I'm bothered by something my dating partner said and am considering ending things.
This content is machine-translated.
During our date the other day, the conversation turned to a woman I used to see.
She felt bad that I had to pay for a hotel every time we went out, so we started meeting at her place instead. We cooked together, watched movies, and had a really enjoyable time like a normal couple.
When I said that I'd be happy if ○○ (my dating partner) and I could eventually develop that kind of intimate relationship, she said—with an unmistakably disgusted look on her face:
・I like people who, when a woman kindly invites them over, say, “Don't worry about the hotel costs.”
・No matter how close we become, I want to maintain an appropriate distance with someone I'm seeing in this kind of arrangement. I would never invite them to my home.
I never said that I wanted to go to my dating partner's home, so is it normal to be that blunt?
Our intimate compatibility is good, and she's very much my type looks-wise, so I was hoping we could continue seeing each other long-term. But what she said this time was disappointing.
Would you continue the relationship in my position? I'd appreciate some objective opinions.
👤Asked byGuest👨GenderMale🎂40s👑Universe male member
Talking about an ex-partner brings absolutely no benefit to either of you.
It’s not even about what you say—the fact that you’re bringing them up at all is a deal-breaker.
(3 replies left)
(3 replies left)
💡 This question has no password registered, so the reply feature is unavailable.
If you access from the device/browser used to post the question, you may be able to set a password later.
I think her reaction is completely understandable.
You say you don’t want to go to this woman’s home, but she probably didn’t want to hear that you used to meet a previous partner at her place.
From what you’ve described, you’re at least partly at fault too, so the issue is more fundamental than simply deciding whether to continue the relationship.
(3 replies left)
(3 replies left)
💡 This question has no password registered, so the reply feature is unavailable.
If you access from the device/browser used to post the question, you may be able to set a password later.
I’m column writer Fuu.
She may have been badly hurt by a papa who mistook their relationship for romance in the past, or perhaps she has some trauma from it. She probably doesn’t like having that kind of romantic distance between her and someone. I think she was simply being honest and making her feelings clear so you wouldn’t get your hopes up.
If the roles were reversed and a woman told you about her previous papa:
“He gave me a very generous allowance, always took me to fancy restaurants and then to a suite, and even took me on overseas trips. It was amazing. I’d be so happy if you could become that kind of papa too.”
How would you react?
Wouldn’t you say, with a straight face, “Oh, I see. Good for you. I don’t think I can do that,” or something like that? (laughs)
Maybe it feels different simply because you’re in different positions.
(3 replies left)
(3 replies left)
💡 This question has no password registered, so the reply feature is unavailable.
If you access from the device/browser used to post the question, you may be able to set a password later.
I’m Dai, a male member.
It sounds like you’re wondering whether to continue seeing her, but she may have already cut ties with you.
Looking at the situation objectively from your perspective, I think you brought up this kind of topic too soon.
You should have first gauged how close she wanted to be, and only brought it up once you felt confident that she might be open to it.
The same goes for staying overnight or taking a trip together. If you suggest those things before you’ve gotten that close, it often ends the relationship.
You may think she said “someday,” but until you know whether that day will ever come, it’s risky to bring it up.
(3 replies left)
(3 replies left)
💡 This question has no password registered, so the reply feature is unavailable.
If you access from the device/browser used to post the question, you may be able to set a password later.
It’s understandable that the questioner is shocked.
If you set it up, you should’ve been able to anticipate how she’d react, lol. Her reaction seems completely normal and вполне possible, doesn’t it?
(3 replies left)
(3 replies left)
💡 This question has no password registered, so the reply feature is unavailable.
If you access from the device/browser used to post the question, you may be able to set a password later.
You’re misunderstanding things again.
The woman’s words are perfectly reasonable. The person who took things that far was the one in the wrong.
If that’s what you want, you should wait for her to make the first move. Bringing it up yourself is completely out of line…
It’s not about whether you’re satisfied—was she satisfied? You need to work on your insight and your ability to make a woman feel comfortable.
If you’re a genuinely good man, women rarely say they want to break things off. And in papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), she’s getting an allowance too, so even less so.
Paper Airplane
(3 replies left)
(3 replies left)
💡 This question has no password registered, so the reply feature is unavailable.
If you access from the device/browser used to post the question, you may be able to set a password later.
I’m Flag Maker, a column writer.
Talking about other women or women from the past, then expecting the same treatment—that’s an obvious person to avoid.
You stepped into the minefield yourself. Be grateful you got away with injuries that minor.
In the first place, minefields are something you avoid.
In this case, it was a fairly obvious minefield. Be careful—there are more concealed ones out there too.
(3 replies left)
(3 replies left)
💡 This question has no password registered, so the reply feature is unavailable.
If you access from the device/browser used to post the question, you may be able to set a password later.
I was going to answer, but Aya and Kazu’s responses were so perfect that there’s really nothing I can add.
They’re so smart…
Personally, though, even if someone in my monthly arrangement asks me to come to their place, I turn them down.
It might just be a polite invitation, and besides, I prefer to keep a certain amount of distance from the women I see.
(3 replies left)
(3 replies left)
💡 This question has no password registered, so the reply feature is unavailable.
If you access from the device/browser used to post the question, you may be able to set a password later.
I’m Kazu, a male member.
Everyone has different boundaries when it comes to what they’re willing to accept in an allowance-based relationship.
Personally, I don’t want to invite the woman I’m seeing into my home. Even if she didn’t ask to come over, if I heard that she had been to her previous papa’s home, I’d probably feel bothered by it deep down.
I don’t know why she overreacted, but everyone has different things that set them off.
If being invited into her home is an essential requirement for you, then you should end the relationship. If it isn’t, I think you should continue seeing her.
(3 replies left)
(3 replies left)
💡 This question has no password registered, so the reply feature is unavailable.
If you access from the device/browser used to post the question, you may be able to set a password later.
I’m Aya, a female member.
If you tell her, “I used to go to my ex’s place,” she may jump to the conclusion, “Does he want to come to my place too…?” Maybe it made her feel pressured.
Despite the age gap, suggesting a date at her home—especially her home—could understandably come across as an attempt to cut costs. I think she was completely put off.
I don’t think you necessarily need to reconsider the relationship, but you may want to give up on becoming any closer from here.
That said, a professional with good people skills probably wouldn’t reject a papa’s comment so directly, so in a way, she may simply be a pretty normal girl.
(3 replies left)
(3 replies left)
💡 This question has no password registered, so the reply feature is unavailable.
If you access from the device/browser used to post the question, you may be able to set a password later.
