I’m the one who asked for advice about my feelings for my favorite guy a few days ago. Sorry to keep asking... 😅
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https://universe-club.jp/help/questions/view/8334
https://universe-club.jp/help/questions/view/8343
Yesterday, while we were chatting on LINE, I said:
“○○, you never say that you want to see me. I want to see you, though.”
“I think I shouldn’t let my feelings get involved. If this became a private relationship, wouldn’t that be a disadvantage for you, ○○?” ← Because I’d lose the allowance.
“Were you not letting your feelings get involved?”
“I’m telling myself not to.”
“Don’t you want to give me an allowance and see me?”
“Then, if you started liking me and began wanting to date me, would you still want to give me money and see me? Even if we kept meeting because you were giving me money, it wouldn’t be a real romantic relationship, and it wouldn’t last, right?
So if you’re going to give me money to meet, isn’t it fine to keep things as they are now?”
That’s what he said.
But I feel like, “Isn’t dating while exchanging money basically papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan)? And sometimes those arrangements do last a long time.” From the perspective of someone who doesn’t do papa-katsu, do they really think that meeting in exchange for money can’t last?
I can’t be intimate with my papa (a male supporter) this month because I have an STI, and the allowance from my favorite guy has been a huge help. But having him give me an allowance also made me feel like he was telling me that he keeps his feelings out of it and maintains a clear boundary, which makes me feel kind of lonely.
Does giving someone money mean that the relationship can never become serious?
Normally, if you really like someone, wouldn’t you not ask for an allowance—or feel too bad accepting it?
If so, then I’m the kind of person who actually asks my favorite guy, “Can I have my allowance?” when we part ways, so maybe I only see him as a papa (a male supporter). That’s how I’m starting to feel. (╥﹏╥)
Part of me genuinely wants to face my feelings and take the relationship seriously, but I also want the money. I’m so confused.
I’m Maezawa from the CEO’s office, and I’ll answer this too.
I feel like someone once said, “Money is a condom for the heart.”
By paying money, both people can maintain a certain distance. So even if he suddenly starts dating another woman one day—or even marries someone else—he doesn’t have to feel guilty.
I think that’s what it means.
With a friends-with-benefits arrangement, no money changes hands, so you might worry that the other person could develop romantic feelings. Even if it’s only a small amount, giving them money can help maintain a certain distance.
I seem to remember you saying that you wouldn’t like it if there were no money involved. But if you’ve genuinely fallen for him, you could say, “I don’t need any more money, so please date me,” knowing that it might mean the end of your relationship.
That said, some men may agree to date you because they think it means they can be intimate with you for free, when in reality they never intended to pursue a real relationship. So please be careful not to let yourself be deceived.
There’s also a possibility that the relationship will end at that point.
Still, rather than letting things drag on, I think it may be time to make things clear.
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I’m a male member—and a total loser.
I want some spending money. But I also want love.
From the woman’s perspective, those two things can coexist without contradicting each other. There’s nothing strange about that.
But from the man’s perspective, money is a safeguard. He doesn’t want the woman to get seriously involved with him. It’s more like, “As long as she’s willing to sleep with me, that’s good enough.”
Maybe it feels like giving an allowance to a friend with benefits.
A man like me, who can still genuinely fall in love even while giving her money, is just a creepy old guy.
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I’m Paper Airplane, a male member.
Questioner, your thoughts are all over the place and getting tangled up.
> Do people who aren’t involved in papa-katsu (compensated dating in Japan) think that a relationship where money is given in exchange for meeting can’t last long?
A sensible person would think that something so unrealistic couldn’t possibly last.
> Does giving someone money mean it can’t be a genuine relationship after all?
Unless you fall in love first, it’s very difficult to develop genuine feelings when money is involved from the start. In fact, it’s basically impossible.
> If you really like someone, wouldn’t you normally not ask for spending money because you’d feel too bad accepting it from them?
Yes, exactly.
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I’m Kazu, a male member.
Would a genuine romantic relationship—one without an allowance—actually last? Having an allowance involved might give both parties more reasons to continue, simply because there are terms to the arrangement.
> But when my primary guy gives me spending money, it feels like he’s telling me that he’s drawing a line between us and keeping emotions out of it, which makes me feel a little lonely.
I understand what your primary guy is saying. You could see the allowance as something he gives in order to maintain a boundary.
Being serious and drawing a line are two separate matters. They shouldn’t be treated as the same thing.
Reading your question, I get the impression that neither you nor your primary guy is really facing what it means to be in a relationship involving an allowance.
For starters, I think you should stop glossing over things by switching between the terms “spending money” and “allowance.” If you can’t even face yourself honestly, there’s no way you can truly face another person.
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