationship where he can meet you easily at any time—even after six months, a year, or several years.
If you have stronger feelings for him, unless you make them very clear, he probably sees you as a woman within his comfort zone—someone he wants to keep seeing, but not someone he intends to pursue romantically or develop an adult relationship with. Also, judging from your post, you don’t meet very often, so while you’re certainly someone important to him, you’re probably not in a particularly special position.
So there’s absolutely no need to rush to contact him.
And since you’re a woman, it’s perfectly fine to ask casually and as equals whenever possible. That puts less pressure on him and makes it easier for him to respond.
Men are naturally selfish and do as they please, so they can suddenly get in touch after several months or half a year, and they can even leave you waiting, as the lyrics of some song put it. At the same time, it’s also in a man’s nature that he can’t give up as easily as a woman might.
If you contact him too often, you may end up making him
> want to keep his distance from me.
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To all the men here: you may all have plenty of current experience with papa-katsu, but I don’t think any of you are currently active in the dating scene. The only person who can probably give advice as someone still in the game is Paper Airplane.
Otherwise, it might be quicker to visit a fortune-telling parlor.
Paper Airplane or a fortune-telling parlor.
For now, let’s wait for Paper Airplane’s answer.
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If she wanted to continue, she would have been replying promptly for years, so I think the chances are pretty slim at this point.
If there’s basically no chance anyway, you might as well send a few more messages with nothing to lose—but you should also look elsewhere.
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If you’ve been seeing each other for three years, that’s probably how he genuinely feels. Just be careful not to let things drift too far apart, and he’ll likely get in touch again eventually.
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If you met privately, then you must have some kind of connection—for example, through work or school.
If that’s the case, I don’t think you can simply fade out of each other’s lives.
With papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), two people who would normally have no connection meet, so it’s easy to fade out.
I don’t think your message sounds pushy at all. Why not just send it as it is?
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