Please tell me how to avoid someone catching real feelings.
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Twice now, things have ended when a woman I’d been seeing for nearly a year, and had great chemistry with, ended up falling seriously for me.
The other day, a woman I’ve been seeing for about a year told me she has something important to discuss the next time we meet, and I can’t shake the feeling that something bad is coming. Three months ago, we went on our first overnight trip together. When I gave her her allowance over dinner on the way home, she started crying. No matter how much I asked, she just kept crying, so I didn’t understand why. We left the restaurant before finishing dinner, and I decided to drive her home. Since it was still bothering me, I asked her again once she had calmed down a little. She said, “I’ve genuinely fallen in love with you, ○○. I never really wanted to do papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan). I don’t want to become a burden or cause trouble for someone I truly love. But you’re so kind to me even though I’m like this, and you treated me so well on this trip for my sake, yet I’m still doing this...” Then she started crying again.
From my perspective, though, I think it’s probably just a temporary emotion or a kind of illusion that can happen when a man and woman spend a lot of time together, so I don’t think I should take it seriously. At the time, I told her, “Thank you. I’m happy to hear that. But you don’t have time for a part-time job while you’re studying, right? So would you let me continue supporting you in the same way until you find a job and become financially stable?” That calmed her down, and afterward we continued seeing each other as before, as if nothing had happened.
Then the other day, she messaged me saying, “I got a job. I have something important to discuss the next time we meet.” Something similar happened before. That time, she told me she wanted to date with marriage in mind. I turned her down, explaining that although I’m married and my wife and I are no longer intimate, I’m close with my wife, who’s around my age, and our children, and I have no intention of changing my current life. She cried and even berated me, saying I was the kind of man who toyed with a woman’s feelings.
Since the situation is the same this time, I have a terrible feeling about it. I’m really worried that, if my prediction is right, I’ll end up having to say goodbye to someone I’ve had great chemistry with and been seeing for nearly a year.
Is there any way to avoid breaking up if the conversation does turn out that way?
I’m BB7.
Isn’t it because you’re choosing women you could genuinely fall for?
Or perhaps you’re unknowingly encouraging them to feel that way...
If you keep a clear line between you, they won’t develop serious feelings for you either. I think you’re being a little too careless about that.
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I’m だて◎ゆめ, a male member.
My vote goes to Paper Airplane!
Actually, I’m aiming for a “paper airplane–style” relationship too（笑）. I’m sure that someday my current relationship will come to an end, but I’d like to build a connection where we can still meet from time to time even after it does.
How about ending the relationship for now, then building a connection that allows you to meet again? I think you’re just caught up in the excitement at the moment.
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I’m Taro, a male member.
I agree with Dai. If you don’t want her to develop real feelings for you, then you shouldn’t be traveling together in the first place（笑).
The question itself came across as a humblebrag. Deep down, aren’t you enjoying being genuinely desired? Having enough appeal to make that happen is impressive, but if you’re hurting women in the process, what’s the point?
If you don’t truly like her, you should think carefully about keeping the right amount of distance. Pull back when you get too close, and move closer when you’ve grown too distant. You shouldn’t make a woman spell this out for you. You need to pick up on the warning signs beforehand and adjust the distance yourself. Failing to do that is, in my opinion, one of the worst things a man can do—playing with someone else’s feelings.
Before casually posting a question like this, I hope you’ll feel ashamed of yourself. I’m ashamed that I failed to recognize the warning signs long before anyone ever said something like that to me, and I’m reflecting on it and working to improve.
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I’m Nana Ayase☆
Why didn’t you draw a clear line? If you’ve failed twice, you should be able to think of a way to prevent it. Why do you keep making the same mistake?
Why not stop accepting offers for a while?
You got her emotionally invested and gave her hope to that extent. What a terrible man.
Or… did you just want to show off and say, “I’m popular with women”?
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I’m Aya, a female member.
I gave the same answer before.
↓↓↓
Whether it’s papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) or not, married people who pursue romance outside their marriage have to make some kind of sacrifice.
It’s impossible to inspire enough love for a woman to want to marry you while also maintaining your family life. The reason is obvious: sooner or later, you’ll reach the point where she says, “If you won’t marry me, I’m leaving!”
In papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan), neither person is supposed to develop that level of love; instead, money is used to maintain a moderate degree of affection. Once either person crosses the line, it becomes difficult to keep the relationship going.
So my advice to the person asking is to gradually reduce how often you meet, using your family commitments as the reason, and try to return to the mutually convenient relationship you had before. If the woman accepts that, you’ve succeeded. If she doesn’t, then the only option is to end things.
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I’m Osaka, a male member.
That was quite a long post. You say that things ended twice because of serious romantic feelings, but the story doesn’t really add up. I’ve read it twice, and it still doesn’t quite make sense, lol.
Your question is whether there’s a way to avoid it since you seem likely to face the same situation again—but does that mean you’re about to enter a third relationship?
Something about it doesn’t feel realistic to me. Would a woman really become so blinded as to pressure a married man to marry her? Would she really accuse him of playing with her feelings?
There are a lot of things about this story that feel off.
Anyway, if the woman wants to break up, you can’t continue the relationship. That’s really all there is to it.
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Today, for some reason, I suddenly felt like having dinner with a woman I knew outside the club. So I messaged her on LINE for the first time in two years and asked, “Would you like to go out for dinner?” She immediately replied, “Sure,” and we went.
She’s married now, but we used to go on more than 300 dates a year, so even after all this time, it was just as enjoyable as ever…
“You really haven’t changed—you welcome anyone who comes and never chase after anyone who leaves,” she said. Thinking about it, I realized that even when I contact other women after a year or two, things often line up perfectly. One woman who lives in Tokyo happened to be in Osaka, so we were able to meet again at just the right time.
With club relationships, once things end, I usually have little desire to see them again. But outside the club, I think there are ways to end things that still leave the door open for meeting again, or to continue the relationship.
If things develop into genuine romantic feelings, I don’t think the woman will necessarily distance herself even after being rejected.
So first, clearly state that the relationship is ending as a matter of closure, then don’t meet for a few months.
No matter how cold you act, if she accepts that and still wants to keep seeing you despite understanding the situation, I think the relationship can continue without truly coming to an end.
Paper Airplane
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I’m Dai, a male member.
If you genuinely want to avoid catching serious feelings, you probably shouldn’t be going on trips together.
It’s rather self-centered to say that it would be a problem if you started developing serious feelings, when you yourself have no intention of keeping a certain distance.
Even if she proposes marriage, you say that’s not an option but you still want to continue the adult relationship (intimate). However you look at it, it seems like you’re prioritizing your own convenience above all else.
P.S.
I agree with Mac that, from a risk-management standpoint, you should end things once you start developing serious feelings.
I’m not saying that going on a trip will always lead to serious feelings. But since you say you’ve developed them twice in a row, I think you should be more careful about maintaining an appropriate distance.
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I’m Flag Maker, a column writer.
I don’t think a stable, convenient relationship like that exists in this world.
Any woman you’ve been intimate with will eventually leave you. The only way to prevent that is not to get involved in the first place.
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