I’m really struggling after this heartbreak. For six months, I was the friend-with-benefits of a tall, handsome company owner. The relationship became too painful, so I ended it a month ago.

He keeps flashing back into my mind whenever something reminds me of him. I know that, in the end, he was just playing me (and he wasn’t even kind), but I still can’t seem to forget him. I’m only 20, so my six-month unrequited love probably seems insignificant in the grand scheme of life. But to me, he was the biggest presence in my life. The sex with him felt unbelievably good. He was selfish and acted like he was the boss, so we had sex that felt almost like rape, but I got extremely wet. He was the only person I ever had unprotected sex with. I’ve done papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) and had a few friends-with-benefits, but he was always number one to me. I would go to his place and have sex with him on my way home after seeing a papa (a male supporter). Recently, as a reaction to all this, I’ve become obsessed with papas. I harass the other girls my papa supports, and with other papas, I’ve found their children’s Instagram accounts and monitored them. I’ve also been shopping like crazy. I spent a million yen at Louis Vuitton last month and this month. I’m such an idiot, aren’t I? I’m in so much pain. I want to die. I’ve even started thinking that maybe it’s because I’m ugly, so I’m considering cosmetic surgery and made an appointment for next month. I’ve already spent 2.5 million yen on my face, and I’m still trying to get more procedures. My bingeing and purging has also gotten really bad. I can feel myself spiraling further and further downward. Honestly, I would have been fine staying friends-with-benefits. But I never felt any affection from him at all, and that was unbearably painful. He hasn’t blocked me on LINE, so I keep feeling like I want to contact him. But I feel like contacting him would mean I’ve lost, so I’m desperately holding myself back. How can I forget him? Do I really have to fill the void with men? Even if I become obsessed with a papa, he has a family and supports lots of other PJ girls, so I’ll just feel empty forever.