I’m not comfortable with dinner on the first meeting. Would it be better to have tea only and increase the allowance?
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I’m a man who recently joined. When I talk with someone I’m meeting for the first time, I get so focused on the conversation that I can’t eat at all. And even when I do eat, I’m nervous meeting someone for the first time, so I can’t taste anything. If that’s the case, I’m thinking it might be better to have tea only on the first meeting and give her the tens of thousands of yen that would have gone toward the meal in addition to her transportation allowance. If we hit it off while having tea and decide to go somewhere to eat, I’d be happy to do so. Is this idea not acceptable? Or am I simply not suited to being a member here?
👤Asked byGuest👨GenderMale🎂40s👑Universe male member
Men tend to act on their own.
So if you suddenly switch to just tea after meeting, the woman may be thinking:
The club told her the first meeting would be a meal, so she may have come hungry and be looking forward to seeing what kind of place you’ll take her to.
If you don’t say anything and then only take her out for tea, she might think:
“Tea only? I came hungry and was looking forward to a meal. Is this man stingy? Does he not even want to pay for dinner?”
That is a possibility. In fact, we sometimes get feedback from women saying, “I was disappointed that it was just tea.”
Very few women expect tea only for the first meeting. I imagine you asked this question because the staff told you when you joined that the first meeting would be a meal.
So I think it’s better to start with a meal, and if you want to switch to tea, suggest doing tea from the second meeting onward.
That said, I do think it’s fine to take her to a restaurant while you only have tea and don’t eat anything yourself. The woman may feel a little awkward eating, but we rarely get complaints like, “The man didn’t eat anything, so it was uncomfortable.”
Even when we do, the man has usually explained that he understood it would be a meal, so it doesn’t become a complaint about him. It’s more along the lines of, “He was a nice man, but since he only had tea, I felt a little awkward eating.”
If you’ve only just joined, I recommend this approach.
Once you’ve made offers more than ten times and have gotten a feel for how things work, Mac-san’s method might work well too.
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Meeting for tea or a light meal is fine as long as you suggest it to her and she’s okay with it.
Just be mindful of the time and place, since she might feel you’re undervaluing her.
If you choose a café in town, like Komeda or Starbucks, she may feel self-conscious about being seen there, so I think it could end up leaving a bad impression.
A hotel lounge seems like the most appropriate choice.
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I’m Taro, a male member.
Yes, absolutely. At Universe, a meal for the first meeting is the standard, but with other dating clubs, I usually started with coffee and moved on to the next step if we seemed compatible. You can tell almost instantly when someone isn’t a good match, and spending two hours over a meal with that person is rough. You end up wondering who benefits from it.
There may also be expectations on the woman’s side, so it’s a good idea to have the staff let her know in advance that you’ll only be having a meal at first. However, be careful about saying, “Let’s just have coffee for the first meeting.” That can leave a negative impression. Some women view the first meeting almost like an interview, where they’re being evaluated by the man. Telling someone like that, “Let’s just have coffee at first,” can make you seem intimidating or unapproachable. So I think it’s better to frame it as revealing a weakness on your side—for example, “I get nervous easily, so I won’t be able to enjoy a meal during our first meeting.”
If you meet and hit it off, it’s perfectly fine to change plans and have a meal—or even go to a room. In fact, I think expressing that feeling honestly will usually earn you points. Of course, it won’t work if she’s thinking, “This isn’t right,” and is completely turned off, but that should be pretty obvious if you’re paying attention.
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It’s really simple.
Set the first date for 4:30 p.m.
At that time, tea is pretty much the only option, so you can avoid having a meal. Then, if you hit it off, invite her by saying, “Would you like to have dinner afterward?”
At dinner, give her an additional ¥10,000.
1. Start the date over tea and give her ¥10,000–20,000 for transportation.
2. If you click, invite her to dinner and give her another ¥10,000 at the dinner table.
That makes it about four hours total, with roughly ¥20,000–30,000 including transportation.
As other people have advised, if you get timid and add another ¥10,000 during the tea date, you’ll only make it harder to move forward with the arrangement, so it’s better not to.
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You’re looking forward to meeting women, but you’re not good with first meetings? What does that even mean?
If you can’t enjoy meals, conversation, or going on dates, maybe clubs or papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) just aren’t for you.
Is money or an adult relationship (intimate) all you want? What are you really looking for?
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If you increase the allowance for tea-only meetings, they may start expecting dinner, an adult relationship, and even more.
They’ll imagine things on their own, and if reality falls short of those expectations, they may feel betrayed—even though it was their own assumption. That could make things difficult.
If an adult relationship is the premise, I feel it’s better not to raise their expectations too much with just tea at the first meeting.
That said, if you’re offering an allowance appropriate for an adult relationship and are comfortable with those expectations, then I think it’s fine.
Marika
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I think you should do whatever you feel comfortable with.
Women pay attention to how a man eats, talks, and treats the staff, so give her a chance to observe you. Just don’t force your own way of thinking on others.
When making the offer, you could ask the staff to tell her, “Let’s get tea that day.”
Also, if you give her 1 or more for tea, it may raise the allowance expected for an adult relationship (intimate).
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