I’m dependent on men. I can’t live without always having a man around. Until high school, my life revolved around friends with benefits and boyfriends, but since starting university, it’s been several papa-katsu partners, friends with benefits, and sometimes a boyfriend. There have been times when I was seeing around 15 people at once. Right now, I’m keeping it to four or five.

At the beginning of this month, I decided to clear out the men from last year, so I cut off about five people, including some papa (male supporters). That left me with almost no one in reserve, and I even tried to cut off my favorite friend-with-benefits, but I became attached and haven’t been able to do it. I told him I was ending things, then ended up messaging him that I wanted to see him again. I think this only happens because I don’t have anyone in reserve. If I had enough people waiting in the wings, I probably wouldn’t become attached to anyone. The papas think I’m a really good girl and dote on me, since I hide everything from them, so that part is fine. But I’m sure my friends with benefits who are around my age think I’m a woman who has no control when it comes to men. I don’t have a boyfriend right now, though I do want one. But I think I just like myself better when I have a boyfriend, and I feel secure having someone who loves me. So if someone confesses their feelings to me, as long as I’m not completely unattracted to him, I’ll date anyone—and I’ll date multiple people at the same time. If I get bored or start disliking someone, I can just break up with them. I’m honestly exhausted from living a life consumed by men like this. I think I probably just want to be loved. When I was in high school, my mother told me, “You’re the one I’m most afraid of because I have no idea what you’re doing.” I went to an all-girls school from middle school, got into a prestigious university, and was serious about everything except men, so... How can I feel secure even without men in my life? I’m very appearance-focused, so I can only satisfy my desires with young, tall, handsome men... This is so painful.