I’m uncomfortable with men yelling… My parents divorced when I was three, and apparently my mother neglected me (though I don’t remember it). Maybe because of that past, or maybe for some other reason, but whenever a man yells loudly or intimidates me, I feel extremely afraid.
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A man I met here told me six months ago that he had gone into debt and wanted to continue seeing me without an allowance. I told him that, in that case, there would be no adult relationship, and he yelled, “That’s way too shocking!!” in a loud voice. Since then, I’ve felt even more on edge whenever I see him.
(In the end, we’re currently seeing each other without an allowance, with an adult relationship.)
Earlier, when he called me out on LINE for seeming to be having fun with another man, he only sent a message with large exclamation marks, but it brought back something like a trauma, and I ended up telling him that those kinds of things scare me.
Apparently, that also shocked him a lot.
Should I explain that this is because of what happened during our allowance negotiations?
I like this man and want to see him, but whenever he gets angry at me, I become intimidated.
I’m Dai, a male member.
You clearly like this man. Even if it comes as a shock to him, I think you should honestly tell him that you’re uncomfortable with being yelled at.
Incidentally, I believe domestic violence is close to a mental illness, much like depression, so the condition can worsen if the stress continues.
The exclamation mark in his LINE message may have shocked you because it reminded you of his shouting.
I recommend getting him to understand this before it starts interfering with your daily life.
Also, if you met this man through the club, I’d appreciate it if you could give the club some feedback.
I’m willing to accept it, but he apparently got into debt six months ago and asked to continue seeing me without an allowance. That sort of thing.
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I’m Tetsu, a male member.
Couldn’t this be dating violence? I’ve heard that people involved in abusive relationships are often unaware of it. It sounds like there may be a lot of “assumptions” involved. Since this may be difficult to discuss with friends, I recommend speaking with a third party at a DV counseling service so you can calmly reflect on the situation you’re in.
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I’m Shingo Lee, a columnist.
You’ve been through a very difficult experience.
One thing I couldn’t quite understand from your story is what you want to happen with your former papa. You say you like him, but I don’t really get that impression.
Are you perhaps thinking, “Maybe things won’t work out as well with anyone else as they did with him”? He may be an attractive person, but it seems to me that he’s simply manipulating people to suit his own needs, and I’m not sure what benefit you’re getting from this relationship.
For now, try practicing telling him honestly how you feel. I suspect that when he brought up seeing each other without an allowance, you may not have been able to communicate well either. Perhaps you can talk about casual, everyday things, but struggle with more serious, “real talk” conversations.
Even if your difficulties can’t be resolved completely, I believe they can improve to some extent with support from the people around you. I once dated a woman who had developed selective mutism as a result of neglect, but she improved considerably through building trust, cooperation, and positive reinforcement.
Once again, I sincerely hope you find a wonderful partner who is right for you.
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I’m in Seattle.
He’s saddling you with debt, raising his voice at you, and not even giving you an allowance. You’re being emotionally abused. Please wake up before it’s too late.
What are you going to do, waste your youth and your time? You’ll definitely regret it.
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I’m だて◎ゆめ, a male member.
> I like him and want to see him, but whenever he gets angry, I become intimidated.
That’s a difficult situation.
If I were a woman and found myself in the situation you described at a dating club, I think I would consider whether being involved with that man was enjoyable and mutually beneficial.
If you’re both having fun and getting something out of it, I do think continuing the relationship is an option.
However, in this case, it doesn’t sound like you feel that it’s enjoyable or mutually beneficial, so it was perfectly natural to tell him, “That scares me.”
You did the right thing by speaking up. If he’s willing to talk things through, I think you should discuss it openly.
If your concerns can’t be resolved, ending the relationship is also a valid option.
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I’m Fuu, a column writer.
I wonder what the questioner really wants.
Is the honest answer that she wants to see him because she likes him?
A dating club isn’t a sex-work establishment, so women have the right to choose too. If you don’t like something, you can simply say no.
If the reason you can’t refuse is that you don’t have another papa or aren’t receiving any offers, then you should weigh the money against the situation with that papa and decide for yourself how much you’re willing to put up with.
If no money is involved, then you’re basically just dating in the ordinary sense. If you’re okay with that, I think it’s fine to continue seeing him as you are.
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This is Ayase Nana ♡
So there’s no allowance, right?
Then is this becoming a regular romantic relationship?
Could it be that you’re shrinking back and mistaking that feeling for love?
People’s emotions can shift like that, after all.
Try writing down what he’s done to you so you can look at things calmly.
I shrink back too when someone raises their voice at me, but when I get angry, I talk even more forcefully—in my strong southern Osaka dialect: “Why should I let him look down on me?”
It makes me furious.
An adult relationship for free? Break up with him as soon as possible.
There’s no need to ask for advice. Block and delete him right away.
Set his phone number to reject calls, too.
Have the club staff hide your profile from him.
Why are you just putting up with this?
That’s what you call verbal abuse.
There are plenty of kinder, more wonderful men out there.
Oh, and contact the staff on LINE and tell them by name that you went through something this frightening.
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